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Semper Fi - 1775 |
Random observation. I have a friend who is a widow. (she is 36). Her husband died 10 years ago at the hands of a drunk driver, she has since remarried and has been so for about 4 years. But....and maybe this is the norm? - She kept her dead husband's name and hyphenated it into the last name of her current husband. - She holds an annual golf tourny (in his name) to raise funds for Mothers Against Drunk Driving. - Every year on his birthday and some holiday's she posts a Happy BIrthday message to him on Facebook. And this is the one that really caused me pause...she still wears her former husband's wedding ring on her right hand. I think it would be challenge enough to date/marry someone who lost a spouse, but this just seems like overkill and a shadow you could never get out of. Thoughts? ___________________________ All it takes...is all you got. ____________________________ For those who have fought for it, Freedom has a flavor the protected will never know ΜΟΛΩΝ ΛΑΒΕ | ||
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quarter MOA visionary |
After hearing this ^^^ my Sypdie sense is tingling.  | |||
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| Member |
While everyone grieves differently, much of what you've listed can easily and rightfully manifest itself into points of friction between her and her current husband. Sounds like she figured-out some coping mechanisms on her own, good for perhaps the first handful of years after his passing but, likely not so good beyond that, particular as it pertains to future relationships. Do you think her current husband holds back/bites his tongue, on some of your points? 10-years later still holding a golf tournament in his name..admirable however, the initial mission I'd say has likely run its course-out. She still marks his birthday, announcing it 10-years later on an annual bases now seems like an exercise in ritual rather than a real remembrance. Does her former in-laws relatives acknowledge any of her postings? | |||
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| Staring back from the abyss  |
People need to understand that no matter how tragic or untimely death is, it is the human condition. We, the living, need to learn to move on from death (following an acceptable mourning period). Your friend is not moving on with her life if she is hyphenating her name and still wearing his wedding ring. She is clinging to the memory of her dead husband and thus not giving herself 100% to her new husband and this is a bad recipe. Just my opinion, and it may not be popular. And no, I'm not a heartless bastard. ________________________________________________________ "Great danger lies in the notion that we can reason with evil." Doug Patton. | |||
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| Muzzle flash aficionado  |
I think it's odd and likely will not end well. flashguy Texan by choice, not accident of birth | |||
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| Partial dichotomy |
I wouldn't want to be either of the hims. SIGforum: For all your needs! Imagine our influence if every gun owner in America was an NRA member! Click the box>>>  | |||
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| Member |
How does the new husband feel about it? As long as he's cool with it who cares. ----------------- Silenced on the net, Just like Trump | |||
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| Member |
Living with a Ghost. Sometimes people have what we call, "Arrangements". I would guess there are other perks that you do not know about. Arrangements are much more common than one would realize, although they are generally more subtle. | |||
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| Green grass and high tides  |
My initial thought was I can understand those things. Those don't preclude her from being in love with her husband now, do they? Having said that I do not like hyphenated last names, period. "Practice like you want to play in the game" | |||
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Nosce te ipsum |
So many prospective spouses have hidden baggage or worse, do not know who or what they are, that a potential who knows exactly where he or she stands is rare. The rare gem sparkles for others of similar qualities. | |||
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| You're going to feel a little pressure... |
My mother-in-law was a widow and hyphenated her last name. He was a good man and she was crushed, when he died. She has since married another good man and taken his name, with the hyphen. I think she feels that, since she was never divorced from him, she needs to honor him by carrying his name. I admire the loyalty and don't think her new husband minds, after 20 years. The widow in question is a little committed to her identity as a widow but, as was said, if her present husband doesn't mind, have at it. I also agree that someone owning their baggage is refreshing rather than coming into a new relationship with all sorts of buried landmines for you to step on. Bruce "The designer of the gun had clearly not been instructed to beat about the bush. 'Make it evil,' he'd been told. 'Make it totally clear that this gun has a right end and a wrong end. Make it totally clear to anyone standing at the wrong end that things are going badly for them. If that means sticking all sort of spikes and prongs and blackened bits all over it then so be it. This is not a gun for hanging over the fireplace or sticking in the umbrella stand, it is a gun for going out and making people miserable with." -Douglas Adams “It is just as difficult and dangerous to try to free a people that wants to remain servile as it is to try to enslave a people that wants to remain free." -Niccolo Machiavelli The trouble with fighting for human freedom is that one spends most of one's time defending scoundrels. For it is against scoundrels that oppressive laws are first aimed, and oppression must be stopped at the beginning if it is to be stopped at all. -Mencken | |||
