Originally posted by Floyd D. Barber: A girl was riding down the street on her bicycle with a kitten in the basket on her handlebars. A policeman saw her and gave her a citation for pedaling pussy.
"The Almighty, He put some livin' things on this earth so a man can eat." - Festus Haggen, Gunsmoke
April 07, 2017, 08:12 AM
mbinky
How do you stop a Polish tank?
Shoot the guy pushing it.
****
How come there are no Polish pharmacists?
They couldn't fit the bottle in the typewriter.
**** How come the new Polish navy has glass bottomed boats?
So they could see the old Polish Navy.
April 07, 2017, 07:52 PM
Floyd D. Barber
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.
After an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
"But why?" they asked, as they moved off.
"Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
__________________________________________________________________________________ ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Always remember that others may hate you but those who hate you don't win unless you hate them. And then you destroy yourself. Richard M Nixon
It's nice to be important, it's more important to be nice. Billy Joe Shaver
NRA Life Member
April 07, 2017, 08:00 PM
Mars_Attacks
The Sarcasm
The place where all the jokes go that you don't get.
____________________________
Eeewwww, don't touch it! Here, poke at it with this stick.
April 07, 2017, 08:14 PM
exx1976
quote:
Originally posted by WildSig: Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
How does an idiot call for his dog? He puts two fingers in his mouth and then shouts Rover.
Two clowns are eating a cannibal. One of them looks at the other and says "I think we got this joke wrong".
April 08, 2017, 06:54 AM
Floyd D. Barber
Dough Boy Dies
Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N. Fresh died Wednesday of a severe yeast infection. He was 71.
He was buried Friday in one of the biggest funerals in years. Dozens of celebrities turned out including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, and the Hostess Twinkies.
The graveside was piled high with flours, as longtime friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who "never knew he was kneaded".
Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a smart cookie, and wasted much of his dough on half-baked schemes.
Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model to millions. Fresh is survived by his second wife. They had two children, and one in the oven.
The funeral was at 3:25 for 20 minutes.
__________________________________________________________________________________ ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Always remember that others may hate you but those who hate you don't win unless you hate them. And then you destroy yourself. Richard M Nixon
It's nice to be important, it's more important to be nice. Billy Joe Shaver
NRA Life Member
April 08, 2017, 08:14 AM
YellowJacket
Dogs can't operate an MRI machine...
But catscan.
There ain't much difference in the man I want to be and the man that I really am.
April 09, 2017, 06:16 PM
Floyd D. Barber
__________________________________________________________________________________ ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Always remember that others may hate you but those who hate you don't win unless you hate them. And then you destroy yourself. Richard M Nixon
It's nice to be important, it's more important to be nice. Billy Joe Shaver
NRA Life Member
April 09, 2017, 06:24 PM
egregore
"The Almighty, He put some livin' things on this earth so a man can eat." - Festus Haggen, Gunsmoke
April 28, 2017, 07:05 PM
Tuckerrnr1
I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.
_____________________________________________ I may be a bad person, but at least I use my turn signal.
April 28, 2017, 07:12 PM
Floyd D. Barber
__________________________________________________________________________________ ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Always remember that others may hate you but those who hate you don't win unless you hate them. And then you destroy yourself. Richard M Nixon
It's nice to be important, it's more important to be nice. Billy Joe Shaver
NRA Life Member
April 28, 2017, 07:27 PM
Balzé Halzé
~Alan Acta Non Verba NRA Life Member (Patron) God, Family, Guns, Country
Men will fight and die to protect women... because women protect everything else. ~Andrew Klavan
April 28, 2017, 08:53 PM
wallacemf
I bought some powdered water. But I didn't know what to add.
April 29, 2017, 12:14 AM
redleg2/9
Cowboy Lines That Have Been Ruint'
Top ten Old West phrases that will never sound the same after Brokeback Mountain:
1. "I'm gonna pump you fulla lead!"
2. "Give me a stiff one, barkeep!"
3. "Don't fret---I've been in tight spots before."
4. "Howdy, pardner."
5. “You stay here while I sneak around from behind."
6. Two words: "Saddle Sore."
7. "Hold it right there! Now, move your hand, reeeal slow-like."
8. "Let's mount up!"
9. "Nice spread ya got there!"
10. "Ride'em cowboy!"
.
“Leave the Artillerymen alone, they are an obstinate lot. . .” – Napoleon Bonaparte
Originally posted by redleg2/9: Cowboy Lines That Have Been Ruint'
Top ten Old West phrases that will never sound the same after Brokeback Mountain:
1. "I'm gonna pump you fulla lead!"
2. "Give me a stiff one, barkeep!"
3. "Don't fret---I've been in tight spots before."
4. "Howdy, pardner."
5. “You stay here while I sneak around from behind."
6. Two words: "Saddle Sore."
7. "Hold it right there! Now, move your hand, reeeal slow-like."
8. "Let's mount up!"
9. "Nice spread ya got there!"
10. "Ride'em cowboy!"
.
Weren't the guys in Brokeback not cowboys, but sheepherders? That would explain some things seen in lot's of movies.
__________________________________________________________________________________ ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Always remember that others may hate you but those who hate you don't win unless you hate them. And then you destroy yourself. Richard M Nixon
It's nice to be important, it's more important to be nice. Billy Joe Shaver
NRA Life Member
April 29, 2017, 07:47 AM
blindref
How much do pirates charge to pierce somebody's ears?
A buccaneer.
Bye for a while, guard the fort. - My Dad
April 29, 2017, 07:51 AM
Sig2340
Oh, GRoner of the day.
For a moment I thought the waiver had been rewritten.
Nice is overrated
"It's every freedom-loving individual's duty to lie to the government." Airsoftguy, June 29, 2018
April 30, 2017, 07:08 PM
egregore
"The Almighty, He put some livin' things on this earth so a man can eat." - Festus Haggen, Gunsmoke
April 30, 2017, 07:18 PM
WildSig
It's my birthday today and I can't believe that this thread is still alive so I give you all a birthday groaner.
Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker face each other. With light sabers drawn about to commence an allmighty battle of good over evil. Suddenly, in the middle of fight Vader pulls Skywalker to him and whispers: "I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE GETTING FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY, LUKE. IT'S TRUE, LUKE, I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE GETTING FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY!" Skywalker tried to ignore this but couldn't in the end. He wrenched himself free and yells "How can you know this!?!" Vader replied "I FELT YOUR PRESENTS..."
