The best things in life aren't things.

Thanks everyone for the feedback and advice.

Maybe I am having a bit of a mid-life crisis at 44, but instead of buying Corvettes, I'm busy chasing a VERY active 2.5 year old around and changing poopy diapers on a 2 month old!

I feel better about venting about it and am going to take the advice of people about social media and try to use it only for having discussions with friends about current news topics or keeping in touch with my widely dispersed family. NOT following the carefully curated lives of other people who show off.

I've got a good job and two beautiful little boys and a lovely, caring wife and that's all that matters right now.

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Originally posted by FishOn:

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Originally posted by cmr076:

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Originally posted by S600MBUSA:
There can be a big difference between how "wealthy" someone is vs. how wealthy they look.

that is so true. In my profession I deal with insanely wealthy people, and people that work to look insanely wealthy. I've gotten good at spotting the difference. The truly wealthy ones have a credit card on file with me and dont ask when I whack their black card for 10-15k dollars, the ones that live with the appearance of being rich always want a week to "move money around" for much smaller purchases... and they drive similar cars.

Exactly right.

Really wealthy people do not show off on Facebook. I'll say again, get off Facebook. It is a total waste of time. If you need to show off your shit on FB, you are a poser.

Facebook is pure evil as is most social media (Twitter, MySpace and so on) and only adds decay to anything.
Like the Metallica lyrics say, "The less I have, the more I gain".
Is that meant to say get rid of everything you have? No.
A lot of people get material things because they're not happy. It helps at first but the shine wears off eventually and then it's on to the next material purchase. It's a bad cycle and I've seen it.
Happiness is very elusive and most people never find it. Me, I have settled for blissfully content and it works.
The other people are chasing happiness and think if they get everything they want, they'll be happy. Problem is, you'll never get everything you want. There's always a bigger house, faster car, better TV and so on.
Is settling bad? I don't think so personally but then again, it's my life.

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Originally posted by Aeteocles:
Some portion of people who appear to be happy and successful, will actually be happy and successful. Fact.

obviously.

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Originally posted by Aeteocles:
Convincing yourself that some people are not as happy and successful as they appear accomplishes what? Does it reduce the bell curve for a passing grade in life? No.

No need to convince yourself of anything, It's a fact. I deal with it weekly. I have had people leave Lamborghinis at my shop for WEEKS, while they're "moving money around" to pay me for services rendered. Like I said earlier, the truly successful people (with the rare exception of people who make their money on social media) aren't on Facebook because they don't need the reassurance of everyone knowing what they have.

I think it is normal in some aspects. I kind of think of it as wishful thinking, or day dreaming.

Sometimes, me and my girlfriend get envious/jealous of what others have but then we shrug and move on.

I think it is more prevalent now since we are struggling for money, and in the process of relocating to Durham, NC for her job with the U.S. Government. Also, we had some vet medical bills that hit us and we are in debt. The first time ever in 20 years.

Heck every time I open the pistol forum I get jealous of reading what all the forum members have bought, ordered or are getting ready to order.

Then I remember even though we have very basic things, the roof doesn't leak, the toilet works and we are not going to go hungry.

Heck we just replaced our 20 year old television and got a 32 inch flat screen. To me that is living like the Vanderbilt's.

I haven't read all the responses so much of this has been said I'm sure:

Get rid of Facebook. Seriously.

Focus on what you have - not what you 'don't have'.

All you see is what people spend - not what they have. I have taught my kids I'd rather have $$$ than over-spend it.

One of the Ten Commandments is not to covet so it is definitely a 'sin for the ages'. You are mindful to be concerned but there is a certain amount of 'human nature' that comes into play.

--------------------------------------------

I think this can be approached logically. If you feel envious of other people's possessions, and you want such possessions, get them. If you can't afford them now, save up and buy them. If you have reasons you really don't want these things, those should be the same reasons that you remind yourself of to make your envy go away.

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Originally posted by PASig:
Thanks everyone for the feedback and advice.

