Marrying a widow or widower.....

April 28, 2019, 12:33 PM

Ronin1069

Random observation.

I have a friend who is a widow. (she is 36). Her husband died 10 years ago at the hands of a drunk driver, she has since remarried and has been so for about 4 years.

But....and maybe this is the norm?

- She kept her dead husband's name and hyphenated it into the last name of her current husband.

- She holds an annual golf tourny (in his name) to raise funds for Mothers Against Drunk Driving.

- Every year on his birthday and some holiday's she posts a Happy BIrthday message to him on Facebook.

And this is the one that really caused me pause...she still wears her former husband's wedding ring on her right hand.

I think it would be challenge enough to date/marry someone who lost a spouse, but this just seems like overkill and a shadow you could never get out of.

Thoughts?

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April 28, 2019, 12:44 PM

corsair

While everyone grieves differently, much of what you've listed can easily and rightfully manifest itself into points of friction between her and her current husband. Sounds like she figured-out some coping mechanisms on her own, good for perhaps the first handful of years after his passing but, likely not so good beyond that, particular as it pertains to future relationships.

Do you think her current husband holds back/bites his tongue, on some of your points?

10-years later still holding a golf tournament in his name..admirable however, the initial mission I'd say has likely run its course-out.

She still marks his birthday, announcing it 10-years later on an annual bases now seems like an exercise in ritual rather than a real remembrance. Does her former in-laws relatives acknowledge any of her postings?

April 28, 2019, 12:55 PM

Gustofer

People need to understand that no matter how tragic or untimely death is, it is the human condition. We, the living, need to learn to move on from death (following an acceptable mourning period). Your friend is not moving on with her life if she is hyphenating her name and still wearing his wedding ring. She is clinging to the memory of her dead husband and thus not giving herself 100% to her new husband and this is a bad recipe.

Just my opinion, and it may not be popular. And no, I'm not a heartless bastard.

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April 28, 2019, 01:21 PM

ZSMICHAEL

Living with a Ghost. Sometimes people have what we call, "Arrangements". I would guess there are other perks that you do not know about. Arrangements are much more common than one would realize, although they are generally more subtle.

April 28, 2019, 01:27 PM

old rugged cross

My initial thought was I can understand those things.

Those don't preclude her from being in love with her husband now, do they?

Having said that I do not like hyphenated last names, period.

"Practice like you want to play in the game"

April 28, 2019, 01:29 PM

Woodman

So many prospective spouses have hidden baggage or worse, do not know who or what they are, that a potential who knows exactly where he or she stands is rare. The rare gem sparkles for others of similar qualities.

April 28, 2019, 01:45 PM

RNshooter

My mother-in-law was a widow and hyphenated her last name. He was a good man and she was crushed, when he died. She has since married another good man and taken his name, with the hyphen. I think she feels that, since she was never divorced from him, she needs to honor him by carrying his name.

I admire the loyalty and don't think her new husband minds, after 20 years.

The widow in question is a little committed to her identity as a widow but, as was said, if her present husband doesn't mind, have at it.

I also agree that someone owning their baggage is refreshing rather than coming into a new relationship with all sorts of buried landmines for you to step on.

Bruce

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April 28, 2019, 01:54 PM

Doc H.

"'Till death do us part" is usually the vow. If she had a different one, she should honor that, otherwise live in the now and resolve the other bits....later. It's OK to love someone and remember them after they die - you can do that to the exclusion of all else, until you make another promise and commitment. Depends on what you have promised, and to whom....

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April 28, 2019, 01:57 PM

Ronin101

whats normal who is to say. Being a widower at 26 definately isn't normal.

Bottom line is that the new husband needs to be secure in himself. If he is there shouldn't be any problems.

April 28, 2019, 02:00 PM

RNshooter

Also, I would say that I would prefer that behavior to my widow spending the rest of her life alone.
My wife swears she would never remarry, if I bought it, and that idea makes me a little sad.

Bruce

April 28, 2019, 02:02 PM

CPD SIG

My $.02?

She hasn't let go yet.
If she hasn't at this point, she might not ever.
I'm not saying to stop remembering, but at some point, you gotta let go.

Now, if the new husband is willing to deal with this, then God love him. Because there's a lot out there that won't/ can't...

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April 28, 2019, 02:05 PM

RHINOWSO

I haven't walked in those shoes but from the outside it seems like a bit much.

It sounds like she didn't have kids with her first husband, but if she did I could understand the name and the birthday wishes.

I think it take a strong person to marry into that situation; I doubt it's something I could or would do.

April 28, 2019, 02:08 PM

chongosuerte

I can’t imagine the devastation of loosing my wife unexpectedly.

I cannot judge this woman. If she is devoted to her current husband, how are her actions much different from honoring a son or daughter cut down in their prime?

Knowing what one is talking about is widely admired but not strictly required here.

Although sometimes distracting, there is often a certain entertainment value to this easy standard.
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April 28, 2019, 02:15 PM

SigSauerP226

Definitely a tough situation, wearing the ring, wishing him happy birthday, and keeping the name thing is a little strange to me. I see keeping the ring, but to wear it, I don't know. My wife's cousin married a widow after her husband was blown up in an industrial accident. It sounds like they talk about him and she misses him, but he has helped her through her grief and move on. Not forgetting, but moving forward with life. They've been married a few years now, and I think she does visit his grave and what not more like a remembrance. Your friend's lady sounds a little more hung up on him, especially 10 years later, but if she really loves your friend, and it's not effecting their relationship, then I don't see it as a bad thing, just a little strange. He was ripped away from her, and that's not something I can understand and fear greatly, but sounds like she's trying to keep his memory while moving forward.

...Then it comes to be that the soothing light at the end of your tunnel, was just a freight train coming your way...

April 28, 2019, 02:20 PM

chellim1

quote:
- She kept her dead husband's name and hyphenated it into the last name of her current husband.

- She holds an annual golf tourny (in his name) to raise funds for Mothers Against Drunk Driving.

- Every year on his birthday and some holiday's she posts a Happy Birthday message to him on Facebook.

And this is the one that really caused me pause... she still wears her former husband's wedding ring on her right hand.

It seems a bit much... especially raising funds for Mothers Against Drunk Driving.
But that's just from the perspective of DAMM (Drunks Against Mad Mothers)

Seriously, still wearing the first husband's ring?
That's where I would draw the line if I were to marry her.

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