Hey, have you guys heard about the new zoo that recently opened? I was disappointed because there's only one exhibit: a small dog. It's a pretty Shih Tzu.

That is 2/3 of a pun.
PU

Earl and A.C. go out huntin' one afternoon. A.C. hasn't been feeling too great, but he thinks he'll be all right because Earl recently got himself one of them newfangled fruit phones that can make calls anywhere. About halfway along the walk to the hunting blind, A.C. groans and collapses in a heap. Earl eventually gets his newfangled fruit phone to dial "911" - this is the recording:

911 Operator: 911, what is your emergency?

Earl: My buddy just collapsed! He's dead!

911 Operator: He's dead? Are you certain? Can you make sure he's dead?

*BANG* *BANG*

Earl: Ok, now what?

quote:

Originally posted by SIGnified:
That is 2/3 of a pun.
PU

I never said the jokes would be good!

Three guys walk into a bar. You'd have thought at least one of them would have seen it and ducked.

A guy walks into a bar with his pet giraffe, asks for a bottle of whiskey with two shot glasses, and proceeds to start taking whiskey shots, feeding the giraffe one shot for each one he takes.

After about a dozen shots apiece, the giraffe passes out cold on the floor. The guy tosses some money on the bar, then wobbles his way towards the door.

Seeing this, the bartender points at the giraffe and calls out after the drunk guy: "Hey buddy! Ya can't leave that lyin' there!"

Drunk guy stops, turns around, peers blearily at the passed-out giraffe, and replies: "That's not a lion... *hic* It's a giraffe!"


(This one works better in person. Barely.)

My Dad's favorite joke: You guys hear the one about the guy who bought a dozen eggs? Two bad.

My girlfriend threatened to leave me because of my Monkees obsession. I didn't think she was serious,
then I saw her face.

quote:

Originally posted by PeteF:
My girlfriend threatened to leave me because of my Monkees obsession. I didn't think she was serious,
then I saw her face.

Oh! I believe it.

Dad and son are driving along the road when dad points to a cow in a pasture and tells the son "That's a very special cow". Son asks "Why"

"Because she is out standing in her field"

One of my dad's favorite jokes...

Cantaloupe tonight, dad won't give me the keys to the car!

Natasha and Rudy were standing in their apartment in Moscow looking out the window.

Natasha: Look, Honey, it's snowing.
Rudy: No, I believe that is rain.
Natasha: It looks like snow to me.
Rudy: Rudolph the Red knows rain, Dear.

Always knock on the refrigerator door before opening it.

Salads Dressing.
.

Two guys walk into a bar. First one says I will have H2O, second guy says I'll have H2O too. Second guy dies.

You can lead a Horticulture, but you can't make her think.

A neutron walks into a bar and orders a beer. It asks the bartender, "How much?"

"For you, no charge."

A skeleton walks into a bar and orders a beer and a mop.

The Reverend Henry Ward Beecher
Called a hen a most elegant creature.
The hen, pleased with that,
Laid an egg in his hat,
And thus did the hen reward Beecher.

There once was a lady from Norway
Who hung by her heels in the doorway.
She said to her man
"Get off the divan,
I think I've discovered one more way".

So last Friday ..... what did Adam say to Eve?



Merry Christmas Eve!