Maybe I am having a bit of a mid-life crisis at 44, but instead of buying Corvettes, I'm busy chasing a VERY active 2.5 year old around and changing poopy diapers on a 2 month old!

I feel better about venting about it and am going to take the advice of people about social media and try to use it only for having discussions with friends about current news topics or keeping in touch with my widely dispersed family. NOT following the carefully curated lives of other people who show off.

I've got a good job and two beautiful little boys and a lovely, caring wife and that's all that matters right now.

PASig, I have similar thoughts. We too are a one income family while my wife stays home. I have a great salary (well maybe not for CA), a beautiful IRA, cars that are paid for etc.

My main jealousy comes from those driving new cars (mine is an 2002 Civic). How do families afford two car payments? As for homes, I bought mine at the peak in 2007. In the downturn, friends bought mansions for less than I bought my small house. Oh well. It 14 months, I'll have just one kid at home so I don't need 4000 sf.

I try to rsee mind myself that others may be loaded with debt or own their stuff outright. In the end, it doesn't matter or shouldn't affect how happy you and your family is. Stay out of debt and you'll be fine.

Dave Ramsey says live like no one else today so that you can live like no one else when you retire.

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Originally posted by cmr076:

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Originally posted by Aeteocles:
Some portion of people who appear to be happy and successful, will actually be happy and successful. Fact.

obviously.

quote:

Originally posted by Aeteocles:
Convincing yourself that some people are not as happy and successful as they appear accomplishes what? Does it reduce the bell curve for a passing grade in life? No.

No need to convince yourself of anything, It's a fact. I deal with it weekly. I have had people leave Lamborghinis at my shop for WEEKS, while they're "moving money around" to pay me for services rendered. Like I said earlier, the truly successful people (with the rare exception of people who make their money on social media) aren't on Facebook because they don't need the reassurance of everyone knowing what they have.

The point is, why care? Why care how they paid (or can't pay for it). How does knowing that it's fake *for some people* improve one's own happiness with their own life choices. Why go through the mental gymnastics of deciding who is actually successful and who isn't? What purpose does it serve?

Critiquing other peoples' success (or lack thereof) is a crutch to rationalize your own position. Stop caring how far along (or not) everyone else is. You don't need to benchmark your own success against others, so why care if others are fudging their numbers?

There is no peace in relative economies. No matter how much one has there is always someone to envy. Better to count your blessings than count your neighbor's.

I am very glad that I don't suffer from that myself.

My first wife did, she was spending money left and right as a stay-at-home mom wanting to keep up with all her friends. It's what led to our divorce, among other stuff.

I drove the same car for 13 years. Just recently bought a Mazda 3, because my thirteen-year-old car was getting too expensive to maintain after 300,000 miles.

I am a roommate, my wife and I are roommates at the home of a family friend. Working on saving towards a house. The goal is to be debt-free before we buy a house, with a good down payment on a 15 year mortgage. We still own a house at the beach, on Oak Island North Carolina, but it is rented out.

I don't worry about stuff. I have everything I need, though one day I will have a CJ-5 Jeep. That's probably the only thing I wanted for years and have not been able to get. Otherwise, all the extra money goes to pay stuff off and to savings.

Thankfully neither my wife or myself are materialistic. I do want more experiences once we get and a house and divert money to other interest. Mainly things to share with the kids that they will remember.

Our goal, which we have been very good at, has been to pay cash for everything. We both financed vehicles in the last year, but that was after we both had vehicles for over 13 years that were falling apart. We can't get to work without a reliable car.

Our other goal is to have zero debt 18 years when I retire. If I play my cards right I can retire at 52 and never have to work another day in my life.

