quote:

Originally posted by chongosuerte:
I can’t imagine the devastation of loosing my wife unexpectedly.

I cannot judge this woman. If she is devoted to her current husband, how are her actions much different from honoring a son or daughter cut down in their prime?

Exactly this.

quote:

Originally posted by cheni:
How does the new husband feel about it?

As long as he's cool with it who cares.

That is my view. It is between them.

quote:

Originally posted by jhe888:

quote:

Originally posted by cheni:
How does the new husband feel about it?

As long as he's cool with it who cares.

That is my view. It is between them.

No one else knows their ways of dealing with it. I’m sure her heart was on her sleeve when he met her, and that there were no words minced over her devotion. He saw all this a mile away, and chose to love her anyway. And her heart is apparently big enough for two.
I pray to never walk in her shoes, but if I did, I’d pray there was a man out there who understood and respected my loss, no matter how I chose to manifest it (but I personally don’t think I’d remarry).
Until you’ve lost someone truly dear to you, you really don’t know how you’ll handle it, and frankly, there is no “normal” imho.

I agree that this is a private matter. My opinion, not that it matters, is that keeping the name is odd. She no longer has formal ties to that name. The ring is odd. I feel the symbolism is not appropriate.

Golf tournament is okay as a means to honor the legacy. But my opinion is that she should be keeping her memories more private. That he doesn’t seem to mind is not relevant. I think it’s disrespectful to the new marriage.

If my wife passed and I got remarried, I wouldn’t do any of these things. I think it would not make my new wife comfortable. As such, I don’t think it appropriate. In this case, acceptable but not appropriate.

quote:

Originally posted by Ronin1069:
Random observation.

I have a friend who is a widow. (she is 36). Her husband died 10 years ago at the hands of a drunk driver, she has since remarried and has been so for about 4 years.

But....and maybe this is the norm?

- She kept her dead husband's name and hyphenated it into the last name of her current husband.

- She holds an annual golf tourny (in his name) to raise funds for Mothers Against Drunk Driving.

- Every year on his birthday and some holiday's she posts a Happy BIrthday message to him on Facebook.

And this is the one that really caused me pause...she still wears her former husband's wedding ring on her right hand.

I think it would be challenge enough to date/marry someone who lost a spouse, but this just seems like overkill and a shadow you could never get out of.

Thoughts?

Did she have children with her now-deceased husband. This becomes far less eye-brow-raising if she did. I can see her doing it to honor her children's father.

quote:

Originally posted by Micropterus:
Did she have children with her now-deceased husband. This becomes far less eye-brow-raising if she did. I can see her doing it to honor her children's father.

The answer is on p.2.

quote:

Originally posted by Ronin1069:
She did not have children with either man, and I do not know the new husband very well.

In no way am I trying to make her into a “bad guy”, I guess the point of this thread was to ask if this was normal behavior, whatever that is.

As someone who is about to be single again after 20 years of marriage, it makes me wonder if I could date or marry a widow under that type of shadow. Personally I do not think I would do well under those circumstances.

I agree with all the responses that said that if the new husband is OK with her behavior then that is all that matters.

Would I enter into a relationship like that? Hell no.

quote:

Originally posted by Ronin101:
whats normal who is to say. Being a widower at 26 definately isn't normal.

Bottom line is that the new husband needs to be secure in himself. If he is there shouldn't be any problems.

I'm a widower, and in this camp. What OP wrote doesn't tell whole story, nor could it. If she treats new hubby very well, and lives completely in the present w/him I see nothing wrong with how she chose to cope with that part of life. The new husband may feel the best he ever has. As the years go by we're all shaped by our past.

The opposite would be if everything is compared to her past, holding new husband to a past standard would be problematic. It can go either way in divorce or being widowed.

if we applied his situation to me:

the plus side : she puts up with me for my 6 good attributes and my 11 poor attributes.

the minus side: I have to live with her two not so enhancing attributes .

at my age , not a huge deal breaker.

if the guy is happy , the guy is happy .

quote:

Originally posted by Micropterus:
I work with a young lady, 40, whose husband died 3 years ago from cancer. She's kept all his clothes, etc. I dunno.

