Is this normal? I don’t think so, but little feelings of envy and jealously have been hitting me a bit lately when I see people in my age group or even younger buying up huge beautiful new construction homes and driving brand new fancy cars, etc. It never bothered me before and I was happy for people who seemed to have nicer things than me, but it seems like as I get older (now 44) I’m changing a bit and these feelings are coming up. I guess it comes from feeling like I’ve not “made it” yet while others have?


I know much of this has to do with social media which I’ve tried to stay off Facebook for a while but went back after missing certain aspects of it. It's even gotten to the point of unfollowing people who only ever seem to want to show off about their latest fancy vacation or house or whatever. A lot of FB does seem to draw people who like to show off for whatever reason which is kind of disappointing.


We made the decision that my wife would stay home and raise our two little boys instead of shuffling them off to daycare to be raised by strangers. It means everything we do is off my salary which is decent but not such that we can afford a larger newer home or drive newer cars. I drive an old 2007 beater Civic that has got to last me a while yet and my wife’s is only a few years newer. We live in an old house that while is fixed up pretty nice, is still an old house with no closets or playroom for kids, etc.


I can see how the whole “keeping up with the Jones” phenomenon came about and continues to this day, but I really try to not feel a pang of jealously when a friend my age or younger is showing off their new 3,500 sq. foot brand new house that looks like it’s straight out of a magazine! How do I try to deal with this? I know compared to much of the rest of the world, I’m still considered “RICH” and very well off, but it’s sometimes discouraging to see these things without feeling envy about it. It’s just STUFF and I know in the eternal scheme of things it means precisely zero what size house you had or what year car you drove.

Maybe I need to just talk with the wife about it, she's a counselor actually by training in her previous life before Stay At Home Mom became her job title!

The people buying those homes likely have a lot more debt than you do. Don't give it another thought.

Close the Facebook account.

.....where the hell am I right now?

I think your priorities with your family are in order. Spend some time thinking about the meaning of your life. It is not a race to acquire more possessions than the other guy.

There can be a big difference between how "wealthy" someone is vs. how wealthy they look. Easy credit, luxury car leases, mortgages can help make one look wealthy while being essentially broke. Reminds me of that commercial from years ago with the guy talking about all his nice stuff while riding in a new SUV full of water as he says with a smile "How do I afford all this? I'm in debt up to my eyeballs!"

That's the one thing I can really credit my wife for doing after we got married in 2012; whipping my ass into fiscal shape!

We have been aggressively paying down debt and only have a small amount of CC debt, some student loan debt for her and maybe around $5,500 on a car loan, the other car is paid for.

It means we don't have to live paycheck to paycheck for sure even on one income and any purchases over $50 are discussed between the two of us if it's something that is really needed or we can wait on, etc.

Prior to meeting my wife, I was over $25,000 in the hole with credit card debt alone.

My wife and I built a 2000sqft 'starter' home over 20 years ago, and we're still here. That's mostly because I just seem to float through life with no financial sense - my wife is ready to move. But, we're also not 'house poor', and we can afford to help our kids with college, and take some nice trips once in a while. If we were to sell this home, and buy something nicer in our part of town, we'd be looking at spending over 550k. So, we fix up our house where we can - my wife is a fantastic decorator, and while small, our house still works for us.
I guess what I'm saying is, having a nice house with a huge mortgage will cramp your lifestyle and limit your ability to do other things.

quote:

Originally posted by S600MBUSA:
There can be a big difference between how "wealthy" someone is vs. how wealthy they look.

that is so true. In my profession I deal with insanely wealthy people, and people that work hard to look insanely wealthy. I've gotten good at spotting the difference. The truly wealthy ones have a credit card on file with me and dont ask when I whack their black card for 10-15k dollars, the ones that live with the appearance of being rich always want a week to "move money around" for much smaller purchases... and they drive similar cars.