My ex-wife put me through hell financially. I vented here about a lot of it. I will never find myself in that situation again. The only two things I will ever finance for the rest of my life are a house and a car, and both of those as minimal as possible. Having a wife who is on board is invaluable. Especially when she makes more money than I do LOL


I do see people who are very successful, and wonder how they got to where they were. Not as a point of Envy, but as a point of Education. My parents were very successful, much more than I ever realized until I was in my thirties. I regret that they never explained to me how they got there. One thing I'll always be proud of, although it has certainly sucked at times...when I get done with this run, as Frank Sinatra said, I Did It My Way. Without help from any family.

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Originally posted by mr kablammo:
"He who dies with the most toys wins" is not true.

I had a friend who had way more toys than I. He had a brand new F-150, she had a new SUV, they had a camping trailer, a nice house......and the list went on. They were both in their late 60's and still working.

He had a sudden health problem that landed him in the hospital. He was dead 3 days later.

Guess what.....all the toys were mortgaged to the nuts and it all went back.

I think she lives with a son or daughter at this point.

Mike

I'm not sure when it happened, but some time ago, I realized that I lived free of envy.

I imagine it was an evolutionary process, gradually, maybe slowly.

I grew up with most of the envies of college kids, not really poor but closer to poor than affluent. I was ambitious, wanted to achieve goals all right. One weird thing. Repeatedly, I would have a goal to accomplish something, a particular status, get a particular job, etc. Not achieving these would bother me, but then later, something would just happen that I did not expect or imagine, which would have been impossible had I achieved what I wanted, and worked out better, in a few cases far better, than whatever it was I wanted.

Anyway, I realized some years ago that I no longer envied the possessions or status or appearance of others.

Sometimes it is not having something or buying something that gives you pleasure/satisfaction > It is knowing that you could if you want to.
However, wanting something and not being able to is another story.
If the later is the case just eval your situation and figure out how to get there if you can.

I understand. Mine is not so much about stuff. I am relatively young in my field and also on the low end of the income range for my peers. I mean in the best case, I make 30% of what some of my peers make. And I would say there are certainly smarter folks that do what I do and that make more- but that isn't always the case. Businesses take time to build so it will eventually be fine, I think.

I was lamenting my income issues with a friend who makes 5 times what I do. Kind of fussing that if I could just get to the end of the year and keep up my 10% income growth (which is the lowest I've had over the 3 years,) that I would be more comfortable.

My friend says "Nate, you know how I mean this: you will never be happy with more if you aren't happy with less. I have wasted enough of my career looking UP at the next income level and not being happy and content where I am."

So yeah, I guess these are first world problems....

ETA: I do have more guns than him.....

I can understand the sentiment. Things went very, very wrong over the last few years, and I lost just about everything, from belongings to my position with the police department to my now ex-fiance.

I'm 27, working a $11/hr security job while I figure things out. I was INCREDIBLY envious for some time, of friends and acquaintances, most of whom now own homes, have great jobs, wives/husbands, kids, nice cars, etc. I'm the odd man out with none of those things.

But over time that feeling sort of faded and I "settled in" to my situation, and honestly, I feel great about it. Things are what they are sometimes, and accepting them is the best thing you can do, and can be a great feeling when that extra stress is gone.

One thing I did a long time ago was write down goals. I wanted to have this airplane, I wanted to have that car, I wanted to have these skills. I focused on those goals and achieved some of them. Some of them I ended up doing something better, some of them I decided weren't goals for me anymore. "My" truck is a ratty, '03 extracab Tacoma. The wife drives a nice car, but I no longer want the fancy car that I wanted back then because I'd just have to take care of it. When we started at the ranch, I wanted a lot of equipment. I mean, "Shoot, if you have all the cool toys you can do almost anything." Nowadays it is enough work maintaining the equipment that we do have that the last thing I want is anything else. Perspective tends to change with time.

I believe that writing down and prioritizing your goals is very valuable. For me, right now, the most important things are not things. It wasn't always that way, but it is that way now.