Marie Kondo can help her out there

I am an insurance agent, I had an interaction a few weeks back where a 90something year old woman lost her husband 40 years previous, never re-married, spoke about him like she was a giddy school-girl in a crush.

I found it very sweet.

She told me she never remarried because he was the one and there had never been anyone else that she felt the way she had about him.

She also told me she still gets asked out. I found her amazing and fun to talk to.

Just thought I would share, as real love is pretty powerful.

quote:

and this is a bad recipe

agree

I married a widow. Almost same situation. Husband was killed riding his motorcycle. Didn't die right away, and didn't have any ID and bike wasn't registered. She couldn't find him for a couple days, and when she did he was in a coma, never woke up. She was 24. That was 23 years ago. When I met her, 17 years ago, she had a bunch of his stuff, clothes, pic etc. Her family said she went to the cemetery daily for 6 months to have lunch "with him" right after it happened. All thats left is an old leather briefcase with the newspaper article and a couple pics. She did have a one year old with him when he died. At this point, I could toss the briefcase, I doubt she would ever know. I wouldn't though. I'd be pissed if she found the pics of my ex's and burned them

He was an abusive asshole, and the stepsons kinda a dick too. We get along ok, and he looks exactly like his dad. Can't be easy on the wife looking at him, whenever he decides to grace us with his presence. She was pretty happy to shed his last name when we got married, but that deep trauma is still there. I see it pretty clearly whenever I look longingly at a motorcycle.

I don't mind taking a chance on a widower. A person like that is better than some twit that goes 'round and 'round about their still-living ex.

However, I honestly admire and respect those who really find true love. It's one of the greatest gifts from God and would likely endure beyond the grave.

V.

From hearing your description of her, I'd grow tired of always being "the other guy." But as others have stated, if her present husband is okay with it, then who cares.

To the OP, my friend. Stay single.

But I'll warn you of something. You'll always regret what you don't do. You'll always reflect on what could have been.

If you wait a while and start dating again, then it goes sideways, you'll regret not staying single.

If you stay single and live free and for yourself, for once, you'll be lonely and you'll regret not dating again and not having companionship in your life.

My first wife had twin girls and a boy when I married her, then we had our daughter. We lasted 6 years and we had a horrible divorce worthy of a movie drama-suspense with twist plots, villains (yes, plural), betrayal, exile, depression, reunion, courtroom drama, spiritual reflection and restoration.

I became the go-to guy in my church that the leadership would send both men and women to talk to who had been cheated on by their husbands or wives because I was the only guy who could relate to them on those kinds of trauma situations.

I refused communion for 18 months because I had violence on my mind 24/7 (that was in 2003, by the way so those feelings are long gone) and finally started dating again and got remarried 4 years after my divorce. Looking back, I should have stayed single and dealt with being lonely and just devoted myself to my daughter. The hell my ex put on my wife and my daughter because of it was unfair to my new wife and it damaged her permanently. We're still dealing with the aftermath today.

I regret getting remarried. It's not that she's a bad woman. She's a great woman with a great heart and she's very driven. I should not have let her marry me. I was bad news, or more to the point, the hell my ex was still putting on me was bad news and she disrupted the most special and vital years of our marriage. I was mentally conditioned to deal with it but she was not.

Had I stayed single, I could have dealt with it just fine. I would have persevered until my daughter was 18, then maybe I'd date, but I'd probably look back and regret not dating earlier, not knowing that my ex would have sabotaged any relationship I had anyway. So, I regret re-marrying before my daughter was 18 and had I stayed single, I'd have regretted not dating again.

There is no right and wrong answer and there's no perfect answer.

Stay single and don't date for at least 2 to 3 years. You're gong to be a wreck for a while. I had a couple of flings after 2 years but I was very angry and bitter and drinking quite heavily at the time. We had an understanding that it was "just for fun" and that I was in no place to have any serious relationship. I really only dated one woman seriously after my divorce and she is wife number 2.

But hey, if after you've got your head clear and you're a happy guy and you meet an equally secure and happy gal and can deal with and interact with each other's grown-up kids and live happily together, then who's to say it won't work?

Tony.

Tony, well said. Thank you.