quote:

Someone above mentioned hospice.
I cannot say what the future holds regarding my feeling about such. Currently, I'd like to avoid that, but evolution of thought is at play.

I was the one who suggested hospice, and as I said, it is not because you are giving up or any such thing. My experiences with Hospice is that they help you (and your family) look at all the options, and find ways to assist everyone with understanding and compassion. That said, I will not bring the organization up again. At least for me, acknowledging hospice has always represented a finality I am not prepared to face. I would think that is the case for many.

Let me share a somewhat funny story? My Gramma got "kicked out" of hospice. About six months in we were all looking at each other saying, "ummm...shouldn't gramma be getting sicker by now?" Even the doctors were befuddled. It was nearly 3 years later before we needed their services again. It was always fun for us, as it simply reenforced Gramma's reputation that she was one tough German, and she never let us forget that!



LBJ - thank you for sharing this with us. Not speaking for any other member, I so admire your courage and willingness to be open about everything happening with you.

That is humorous. She apparently was a tough old bird.

No worries, I was not offended in any way by the hospice comment.

I remember reading something many years ago where someone postulated that if we had unlimited lifespans, based on our current world, that the average age would be 500 years, as some accident would befell most of us by that time.
The accidents would include things like hit by a bus, slip in the tub, that sort of thing.

One of the things that strikes me is that family and relatives think I am relatively young to have such fatal illness fall upon me.
I am sure you know that drill: "Oh, they are so young for this to happen."
I would say that young is in the eye of the beholder. I do not feel young really. I don't feel really old either.
I said earlier, I scoff at the same old same old. I am unique, I don't want to be a product of the cookie cutter where one size fits all.

I certainly do not think being age 80 would make anything any easier or any more difficult for that matter.

On a more positive note, Lisa Hedley emailed me that she shipped the pocket holster out today for my little Keltec.

My wife and I are offering up prayers for you and your family.

What concerns me at this point is you saying that getting sicker is God's plan for you.

When you were born, your parents did not leave you at the hospital, saying "Whatever happens is God's plan." They took you home, loved you and raised you. They protected you and prepared you for the world so that you could make your way in it.

You wear seatbelts when you drive. Why wear a seatbelt if it's God's plan that you die in auto accident? You carry a firearm. You consciously make choices to preserve and protect your life. I could cite dozens upon dozens of other examples where you make daily choices to keep going.

Keep doing it, man. Keep doing it.

I'm not a young man myself, and, sometimes, I want to just sit back and let the sea take me, but, just like you, I have obligations.

You will see 2017, but you have to keep trying. I say these things to you with the utmost sincerity. Don't give up.

If you believe that God moves in our lives, then you have to know that he doesn't just show up when one of his buckaroos is heading for the last roundup. All through your life, you have taken steps to preserve and protect it, and God has been there with you, every step of the way.

quote:

I am guessing here a bit, but I am thinking my old natural color may begin to grow back in.
If true, then I will have a white tiger stripe surrounded on either side by dark blonde.

I'm looking forward to seeing this picture!

quote:

Originally posted by parabellum:
What concerns me at this point is you saying that getting sicker is God's plan for you.

When you were born, your parents did not leave you at the hospital, saying "Whatever happens is God's plan." They took you home, loved you and raised you. They protected you and prepared you for the world so that you could make your way in it.

You wear seatbelts when you drive. Why wear a seatbelt if it's God's plan that you die in auto accident? You carry a firearm. You consciously make choices to preserve and protect your life. I could cite dozens upon dozens of other examples where you make daily choices to keep going.

Keep doing it, man. Keep doing it.

I'm not a young man myself, and, sometimes, I want to just sit back and let the sea take me, but, just like you, I have obligations.

You will see 2017, but you have to keep trying. I say these things to you with the utmost sincerity. Don't give up.

If you believe that God moves in our lives, then you have to know that he doesn't just show up when one of his buckaroos is heading for the last roundup. All through your life, you have taken steps to preserve and protect it, and God has been there with you, every step of the way.

I understand what you are saying and earlier in my life before I got sick, I would be saying the same thing.
However, I have been changed somewhat.
It is difficult to describe but some things seem to be less black and white for me.

I just came =away from the doctor's office finding out the drug that is the best choice, the one with the longest lifespan results, the one which works on just about everyone who takes it is a bust for me.

I certainly will not mind looking over my posts days, weeks or months from now and saying WTF to something I posted.

My posts are an evolution of the process. Strange things minds are.

I am not surprised at all if some of my posts are off the wall. Sometimes I have to be off the wall in my thinking to eventually settle on the right thing. Sometimes my decision making starts out like making sausage.

There are times in life where I really want things done right and sometimes I don't care.
This s the time in my life where I really want to as much right as I possibly can.
It's a matter of personal pride here.
Silly that pride can be sometimes I mean.

With all of what I am going through these days, I must say I really enjoy thinking about things in a way I have never done before. It is enlightening, I can tell you all that.

Thank you for sharing your journey.
Prayers sent.

This thread has made me think about my own mortality, selfish as it is.

Good wisdoms from you, para and others in this thread.

God Bless!

Long time member here, but have been away a few years. Firsttime maybe 3 years I come to lurk and I see this post. I'll just say this, May the grace of god be with you el beej. Praying you are not it pain, and that the doctors can heal you.

quote:

Originally posted by lbj:
I have some philosophic/religious issues playing out right now.
Is ceasing treatment suicide by another name?
Suicide is against everything I believe in.
I am not suicidal.
On the other hand, is continuing treatment interfering with God's plan for me.