I made some stupid choices early in life in regards to education that have impacted me over the years. Even at 19 I realized that I sabotaged myself and it was too late except for some damage control I was able to do, go back and get my diploma and not a GED. The stupidest thing is that I had SS and VA Survivors benefits willing to pay me to get my education but I was too cool for school. Kind of like my father never taking the GI Bill or the VA home loans after his "vacation" in North Africa, the ETO and getting his go home ticket punched at Bastogne during the Bulge while enjoying the scenery and the friendship of the opposing team on the field. Again, can't blame anyone for our own mistakes, he as well as I did thought we were doing the right thing. How wrong we both were in our own ways.

Lucked into a career that took me to management level, I walked away from that as the prize I felt was no longer worth it. Had two offers to jump into a different line of work twice, the old Ma Bell in 1975 and a small town LEO career in 1985. That was an offshoot of my volunteer Firefighter/EMT times, I had my EMT Basic and Firefighter 1 @ 2 down, that was an accomplishment in my eyes. The stupid thing, that department would accept a HS Diploma for hiring and they would have paid me to go to the academy and picked up that tab too. Twenty year retirement, take home car, overtime, uniforms and equipment. How stupid was I but my wife got cold feet on it so I gave it up. Such is life.

Last year I made the decision to retire this summer, a few months earlier that full SS would have paid at 66. My wife hung it up at 59, physical problems and inter-office bs at the medical practice she worked for.

My ex-supervisor last summer was on a mission to get me to stay, his favorite thing was money. I will not get into the details, suffice that he leads a different lifestyle that I do. That's fine, the truth for one is not the truth for another. He likes playing head games, I don't play, nor do I bluff. I do what I say. And I did it. Left the end of June.

Anyhow, he started in on the "I'm gonna work till I'm 70, it'll give me more money for more toys (his exact words) with a p.s., the one who dies with the most toys wins" to which I replied " and you're still dead, ain't gonna help you a bit then", And as I walked away being the ass**** I am I said "invite me to the yard sale please"........that is the way he is.......

I have acquaintances/friends with millions, some without a pot to piss in or a window to toss it out of, I really care less, I look inside the person, not the outside. And I can assure you that I do not have millions, even one but we are happy.

Wife and I drove old POS cars from 1979 to 2003, she bought her second new one, first one was in 1975, my new one was in 2004, first new one since 1977, now on two 2012's only the second new purchases since we have been married. I bought two Harleys, one a 1982 that I bought in 1998, still have it. Bought a used Police lease turn in 2003, worked a second job to pay for it, still have it too. My retirement job is in a Harley dealer, the salespeople still try to get me to trade it in. I really like no payments, my big purchase this year was a new set of Michelin Commander 2's for it. Only future plans are to next year after the cars are paid off to look for a used several year old Class C motorhome, if anyone knows of one about that timeframe let me know. Probably a 15k max amount, hopefully less though to spend. Again, want to get acclimated to SS, no pensions from our work years so everything is fluid, we go with the flow.

I look out today over the yard, my first weekend off this week, I work two days, off two, work one, off two. So two weekends a week. Life is good, be thankful for where you are and what you have.

i'd like to win the lotto sure. in the meantime, i'm trying to retire in 10 years. i have semi beater truck that's over 20 years old and a semi beater sedan that's pushing 20.

at this point, i'm just getting burned out working corp america so trying a side gig and trying to pay down my house so i can retire. it's not the best house, nor the best hood, but retiring will make me happier methinks.

check in with me in 10 years.

I am not really jealous of other peoples stuff. I do get bummed out every time I see a 100 Series Toyota Land Cruiser or Lexus LX470 but that is because I forewent buying one and got a van because it was a better fit for my family not because I can't afford one.

I do get jealous of all the enjoyable and fun things people get to do. Having 3 boys under the age of 4 my life is consumed with them and the things they do. And my free time which is very little is always filled with things that must be done like mowing the grass and other projects not enjoyable activities. Doing stuff with my boys is fun most of the time but there are just things in life that I miss doing before we had kids.
And like you a lot of my jealousy is garnered from folks Facebook posts of their daily fun activities.