Background, my wife and I have been going to this church for 10+ years now for me and 12+ years now for her but lately there have been some things we've noticed that concern us and raise red flags.

The church is very young and large and the worship is VERY loud pop/rock type. It USED to be good but lately in the past year seems to have lost something. It's getting louder and louder and all the songs sound the same to me now. It's all this new Christian pop crap with insipid lyrics and no substance and they refuse to play any music that is "old", meaning nothing older than 5 years or so. I kid you not.

One of the red flags seems to be this ever present focus on "image" and not substance and they seem to be all about the numbers; get newcomers in and once you're in, you're an afterthought and guess what, you better be "serving" (volunteering) in the many positions they have 2-3 times a month or you will be chided as not being all in for Jesus.

The Pastor is good I will say and I really like his sermons but he's IT. There are NO assistant pastors or elders or any chain of command to speak of. He only has employees and volunteers which I've never seen in a church. It's a very dictatorial style clothed in trendy colors and skinny jeans which leads me to my biggest issue.

My wife's brother is a bass player in the worship band and he's got one of the BEST singing voices they have, way better than even the "worship leader" yet they WILL NOT let him sing. He has to remain in the background and play his bass. Why you ask? Well I think it's because he's a bigger guy (not fat or huge, just a big guy) and can't wear skinny jeans. All the beautiful people are front and center in their skinny jeans when the worship band plays. He is allowed to play MAYBE twice a year.

One other odd thing that gives me pause is the pastor has a very distinctive "fade" haircut and many of the young male staffers all have this same haircut and even their sons, it's a little culty to me!

So do we speak to the pastor and let him know we are leaving for another church (we found one) or do we just not show up anymore.

Oh and this pastor married us in 2012

HELP!

This message has been edited. Last edited by: PASig,

My opinion to do it the proper way and meet with the pastor and inform them that you are leaving. If they ask why, you explain and I am sure they will be happy to hear your feedback. You always want to leave on good terms and you never know you may come back in the future. We are a small church and have people / families that leave and they let us know and give feedback which we take both good and bad. That way if you stop showing up no one especially the pastor has to wonder if something happened to you, etc. WWJD ??? God Bless !!!

You always have the option to just stop going there, since you appear to strongly dislike it.

It's not a job. You aren't expected to give 2 weeks' notice and submit to an exit interview in order to obtain a good reference for another church application later in life.

However, if you consider the pastor to be a friend, and/or you feel strongly about helping the church grow through positive feedback, and/or you just really feel the burning need to get it off your chest, you're certainly welcome to tell the pastor why you're leaving. Similar to how you might let the manager of a restaurant know about the poor service that's leading you to not return. But you're under no obligation to do so.

The "biggest" issue of your church should NOT be if your brother in law gets to sing on Sunday mornings.

Probably shouldn't be too concerned about the Pastor's haircut, either.

Sounds like you have a couple of legitimate concerns about the style of worship, which is fine. You can have a meeting with the pastor and express those if you'd like. It may or may not make a difference and that's ok. The pastor has a lot of people to shepherd.

Finally, I'll say, will you be missed? Are you involved? Do you minister to others in the church or through church outreach? Are you a producer or merely a consumer? If the answer to any of this is no, then look inwardly.

All of that said, there are many different flavors of churches for all different types of people. That's a good thing! The style of this church may have moved away from what you liked before or maybe you've just had enough. But you should speak to the Pastor about, not just quit coming. There may be others who feel the same way and there may be a way to accommodate your style. He may even ask you to participate in offering that... Are you willing?

I'd leave.

Wait to see if anyone reaches out to you.

If they do then you can have a conversation.

If they don't then your suspicions are well founded and your move was a good choice.

Just blast the church on social media. {Kidding}
Make an appointment with the pastor and tell him why you are leaving.

This is an incredibly personal decision so I'll offer my two cents, which should be taken as just that.

Church is for worship and fellowship and it sounds like yours has moved in a direction that doesn't resonate with you. That's okay - there are many different churches with many different offerings for exactly that reason. If you want to try and change it by all means meet with the pastor, but it sounds like that ship has sailed. I would leave quietly and find a new church home. If the pastor contacts you to discuss why you can certainly share with him the reasons for your decision (out of love, not bitterness). If he doesn't that will confirm what you thought--that the church as moved away from you.

I've been through this many times, both personally and with others, and I find it helpful to remember that worship is supposed to benefit you, not God. He isn't moved by music, you are. If you aren't experiencing that at your current church you should seek it elsewhere otherwise you're just standing there during worship silent and unhappy, which is not just pointless it's counterproductive.

quote:

Originally posted by YellowJacket:
The "biggest" issue of your church should NOT be if your brother in law gets to sing on Sunday mornings.

Probably shouldn't be too concerned about the Pastor's haircut, either.

You might want to read it again. His BIL is only one of the issues not the biggest and he explains why the haircut is an issue.

Stop going see if anyone (read: Pastor) reaches out to you.

Find a good Anglican church

You don't owe anybody an explanation . You are not there to serve THEM . When a Church starts becoming more about the Church , and less about your spiritual needs then it's time to go . Meeting with the Pastor will go one of two ways . They will make you feel bad about wanting to leave and possibly talk you into staying OR it will turn ugly and you'll be the bad guy .
Just go and don't look back .

