In his prime, he often replied, “you need that, like you need a hole in the head”. (ie “Dad, can I get a dirt bike?”)

Later in life, he has often told me that “gettin old is not for pussies”.

My dad turned 90 today. We had a family Zoom conference when he returned to his skilled-care unit from dialysis. Happy B’day Dad!

I’m so broke....

If you could ride a riverboat from St. Louis to New Orleans for a nickel all I could do is run up and down the bank saying ain’t that cheap.

Also, don’t let your mockingbird mouth overload your hummingbird ass

Every time we would drive by a "DO NOT PASS" sign, dad would say something about Donut Pass. "We'll cut 'em off at Donut Pass".

When you'd ask my dad how he was doing his response was often times "fair to middling".

I don't think it was my dad that said this, but I heard it some where growing up. "It's raining like a cow pissin' on a flat rock!"

JP

I’ll jump ahead and answer for my kids...

Me: <farts near a kid> You say something?
Kid: No
Me: Then why can I smell your breath?

I’ve pulled this a thousand times, and the kid still answers “no” every time. Eventually he may produce a witty answer.

“I feel more like I do today than I did yesterday”.
“I’d stretch a mile if I didn’t have to walk back”.
Great sense of humor.

Mom: wait until your father gets home
Mom again: stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about.

Dad gets home: comes in, closes door, sits down, and says ‘act like it hurts’ and winks as he slaps the bed with his hand.

Referring to some political figure, "He's so crooked, he could hide behind a spiral staircase." I liked it so much, I still use it myself.

Kid asks about a foul smell. "It's your upper lip!"

Boy I'm going to whip your ass if you do that again.

When my brother and I would get on his nerves we'd often hear: "Hey, you two... bust off!"

One that had me perplexed for many years was: "that's about as useful (handy, or helpful) as tits on a boar." I had no clue what a boar was or why it couldn't find boobs useful.

when we did something stupid, my Father would call us a nin-cum-poop. Not sure of its origins.

He would often say, you need to learn this, I am not always going to be here. Sadly, he died when I was 17. However, he prepared me for the years without him.

Thanks Dad!

A couple of things the old man picked up while serving in the Army during WWII:

SNAFU
FUBAR

If you're unsure of the meanings, try the Urban Dictionary.

A friend from the neighborhood whose father was a WWII Navy vet used to always threaten to punch us in the snot locker when we misbehaved.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: 64dodge,

Cubby hole. As in- put that in the cubby hole

My Dad always said...Six to one, half dozen the other .

The one that always got me before I got the Belt was...Son, this is going to hurt me more than it will hurt you.

He was not a violent man and would whoop us only on my Mom's demand.

He don't know shit from shinola! - A dumb idiot
Shit or get off the pot! - Make up your mind
Queer as a 3 dollar bill

When I screwed something up it was ...
If your not gonna use your head ya might as well have two assholes!

“That’s John”
Me as a kid: John who?
“John Roundass the well-digger’s son”

(Him leaving)
Me: Dad, where are you going?
“to the submarine races”…

(When the front door was left open too long)
“Can’t heat the outdoors”

“Were you born in a barn?”

“I’ll give you something to cry about"

“Were you raised by wolves?”

(Generally after I did something boneheaded)
“There’s money well-spent”

(When I hurt myself as a kid)
“Rub a little dirt on it"

(Dad describing liberal politicians)
“He’s so crooked that when he dies they’ll have to screw him in the ground”

“If we had some peaches we could have peaches and cream… If we had some cream”

(Generally softly muttered when some disaster occurred)
“That’s just lovely”…

(When I was leaving or going on a date)
“Don’t do anything that I wouldn’t do…”

“Ya making me crazy"

One I still remember and tell my kids that he said-
“Never say you "can’t do something"- one day something will happen when you’re the only one there”

Keep it in your pants.
The timeless classic: The man with no shoes was sad until he saw the man with no feet.

This hurts me more than it hurts you. {Still do not buy the explanation}

I am gonna make you clean the driveway with a toothbrush or cut the lawn with a pair of scissors if you do not cut it out.

Keep em coming guys!!

“Nothing but Gypsies and thieves”
“You’re like a bull in a china shop”

Mom and Dad would put on a big band album and cut a rug (dance).