Been lurking and following, but you have great advice, so I cannot add much.

Only one thing. (and it is not one size fits all).

Do not focus on "not drinking".

Being subject to the influence of alcohol dependency, allowing that white elephant to wander around your house (in your head) will only have it constantly upsetting everything. It simply cannot fit in the environment.

Rather, just "don't be a drinker" from this day on and every time the issue presents itself.

Same thing with smoking. I quit two times in my life. The first time was for several months, the second was for more than a year. And both of those times I "saw myself" as someone who had quit smoking.

The last time I decided I was a non-smoker. I just became someone who did not smoke.

It may seem silly or a non sequitur, but I think it drives an anchor point in the mind.

If you are a "recovering alcoholic", you are in a mindset that you are forever locked in a state that you simply are not under the influence of your last drink, and no idea when you will have your next drink, and your mind is forever driven by that "point in time" construct.

I do know that some people may need to have that tension to keep from drinking, as it has been an effective tool.

But, I also know that with addictions, dependencies and many behaviors that are driven from the same point of mindset and/or physical drives, that the pattern of "calm, anxiety, tension, buildup, action, release," is a circle of repetition.

The "release" of giving in to the "dependency" brings a release, that often brings guilt/shame/regret that begins the circle again. (among other internal and external factors)

But, what ever is effective and works to provide you (or anyone) with a healthy and whole life, is almost always a good thing.

And, yeah. Let that doG show you the way.

quote:

Originally posted by sigmonkey:
If you are a "recovering alcoholic", you are in a mindset that you are forever locked in a state that you simply are not under the influence of your last drink, and no idea when you will have your next drink, and your mind is forever driven by that "point in time" construct.

The mindset I've seen seems to be more one of "ok, I get it now, and I will be fine as long as I never do that again, and to avoid doing that ever again, I have to follow some steps and help some people." It's not a bad deal, really.

quote:

Originally posted by sigmonkey:
The last time I decided I was a non-smoker. I just became someone who did not smoke.

It may seem silly or a non sequitur, but I think it drives an anchor point in the mind.

FWIW, I wholeheartedly agree with this. I've never really had an issue with booze, but when I finally quit smoking 14 years ago, also after many attempts, I changed my mindset. I told myself I was now a non-smoker, just like I was before I ever smoked my first cigarette.

Every prior attempt failed, despite trying gum and patches, etc, because in every cases I was, in my mind, a smoker addicted to nicotine who was not smoking (for the moment). I don't pretend to understand the psychology behind the effectiveness of the different framing, but it was hugely important for me.

It’s NOT about stopping.
Anybody can do that. I’ve done it many times.
Recovery is all about how to NOT START.
How to seek and find ease and comfort (which is why we consume alcohol, every one of us) elsewhere, anywhere, somewhere.
For that, you need some things. Tools. Power.
Sigmonkey is -as usual- on the right path.

quote:

Originally posted by lontai:

quote:

Originally posted by sigmonkey:
The last time I decided I was a non-smoker. I just became someone who did not smoke.

It may seem silly or a non sequitur, but I think it drives an anchor point in the mind.

FWIW, I wholeheartedly agree with this. I've never really had an issue with booze, but when I finally quit smoking 14 years ago, also after many attempts, I changed my mindset. I told myself I was now a non-smoker, just like I was before I ever smoked my first cigarette.

Every prior attempt failed, despite trying gum and patches, etc, because in every cases I was, in my mind, a smoker addicted to nicotine who was not smoking (for the moment). I don't pretend to understand the psychology behind the effectiveness of the different framing, but it was hugely important for me.

I have to say, I'm also in the same boat. It has worked for what will be ten years on Thanksgiving. The only time it began to falter was when I worked at a place where I sold tobacco. Seeing it, handling it, and smelling it had me back into having dreams about smoking again, then thinking about bumming a smoke off a coworker, etc. So I left the job and the dreams and urges stopped. People. Places. Things.

quote:

Originally posted by VictimNoMore:
It’s NOT about stopping.
Anybody can do that. I’ve done it many times.
Recovery is all about how to NOT START.
How to seek and find ease and comfort (which is why we consume alcohol, every one of us) elsewhere, anywhere, somewhere.
For that, you need some things. Tools. Power.
Sigmonkey is -as usual- on the right path.

My how to NOT START is avoiding certain places. I pretty much only frequented one brewery and it wasn't just the beer that I liked. Local veteran family and some of the best people.

I can't do that here at home. This is where I live and I cook/eat here. This is the hard part because most of the time the drinking was here. Fire up the grill, smoker or get the cast iron out and cook. Beer started opening while I was cooking.

When it was warmer, I'd get home from work, get ready to cook and start drinking. Most of the time outside. Change out of work clothes into shorts and sit outside by the grill. Got to be habit and even the dog knew the drill.

Had to change how I approach cooking and last week was filled with fast food as I have never drank with McDonald's or whatever. Didn't cook last night either and Saturday's are a ritual for me cooking.

So habits have to change and I have to approach the end of a work day differently also. Lots of change going on right now and I've always said change is inevitable.

I include myself here as well.

I never thought I had a problem because I did not drink every day, and never missed work because of drinking.

But, since retiring I have been drinking more and enjoying it less.

EDIT: After reading this whole thread, I'm ready to stop drinking.

