quote:

Originally posted by parabellum:

quote:

Originally posted by jhe888:
While women are, in my experience, more prone to this, I have know a fair number of men who are also often late.

Perfect

Man, leave it to you. Only you.

Only me and at least two of the women on the forum. Why complain about it to me?

Read the subject line. What is the question in the subject line?

Read the first post in this thread. What question is asked in that post?

Women- in general and as a rule- are known far and wide for this behavior. You know this. Men- in general and as a rule- are not known for this behavior.

Of course there are men who are chronically late. It would be impossible for it to be otherwise. So, this is something which is obvious and therefore it is something which does not need to be pointed out, yet you go out of your way to point out the obvious, when it was not even the question asked. It's as if you felt the need to defend women from the truth of the matter, which is that women exhibit the behavior in question far out of proportion to men. It is so out of proportion to men that all adult males have encountered it and endured it, and it is so apparent, it is a truism for husbands and it is fodder for many a joke.

But, you, jhe, being the special, special person you are, have to point it that some men do the same kind of thing, and it is utterly pointless for you to have done so; that is, unless you think that the men in this forum have been locked away from society for all of their lives.

Women may feel the need to counter the truth of the matter, because it is their sex which has been identified as exhibiting this behavior on a massive scale. Are you a woman?

Only you, jhe. In this forum, you are the only male who would feel the need to state this obvious truth to this overwhelmingly male group.

Chronically late wife, her extended family are usually late for events. Not sure if it's genetic or learned behavior. Number of times I'm ready to walk out the door and go looking for her and find her stepping out of the shower "buck niked" and when she she sees my face says "I'm more ready than I look."

That she's the first woman whose company I've genuinely enjoyed in a long time, makes it more challenging to deal with . (She's very feminine. Very poised, very graceful. I've been dating "competent professionals" since my ex/until her.)

I didn't realize how much I missed actual feminine company.

We did discuss "her making me an hour late to things" today - didn't get anywhere other than a sheepish look.

We went on a short vacation this morning. I consider it lucky for me that we were “only” 45 minutes past stated departure time.

That’s close to miraculous.

You're trying to win a battle you are outgunned for. Women are in a constant state of change and 15 minutes won't matter. They will always be changing their dress for the 4th time as you are walking in the door. Accept it.

I see several responses encouraging lying to manipulate the perpetually late into being "less late".

I have a friend, actually my childhood best friend. He married a woman who is perpetually 2-3 HOURS late, for everything. It has caused her, and now him, serious consequences in life. He's from a MIL/LE family, and I know that it hurt him on a metaphysical level. There were other issues that didn't help. Her family, his family, all their friends...always lied to them in an attempt at having an acceptable experience with them. As others here have mentioned, it hurt. It didn't go well. It didn't help beyond the first one or two times. I have grown to have even greater respect for him over the years. He's always been wise beyond his years. A caring man, he never once let his wife take flak. He didn't lie, he didn't cover it up, he just accepted what he couldn't change and did his best to pick up the pieces. Her whole family knew how she was, and unrealistic expectations of her were their problem. Sometimes they arrived just in time to say hello and leave again, because they missed the whole event. The patience of a saint, and a damn good cop.

Several posts back, maybe even a page or so, Para mentioned a thought experiment to utilize whenever faced with similar frustrations. I believe that also to be wise advice. I've faced mortality, and I've faced the near-miss scenarios of losing my wife forever in accidents/health scares. My perspective has changed. I'm not as calm and accepting as my friend, but I have changed a lot in my life to embrace what is important. My version of important has also morphed over time. I'll still cancel events or my presence over an overly tardy arrival. If it's important enough not to take that chance, I go out of my way to create opportunities for success. That now includes a 40-foot coach that I've been known to pre-position hours or even a day in advance. Prior, I'd get a hotel the night before so as to not allow a road hiccup on a several-hour drive to cause a delay. I tend to live by the mantra that 15 minutes early is "on time." My wife never understood it, but she respected it. Now as she is a professional with a tight schedule, she's come to appreciate it. 15 minutes, that's all we'll wait. After that, it is a trip fee in our world, or a cancellation for a significant cancelation fee. But that's the professional world, not personal. I don't have the patience of my friend, but I've been growing to have the perspective Para mentioned. With grown children out of the house now, I'd give nearly every earthly possession to have them home again. Having spent years apart in the service, I truly soak up every second with my wife these days. It would take a lot for me to consider being apart from her more than a few hours. A LOT. I'd rather watch a movie at home on the couch with my wife than nearly any other thing/activity in existence. I can't fathom being upset with her enough over anything to let it get in the way of my relationship, but we're going on 22 years together. I'm trying to remember 22 years ago, how I would have felt if this was an issue in our relationship and if I would have stayed with her. I don't know, I'm sure we had other issues, we certainly did after marriage. Once you make it through those rocky years your perspective changes. I guess you have to decide if she's worth pushing through the rough times with or not.