As a western society we're enabled to enjoy and possess things far greater than most societies in the world. We've created a world were things are obtainable for the average person (benefits of capitalism) but, some people think that means they MUST have things. We're similar in age and stage in life, as we've grown older and been around the block a few times, we can now look with perspective and size-up on how we're doing. There are some in society that merely possessing things, is a statement, a hallmark of their achievement....then what? At what point do you have everything or, at what point does it even matter? I've always admired those families who've grown up in a single home, kids have moved-out, they continued living in the same place until their retirement, they then sold the place, down-sized to a more modest size or, bought a condo instead and lived there until their death. They weren't so wrapped up in legacy gifting to their children or, making sure they left behind objects or, possessions that would mean more to them than to their inheritors. I've had to deal with a lot of family death clean-up and a majority of their possessions usually end up donated or, in the dump.

I hate the fact that in our current world, various political stripes have coopted or, monopolized various statements or, meanings to represent themselves, one of them that I do hold onto is to Live Simply. I don't need a lot, and while I enjoy a lot of things, I don't have to have them all. I'd much rather have enough wealth to allow me to travel, the things I own are of good-to-high quality thus I'm not replacing things needlessly, be comfortable in my old age and die on my own terms.

quote:

Originally posted by cmr076:

quote:

Originally posted by S600MBUSA:
There can be a big difference between how "wealthy" someone is vs. how wealthy they look.

that is so true. In my profession I deal with insanely wealthy people, and people that work to look insanely wealthy. I've gotten good at spotting the difference. The truly wealthy ones have a credit card on file with me and dont ask when I whack their black card for 10-15k dollars, the ones that live with the appearance of being rich always want a week to "move money around" for much smaller purchases... and they drive similar cars.

Exactly right.

Really wealthy people do not show off on Facebook. I'll say again, get off Facebook. It is a total waste of time. If you need to show off your shit on FB, you are a poser.

quote:

Originally posted by PASig:
Prior to meeting my wife, I was over $25,000 in the hole with credit card debt alone.

You are out of debt. You are blessed with a wife and good kids. It's all good! The rest is just gravy.
But I know what you mean... it's easy to notice those who have more... but many have less!

"But those who are determined to be rich fall into temptation and a snare and many senseless and harmful desires that plunge men into destruction and ruin." -1 Timothy 6:9

The love of money, whether you have it or not, is not the key to happiness. Living within your means, and not desiring to keep up with the Jonses' brings me a peace of mind, and contentment, that can't be had any other way.

H&K-Guy

quote:

Originally posted by FishOn:
The people buying those homes likely have a lot more debt than you do. Don't give it another thought.

Close the Facebook account.

My thoughts exactly, you have done a great job paying down debit, unlike those driving the nice cars and insane homes. Just keep plugging away and soon you will be debit free and able to pay cash for one of those fancy cars!

You may find someday you may feel less is more and not having to pay the piper makes you a different/happier person.

It's not abnormal. As many others have said, you don't know a thing about their debt loads, but I can give you a hint...

In addition, when you and your wife made the decision for her to stay home and raise the kids, there really wasn't any visible "cost" to you. Those to whom you are comparing yourself hadn't had the chance to make their two income nut yet either. Only now, after years of living on one income, does the disparity become obvious to you.

You made a choice. To my mind, a good, honorable and preferable choice for the benefit of your kids, which will impart more richness to them than will some additional money or a bigger house. Like all choices, it has consequences, one of which is less coin in the bank at the moment.

Remember that this point in your life is barely the midpoint. You have a lot of life, and a lot of opportunity still in front of you. Don't think of what you don't have. Plan and work for what you want.

Good luck, and don't let it bother you.

Don't worry about what others have. I get into this a lot when I compare my self to single friends or other car guys that spend $10,000-20,000 more than I have. For instance, my friend and his wife both have new cars. My friend bought his 2013 Mustang GT brand new and she just bought a fully loaded Jeep Cherokee Trailhawk. They are both working but are still renting a house and have no real assets. They also have school loans left. I am $16,000 in debt, if you include my 08 Ridgeline which I am still paying off. My school loans were paid before I bought my house. The difference is my wife owns our house in Taiwan and I have ours in the US. I have a fair amount of assets such as jewelry, tools, firearms, ect. that they don't. I drive an 02 Civic with 179k miles to work everyday. Rich in assets but cash poor.

quote:

Originally posted by sig229-SAS:

quote:

Originally posted by FishOn:
The people buying those homes likely have a lot more debt than you do. Don't give it another thought.