What I plan on doing is seeing if I can go 30 days without having a drink. If I do, great. I'll keep on going. If I don't make it, I'm going to find a meeting.

I'm also going to tell the wife because I know she will hold me accountable.

Thanks guys.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: CoolRich59,

quote:

Originally posted by joatmonv:
My how to NOT START is avoiding certain places.

Yup. It's not unlike becoming a non-smoker: One usually has to avoid those things that tend to trigger the desire, at least at first, for the new status quo to become, well, the status quo

You may one day again be able to enjoy BBQ'ing, time at the bar with friends, watching sports, etc., but right now they tend to trigger the behavior you're trying to stop, so you have to shun them.

I quit smoking about 10-1/2 years ago. I've long been to the point that being around smokers doesn't bother me in the least. Long been to the point I could go to the bar without feeling the desire to smoke. (Though I don't, very much, any more, and smoking inside bars in Michigan is no longer allowed, anyway, so I guess that no longer much matters.)

Good luck. Alcohol has never been much of a problem for me. On the couple occasions it threatened to become one, I simply quit for a while. Smoking, though... that took three tries So I can sympathize with the effort.

quote:

Originally posted by sigmonkey:

The last time I decided I was a non-smoker. I just became someone who did not smoke.

It may seem silly or a non sequitur, but I think it drives an anchor point in the mind.

Definitely not silly or a non sequitur. I wish I could find the specific quotation, but the author of Atomic Habits makes this point too.

One quote I did find was: "Your identity emerges out of your habits. You are not born with preset beliefs. Every belief, including those about yourself, is learned and conditioned through experience. More precisely, your habits are how you embody your identity. When you make your bed each day, you embody the identity of an organized person. When you write each day, you embody the identity of a creative person. When you train each day, you embody the identity of an athletic person. The more you repeat a behavior, the more you reinforce the identity associated with that behavior."

My takeaway was that you need to think of yourself as who you want to be, not think of yourself as who you want to stop being.

quote:

Originally posted by ensigmatic:

quote:

Originally posted by joatmonv:
My how to NOT START is avoiding certain places.

Yup. It's not unlike becoming a non-smoker: One usually has to avoid those things that tend to trigger the desire, at least at first, for the new status quo to become, well, the status quo

You may one day again be able to enjoy BBQ'ing, time at the bar with friends, watching sports, etc., but right now they tend to trigger the behavior you're trying to stop, so you have to shun them.

I quit smoking about 10-1/2 years ago. I've long been to the point that being around smokers doesn't bother me in the least. Long been to the point I could go to the bar without feeling the desire to smoke. (Though I don't, very much, any more, and smoking inside bars in Michigan is no longer allowed, anyway, so I guess that no longer much matters.)

Good luck. Alcohol has never been much of a problem for me. On the couple occasions it threatened to become one, I simply quit for a while. Smoking, though... that took three tries So I can sympathize with the effort.

I have smoked for 37 years and although I have tried, I can't seem to quit for more than a month. You can pretty much guess what triggers my smoking the most.
I'm not going to attempt that right now. One thing at a time.

I found that quitting one helped give me the strength and experience I needed to quit the other.

Once I developed a positive attitude towards sobriety, I developed a neutral attitude to alcohol;

AA Meetings is a great place to find someone to talk with.

All you have to do is state you are a newcomer and ask for a sponsor.
There are people in AA that live for that. It helps to keep them sober.

Bob

quote:

Originally posted by CoolRich59: ...My takeaway was that you need to think of yourself as who you want to be, not think of yourself as who you want to stop being.

Bingo.

It is easier to walk forward into the "new day", than to spend all your "new days" trying to un-walk your days long gone.

Who do you want to be? ....

Well, this thread had me thinking for quite a while.

Today marks one week, not a drop. I’m pretty proud.

It’s been fairly easy, except Friday afternoon. My grill didn’t arrive because UPS freight are dumbasses, I was decorating the house for the wife’s birthday and baking/decorating a cake. The urge to have a couple drinks to make the afternoon more enjoyable was pretty strong.

I made some rose lemonade (I almost nailed Fentimans recipe) and steered clear if the alcohol.

quote:

Originally posted by Beancooker:
Well, this thread had me thinking for quite a while.

Today marks one week, not a drop. I’m pretty proud.

It’s been fairly easy, except Friday afternoon. My grill didn’t arrive because UPS freight are dumbasses, I was decorating the house for the wife’s birthday and baking/decorating a cake. The urge to have a couple drinks to make the afternoon more enjoyable was pretty strong.

I made some rose lemonade (I almost nailed Fentimans recipe) and steered clear if the alcohol.

Good to hear Bean.
I have been killing energy drinks. Is it better than alcohol? Not sure, probably not but I'm doing good on the alcohol front.
Not going to say I haven't been tempted and I have distanced myself from ALOT of people. Charity events for autism, dog rescue events and so on. People I know put them on and it's always at a local bar. I just respectfully decline. It's caused waves but I don't care. I'm looking out for me.

Daryle was dry for ninety days,
His potential new employer knew of his problem and ordered an extensive
Physical exam , prior to hiring him.

Organ functions, x-rays, sonograms, cat scans, allergy testing, even psychology doc.

Daryle found out that he had two health problems that needed to be attended to.

One of which was directly attributable to his habit.

He said going that our was a big kick in the butt twords staying sober