quote:

Originally posted by Floyd D. Barber:
A girl was riding down the street on her bicycle with a kitten in the basket on her handlebars.
A policeman saw her and gave her a citation for pedaling pussy.

How do you stop a Polish tank?

Shoot the guy pushing it.

****

How come there are no Polish pharmacists?

They couldn't fit the bottle in the typewriter.

****
How come the new Polish navy has glass bottomed boats?

So they could see the old Polish Navy.

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.

After an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.

"But why?" they asked, as they moved off.

"Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

The Sarcasm

The place where all the jokes go that you don't get.

quote:

Originally posted by WildSig:
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the
other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

How does an idiot call for his dog?
He puts two fingers in his mouth and then shouts Rover.

Two clowns are eating a cannibal. One of them looks at the other and says "I think we got this joke wrong".

Dough Boy Dies

Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N. Fresh died Wednesday of a severe yeast infection. He was 71.

He was buried Friday in one of the biggest funerals in years. Dozens of celebrities turned out including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, and the Hostess Twinkies.

The graveside was piled high with flours, as longtime friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who "never knew he was kneaded".

Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a smart cookie, and wasted much of his dough on half-baked schemes.

Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model to millions. Fresh is survived by his second wife. They had two children, and one in the oven.

The funeral was at 3:25 for 20 minutes.

Dogs can't operate an MRI machine...

But catscan.

I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I
could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

I bought some powdered water. But I didn't know what to add.

Cowboy Lines That Have Been Ruint'

Top ten Old West phrases that will never sound the same after Brokeback Mountain:

1. "I'm gonna pump you fulla lead!"

2. "Give me a stiff one, barkeep!"

3. "Don't fret---I've been in tight spots before."

4. "Howdy, pardner."

5. “You stay here while I sneak around from behind."

6. Two words: "Saddle Sore."

7. "Hold it right there! Now, move your hand, reeeal slow-like."

8. "Let's mount up!"

9. "Nice spread ya got there!"

10. "Ride'em cowboy!"


.

quote:

Originally posted by redleg2/9:
Cowboy Lines That Have Been Ruint'

Top ten Old West phrases that will never sound the same after Brokeback Mountain:

1. "I'm gonna pump you fulla lead!"

2. "Give me a stiff one, barkeep!"

3. "Don't fret---I've been in tight spots before."

4. "Howdy, pardner."

5. “You stay here while I sneak around from behind."

6. Two words: "Saddle Sore."

7. "Hold it right there! Now, move your hand, reeeal slow-like."

8. "Let's mount up!"

9. "Nice spread ya got there!"

10. "Ride'em cowboy!"


.

Weren't the guys in Brokeback not cowboys, but sheepherders? That would explain some things seen in lot's of movies.

How much do pirates charge to pierce somebody's ears?

A buccaneer.

Oh, GRoner of the day.

For a moment I thought the waiver had been rewritten.

It's my birthday today and I can't believe that this thread is still alive so I give you all a birthday groaner.

Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker face each other. With light sabers drawn about to commence an allmighty battle of good over evil. Suddenly, in the middle of fight Vader pulls Skywalker to him and whispers: "I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE GETTING FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY, LUKE. IT'S TRUE, LUKE, I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE GETTING FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY!" Skywalker tried to ignore this but couldn't in the end. He wrenched himself free and yells "How can you know this!?!" Vader replied "I FELT YOUR PRESENTS..."

Why was six afraid of seven?

Because seven was a registered six offender,