Close the Facebook account.

My thoughts exactly, you have done a great job paying down debit, unlike those driving the nice cars and insane homes. Just keep plugging away and soon you will be debit free and able to pay cash for one of those fancy cars!

Trust me on this, please. If you take care of your family and pay down debt along the way, you will be WAY ahead of the posers you are jealous of now. When you are in your 50s/60s you will be laughing. Do NOT be jealous of others. Debt is the killer.

quote:

I guess it comes from feeling like I’ve not “made it” yet while others have?

Sounds like you are being influenced by the wrong principles.
Some people it takes time to mature in life and perhaps you have a way to go.
On the other hand nothing wrong with having a "fire in your belly" and an urge to succeed.
Something we (and speaking for myself) have when we are younger.
In that case make the most out of it and just do better and go make more money.
The thing is having that motivation can be good but not so much if jealousy is the reason.
Do it because you want to improve your self and if you do then you should be rewarded $$$$.
Good Luck.

quote:

Originally posted by FishOn:

quote:

Originally posted by cmr076:

quote:

Originally posted by S600MBUSA:
There can be a big difference between how "wealthy" someone is vs. how wealthy they look.

that is so true. In my profession I deal with insanely wealthy people, and people that work to look insanely wealthy. I've gotten good at spotting the difference. The truly wealthy ones have a credit card on file with me and dont ask when I whack their black card for 10-15k dollars, the ones that live with the appearance of being rich always want a week to "move money around" for much smaller purchases... and they drive similar cars.

Exactly right.

Really wealthy people do not show off on Facebook. I'll say again, get off Facebook. It is a total waste of time. If you need to show off your shit on FB, you are a poser.

exactly. With very few exceptions (lifestyle people who make their living off social media, which is incredibly difficult), they dont have the time to show off on facebook.. they're too busy either working, or enjoying their toys and families.

First, the feeling is "normal" in the sense that it happens to many people. Most people call it a Mid-Life Crisis. They get to a point in their lives where they hoped to have "made it" and settle into an ideal life, experience a sense of dissatisfaction of where they are in comparison to where they want to be, and then buy some toys to make up for it.

Second, I would ignore the comments about people being house poor, or in debt, or that they are not truly wealthy or happy and etc. I'm sure everyone means well when they say things like that, but it's a bad perspective to have. Looking for the fault in peoples lives to bring them down to "your level" is not healthy. Also, it's not being honest with yourself--deep down, you know that there are people who are simply more successful or happier than you and not everything is a facade. Besides, if you need to reduce other people's successes to increase your happiness, you are not very far from the idea that you would be happy about other people's failures...and that's not the type of person you want to be.

So, rather than hate on the other players of "the game" for "winning" it, I leave you with two thoughts:

1) Seek joy in the success of others. Life is not a zero-sum game. Other people being successful in life does not take away from your own successes. Look for people who are truly admirable, successful in the ways that truly matter, and be glad that the universe has found ways to bless good people with good lives.

2) Seek joy in your own successes. Successful people are those that get what they want, but happy people are those that want what they get. Look at your own accomplishments and decide that those are the things that have mattered to you most. For instance, having your wife stay at home and not be raised by strangers was important to you. Seek joy in that success.

In other words, eat your ice cream cone. Be happy that the guy next to you gets an ice cream cone too; maybe he even got a few extra scoops, but there's plenty of ice cream to go around. And don't let him, or anyone else, convince you that his chocolate ice cream is better than your strawberry. It may be really good chocolate ice cream, but you wanted strawberry all along. And, if you really consider it carefully, it's a damn good strawberry ice cream you are having.