The old saying Etched In Stone is something we've all probably heard.

When it comes to women, I have adapted the "Etched In Jello" idea.

Not only is she late, she completely changes or cancels plans and things all the time.

And just like that, etched in jello, it changes.
.

This posts brings back memories of my childhood:

My dad, sitting in his chair smoking a Chesterfield straight with, depending on the season, either a Fedora or a Panama hat on his knee. Stoically waiting for my whirling dervish mother to get ready.

Silent

Harsh - but effective. Wife habitually missed our 'need to leave' time. Moved the need to leave time up 15 minutes - hoping for a better chance at leaving on time - nope. Finally said, we, or I leave at this time. Threat didn't do much - until I left for an event -at the defined time - without her. Didn't go well for me, as expected, serious anger, but it worked. Now the were late issue is almost resolved

quote:

Originally posted by neverfollow:
until I left for an event -at the defined time - without her. Didn't go well for me, as expected, serious anger, but it worked. Now the were late issue is almost resolved

You did the right thing. Wanna act like a child you should be treated like one.

Is this why drag queen story hour always starts on time?

Women are always "on time". We just have a tendency to be early

It takes Mrs DF a minimum of 15 mins to get ready to go. Her average is 30 mins. All I do if time is important is to adjust our departure time. “Hey, hon, can we leave at x? X, is really x minus 30 minutes. It works for us. I’m not lying to her about when we need to be there. I’m giving her a reasonable window.

It's like herding cats.

I always build in an extra hour to present to her, and when it's her thing we're going to, she starts earlier because it's her thing and she wants to be on time for it.

Women have to be right, ever notice that? That's another female thing.

In my 20 years of marriage (short compared to many here) its not a hill I want to die on.

However if you do figure out a way to make it work for us all. Please share!

quote:

Originally posted by mojojojo:
There was an episode of Everybody Loves Raymond that dealt with this. He set an AIS time - an "ass in seat" time. Give her the AIS time and when that time comes leave whether her ass is in the seat or not.

See if it works out better for you in real life than it did on a SitCom, and let us know.

Yep, was going to mention that episode, a good one

The idea of this.. oddly it reminded me of the line from the movie Mr. Baseball "And I hope you didn't bring your dick with you."

I'm typically 5 minutes early, and can tolerate +/- 10 minutes from a woman. I do live in the suburbs of the 4th largest city and am understanding if there is unusual traffic but not routine traffic (ie poor planning).

Short version: When dating set the expectation of timeliness without being a dick about it and be prepared to walk away if they don't change.

Long version:
My GF of 3.5 years was perpetually late in the early days and not +/- 10 minutes either. On our 3rd date, I cooked for us and she was 1.5 hours late. She texted she was going to be late (a complete BS ETA to boot) and I texted back food is ready now, I'm eating now, and would keep her food warm for her. When she finally arrived I was a polite, perfect host while she ate her dinner. I waited for her to say,"I thought you'd be mad" then we calmly talked about being on-time is a must have for me. I was kind of surprised when she asked how I was on time or early so I explained using Google maps to determine drive time and using it to determine when I leave. Turns out, her whole family is late for everything because they always leave after they're already supposed to be there. The lightbulb turned on that if it takes 20 minutes to get somewhere that she had to leave 20 to 25 minutes before she's supposed to be there. 3.5 years later and 90% of the time she's +/- 10 minutes.

It's also paid off professionally as she was always 30 minutes to an hour late for work. Despite having 5 degrees and certifications and crushing all of her performance targets she never got promoted so she'd quit, go somewhere else, be perpetually late, rinse & repeat. Now, she's on time, she's a supervisor, and has doubled her income.

^^^^
I didn't know you were dating my married niece!

One of the two smartest women I've ever met in my life, and she just couldn't figure out that "on-time" thing. She seems to have conquered that devil in the last few years.