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| Something wild is loose  |
"'Till death do us part" is usually the vow. If she had a different one, she should honor that, otherwise live in the now and resolve the other bits....later. It's OK to love someone and remember them after they die - you can do that to the exclusion of all else, until you make another promise and commitment. Depends on what you have promised, and to whom.... "And gentlemen in England now abed, shall think themselves accursed they were not here, and hold their manhoods cheap whiles any speaks that fought with us upon Saint Crispin's Day" | |||
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| I'd rather be hated for who I am than loved for who I am not |
whats normal who is to say. Being a widower at 26 definately isn't normal. Bottom line is that the new husband needs to be secure in himself. If he is there shouldn't be any problems. | |||
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| You're going to feel a little pressure... |
Also, I would say that I would prefer that behavior to my widow spending the rest of her life alone. My wife swears she would never remarry, if I bought it, and that idea makes me a little sad. Bruce "The designer of the gun had clearly not been instructed to beat about the bush. 'Make it evil,' he'd been told. 'Make it totally clear that this gun has a right end and a wrong end. Make it totally clear to anyone standing at the wrong end that things are going badly for them. If that means sticking all sort of spikes and prongs and blackened bits all over it then so be it. This is not a gun for hanging over the fireplace or sticking in the umbrella stand, it is a gun for going out and making people miserable with." -Douglas Adams “It is just as difficult and dangerous to try to free a people that wants to remain servile as it is to try to enslave a people that wants to remain free." -Niccolo Machiavelli The trouble with fighting for human freedom is that one spends most of one's time defending scoundrels. For it is against scoundrels that oppressive laws are first aimed, and oppression must be stopped at the beginning if it is to be stopped at all. -Mencken | |||
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| Member |
My $.02? She hasn't let go yet. If she hasn't at this point, she might not ever. I'm not saying to stop remembering, but at some point, you gotta let go. Now, if the new husband is willing to deal with this, then God love him. Because there's a lot out there that won't/ can't... ______________________________________________________________________ "When its time to shoot, shoot. Dont talk!" “What the government is good at is collecting taxes, taking away your freedoms and killing people. It’s not good at much else.” —Author Tom Clancy | |||
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| Go ahead punk, make my day |
I haven't walked in those shoes but from the outside it seems like a bit much. It sounds like she didn't have kids with her first husband, but if she did I could understand the name and the birthday wishes. I think it take a strong person to marry into that situation; I doubt it's something I could or would do. | |||
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| Do No Harm, Do Know Harm |
I can’t imagine the devastation of loosing my wife unexpectedly. I cannot judge this woman. If she is devoted to her current husband, how are her actions much different from honoring a son or daughter cut down in their prime? Knowing what one is talking about is widely admired but not strictly required here. Although sometimes distracting, there is often a certain entertainment value to this easy standard. -JALLEN "All I need is a WAR ON DRUGS reference and I got myself a police thread BINGO." -jljones | |||
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Oriental Redneck |
Yup. Q | |||
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King Nothing |
Definitely a tough situation, wearing the ring, wishing him happy birthday, and keeping the name thing is a little strange to me. I see keeping the ring, but to wear it, I don't know. My wife's cousin married a widow after her husband was blown up in an industrial accident. It sounds like they talk about him and she misses him, but he has helped her through her grief and move on. Not forgetting, but moving forward with life. They've been married a few years now, and I think she does visit his grave and what not more like a remembrance. Your friend's lady sounds a little more hung up on him, especially 10 years later, but if she really loves your friend, and it's not effecting their relationship, then I don't see it as a bad thing, just a little strange. He was ripped away from her, and that's not something I can understand and fear greatly, but sounds like she's trying to keep his memory while moving forward. ...Then it comes to be that the soothing light at the end of your tunnel, was just a freight train coming your way... | |||
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| Lawyers, Guns and Money  |
It seems a bit much... especially raising funds for Mothers Against Drunk Driving. But that's just from the perspective of DAMM (Drunks Against Mad Mothers)  Seriously, still wearing the first husband's ring? That's where I would draw the line if I were to marry her. "Some things are apparent. Where government moves in, community retreats, civil society disintegrates and our ability to control our own destiny atrophies. The result is: families under siege; war in the streets; unapologetic expropriation of property; the precipitous decline of the rule of law; the rapid rise of corruption; the loss of civility and the triumph of deceit. The result is a debased, debauched culture which finds moral depravity entertaining and virtue contemptible." -- Justice Janice Rogers Brown "The United States government is the largest criminal enterprise on earth." -rduckwor | |||
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