I had something very similar happen with Elevation. We ended moving to a closer local church that feels like church should. The church we moved to was my kids preschool and they were absolutely amazing. We started just trying it out and gradually shifted, announced our departure with the teams we serviced on, left on a great note, and couldn't be happier. I've watched friends leave our current church. Stuff happens, people change.

Churches, are in all aspects a business. Everything they do these days is to increase membership, who intern provide income. There are mega churches in the DFW area that have 100,000+ members. Music, children's programs and socializing is a big part of that. They want members to become part of their 'family".

When we had our printing business we serviced several pretty good sized churches. Not the big mega ones, but the ones we worked with where pretty good sized. There was never expenses cut back or questioned with advertising or promotional products as this is what drew new members and encouraged existing members to contribute more. It was like spending like a drunken sailor. Good for us for sure, but being behind the scenes so to speak, I'd never consider that as church option for me.

I'm Catholic by confirmation, and although I've not been active for many years, I like the tradition of the mass, communion, confirmation, first communion, stations of the cross, stained glass, priests in robes. I also like the Jewish traditions. This new wave stuff gives me no comfort.

quote:

Originally posted by triggertreat:

quote:

Originally posted by YellowJacket:
The "biggest" issue of your church should NOT be if your brother in law gets to sing on Sunday mornings.

Probably shouldn't be too concerned about the Pastor's haircut, either.

You might want to read it again. His BIL is only one of the issues not the biggest and he explains why the haircut is an issue.

He said "which leads me to my biggest issue" and then discusses his brother in law.

So, time for full-blast, how to irritate people...

Is the church Christian, or Religious?

Why would you ever put your lamp under a basket? If you feel called to leave, leave, and tell whomever you think should know.

We have a bunch of dead, really boring social clubs, that get deader by the week, because there is no backbone in the leadership, nor in the congregation.

IE, my most meaningful spiritual gathering, is in a cigar bar, the first Tuesday of every month.

About half Catholic, 3/8 Protestant, and 1/8 Orthodox.

Its all male, we don't do any singing*, we don't do a lot of group prayer, unless someone feels a need for it, but we gather in fellowship, and go over whatever texts we were to have read. (Usually stuff by Chesterton or Lewis.)

Its a HIGHLY diverse group from the outside, and we have a few members w. theology degrees/a retired priest makes it when he can, etc.

NO ONE is there, because they want to be seen on a pulpit, because there isn't one.

NO ONE is there to play music for the congregation.

NO ONE is there, to be praised for making large donations, because we don't take them. (In kind ones are made all the time, the bar owner provides the space/is one of the founders, etc.)

I LOVE going to that group - I book vacations and trips around making it to have that evening w. those men.

When have you WANTED to be at church?

*When we go one hunting trips, the retired priest does come along, and there is a brief hymn or two, and some formal prayers, and the one young fellow, who is quite talented, plays a guitar some in the evenings. (Its a S. TX hunt camp. There's going to be a guitar.)

quote:

Originally posted by NavyGuy:
Churches, are in all aspects a business. Everything they do these days is to increase membership, who intern provide income. There are mega churches in the DFW area that have 100,000+ members. Music, children's programs and socializing is a big part of that. They want members to become part of their 'family".

When we had our printing business we serviced several pretty good sized churches. Not the big mega ones, but the ones we worked with where pretty good sized. There was never expenses cut back or questioned with advertising or promotional products as this is what drew new members and encouraged existing members to contribute more. It was like spending like a drunken sailor. Good for us for sure, but being behind the scenes so to speak, I'd never consider that as church option for me.

I'm Catholic by confirmation, and although I've not been active for many years, I like the tradition of the mass, communion, confirmation, first communion, stations of the cross, stained glass, priests in robes. I also like the Jewish traditions. This new wave stuff gives me no comfort.

Your first two sentences are blatantly false.

quote:

Originally posted by LS1 GTO:
Stop going see if anyone (read: Pastor) reaches out to you.

Find a goon Anglican church

passive aggressivism. nice.

quote:

Originally posted by selogic:
You don't owe anybody an explanation . You are not there to serve THEM . When a Church starts becoming more about the Church , and less about your spiritual needs then it's time to go . Meeting with the Pastor will go one of two ways . They will make you feel bad about wanting to leave and possibly talk you into staying OR it will turn ugly and you'll be the bad guy .
Just go and don't look back .

if you are not at your church to serve then YOU are doing it wrong.

quote:

Originally posted by LS1 GTO:
Stop going see if anyone (read: Pastor) reaches out to you.

Find a goon Anglican church

Or Southern Baptist - they are pretty strict about music, because you can't have people dancing.

Always a tough position.

How well do you know the pastor? If you know him well then meet with him. If not, maybe just fade away.

If you meet keep it short and to the point. If I read your comments correctly you might say you enjoy the messages/preaching but prefer more traditional music over the contemporary music and that was the driver in your decision to move.

I strongly dislike almost all modern Christian pop that I have heard. Maybe all of it. The lyrics are all vapid and superficial, and the music isn't much better. That would surely be enough for me.

A one man show is also a bad thing, I think. There is a lot of risk that he becomes a tyrant. I was a member of a mainstream church that hired a pastor with a too-strong personality, and he hijacked church government and generally did whatever he wanted. (And this was in a denomination where the pastor is emphatically NOT the chief executive officer of the church.)

I think it is fine to just leave. You don't owe them an explanation, and I'll bet you a dollar that they don't care what the explanation is. Their style is set, and they like it that way, so the fact that you don't like it won't matter one little bit to them. It won't change anything to explain it to them, so why waste your breath?