There sure is a lot to think about and thinking can be hard work.
I am up for that challenge though, thinking is a good thing.

It's odd because about the time you think you have everything figured out, something else pops up and gets included in the equation.
The equation seems to evolve all on it's own.

lbj, have you considered this through the prism of God giving us all free will to choose? Couldn't your decision to fight to live also be God's plan by definition? He is, after all, omniscient, we are not.

Enjoy every sandwich, my friend.

It's settled that I am going to continue treatment.

However, I do wish to expand on my earlier God's plan for me, potential interference from me not to seek more treatment thing.

When I stated such, I was not meaning to infer that God's plan for me is to get sicker and sicker with no purpose whatsoever, or that somehow it's an act vengeance or anything.

Let me see how to explain this...
I am working here under the assumption of one thing leading to another. It's like the everyday seemingly random activity we face that changes our lives sometimes in small ways and also at times in big ways.
I call this God's Timing, some would say timing as in happenstance, other might call it timing of random activity.

An example would be I am on an elevator. Does the elevator stop at some floor to pick someone up or not. In either case, the timing of the events are such that my whole life could change because of the timing, do we stop or do we not.
This really could lead to 2 separate paths of where my life goes. Those few seconds of timing for my life can alter a whole host of things.
I think that's the best I can do for now.

In my case of God's plan for me and not interfering, maybe ceasing treatment, is not so much about suffering as it is me thinking of the timing aspect of what I do and where I physically reside at any moment in time on the planet.

I myself may be needed to be a certain way so that future things happen or don't happen in a timing sense of altering another person's timing in their life as part of God's plan.

Like maybe a doctor visit is coming in the future and I trip the light so it goes green for me and red for them.
I have perhaps altered their life in some way big or small based on timing.
That's the kind of thing I was thinking about when trying to figure out God's plan for me. It is not about me suffering more as God's plan, more like something happens to me so I alter the timing of someone else for reasons not understood to me.

Geez, I probably made this clear picture mud, oh well.

God's timing. The Almighty as a Big Band leader- King of Swing, as it were. God composed the tune and didn't consult anyone else about it. So, OK, you're in the trumpet section and you gotta keep time, and that means you are participating, even if you understand only your part of the arrangement.

quote:

Originally posted by jigray3:
lbj, have you considered this through the prism of God giving us all free will to choose? Couldn't your decision to fight to live also be God's plan by definition? He is, after all, omniscient, we are not.

Enjoy every sandwich, my friend.

It's like the old FedEx commercial:
absolutely positively overnight.

I agree with you.
What want to to do is do what is right and also at the same time be in line with God's plan for me.

OK, so maybe some out in the hinterland do not understand me here or think I am being silly.
To each their own.

I just want to get things as right as I can for the rest of my life.
Getting things right these days seems more important to me than it used to be.

The problem here for those of us with faith is that we wish to complete God's plan for us. But we are never fully informed by God as to exactly what the plan is.

Probably the only thing to do is play it out as it plays out, but I cannot help myself, I have to run things in my mind about what is best and in adherence to God plan, yet I am flying blind.

That can be one of the tough and unexplained things for people of faith. it isn't logic, it's faith, they are so very different.

And the mindsets are different within me, one for logic, another for faith, and trust me, the collide here and there.

Those of us with faith know what I am saying here. And it can hard.

quote:

Originally posted by jigray3:
lbj, have you considered this through the prism of God giving us all free will to choose? Couldn't your decision to fight to live also be God's plan by definition? He is, after all, omniscient, we are not.

Enjoy every sandwich, my friend.

Yeah and funny thing regarding free will. I agree we have it. But God being God and all, he knows what choices we will make before we make them.
We have fee will, we exercise it but all is know in advance. Ha!

I think I understand. It makes sense that you would be keenly aware of how every action you take or don't would have a consequence of unknown potential significance. And, question whether to attribute that action or inaction and when it happens or doesn't to God's plan? Where most of us might shrug our shoulders at serendipity, you are hyper aware of it and tend to look for a deeper more poignant meaning in the timing of the small and large things that you face every day.

Is that close?

Spot on, you just said in one small paragraph what took me a few posts that were longer than the book War And Peace.

Yes, you have the gist of what I mean. Nice job wading through all that I wrote.

I am more hyper sensitive recently because of my illness. However, I have always been this way on both counts, the first being the matter of God's Timing and the other being that I attempt to find sense and meaning therein.

It's part of what I consider deep thinking for me. Others may find it crazy, useless mental masturbation.

To each their own.

lbj,

I am sad to hear of your latest results. All I can do is send kind thoughts and warm regards.

Whether your remaining days here are in the tens or in the thousands, I hope in every one of those days you find something to make you smile.

sdy

My best to you.

If God has a plan for you that he doesn't want you interfering with, nothing you can do will interfere with it. Therefore, do what you think is best for you, and let God worry about his plans. You can't affect them.

Keep up treatments, if that is what you think is right.

quote:

Originally posted by jhe888:
My best to you.

If God has a plan for you that he doesn't want you interfering with, nothing you can do will interfere with it. Therefore, do what you think is best for you, and let God worry about his plans. You can't affect them.

Keep up treatments, if that is what you think is right.

Wonderful post.

That's probably true.

quote:

Originally posted by parabellum:

If you believe that God moves in our lives, then you have to know that he doesn't just show up when one of his buckaroos is heading for the last roundup. All through your life, you have taken steps to preserve and protect it, and God has been there with you, every step of the way.

Very beautifully said. Thank you for putting this into words.