Because I am not a veteran for the last 5 years I have been told I can’t possibly have PTSD. When In fact I do. I looked for help and found none.
I snapped the other night. A post on Facebook triggered it. A picture of the back of an ambulance covered in blood. A picture I have seen too many times.
It brought me back to all the patients I cared for and still lost. All the children I saw crying while I’m doing CPR on their parent or grandparent. It made me second guess every decision I made on an ambulance or on the truck.
I snapped, mad at nobody but myself I took my anger out on kitchen cabinets and my back door.
I woke up Monday with 3 broken cabinets, a dented door and no idea what happened. My wife filled me in because after I snapped I was in another world. No desire to hurt anybody but my own hands and my own brain.
I wanted the memories to go away. I wanted the faces to go away. I wanted the pain and sorrow of the loved ones I saw to go away.
I know it never will. I know I will live with it forever. I just wish the “professionals” would help.
I don’t want meds I want to talk to someone who gets it. Instead I’m treated like a drug seeker.
I tried the drugs all they do is make me numb.
Sorry for rambling but I needed to let it out.
For the record before I get asked I gave a friend all my firearms when I realized I was starting to have issues years ago.

Please call either the Fire/EMS Helpline or Safe Call Now (which is a helpline for all public safety employees).

They're confidential, they have trained counselors available 24/7, and they can get you hooked up with the right local resources rapidly.

Fire/EMS: 1-888-731-3473
https://www.nvfc.org/fireems-helpline/

Safe Call Now: 1-877-230-6060
https://www.safecallnow.org/


I don't know who's been telling you that only veterans get PTSD or that there's no help for you out there, but that's absolutely wrong.

We all have it brother, you're not alone. Some have different triggers for it than others. But admitting it to yourself is the best thing you can do.

Check out some of the resources that the Code Green Campaign has, they're dedicated to mental health in public safety. http://codegreencampaign.org/resources/

If you don't mind sharing, what state are you located in? I know Mass has a lot of great resources and I'm sure yours does as well.

My wife (a therapist - no meds) suggests you should find someone who does EMDR therapy. She can assist you in finding someone local if desired. Email in profile.

quote:

Originally posted by ryan81986:
We all have it brother, you're not alone. Some have different triggers for it than others. But admitting it to yourself is the best thing you can do.

Check out some of the resources that the Code Green Campaign has, they're dedicated to mental health in public safety. http://codegreencampaign.org/resources/

If you don't mind sharing, what state are you located in? I know Mass has a lot of great resources and I'm sure yours does as well.

I’m in CT. My department counselor didn’t want to hear anything other than wanting to prescribe medications. I’m talking to my current company to work with our In house medical staff to find a doctor willing to not rely on medication.

I think it takes only one incident. You don't have to be there for the original incident to see that the aftermath is what sinks in.

You see, you hear and you smell. That never goes away for good people and you have to deal with it in a healthy way.

Good job to you for reaching out and like others have said you are not alone.You can fight it and it is survivable.

PTSD has nothing to do with being a veteran. It has everything to do with the aftermath of traumatic events, and some veterans are but a small part of the larger picture of those who are exposed. It can affect far, far more than veterans.

I was haunted for years by the body of an 8 year old drowning victim, and later by two very young cancer patients whom I transported. No personal investment on my part, no direct connection. No explosions or drama. Something very different and it didn't go away.

There's no telling what triggers it. Years of dealing with high stress environments, no problem...then one day it's something in the quiet that sets it off, and there you are.

You're every bit as susceptible as anyone else, and your experience is just as valid. Know that.

quote:

Originally posted by ffemt44:

quote:

Originally posted by ryan81986:
We all have it brother, you're not alone. Some have different triggers for it than others. But admitting it to yourself is the best thing you can do.

Check out some of the resources that the Code Green Campaign has, they're dedicated to mental health in public safety. http://codegreencampaign.org/resources/

If you don't mind sharing, what state are you located in? I know Mass has a lot of great resources and I'm sure yours does as well.

I’m in CT. My department counselor didn’t want to hear anything other than wanting to prescribe medications. I’m talking to my current company to work with our In house medical staff to find a doctor willing to not rely on medication.

Yeah, meds are stupid for this. What you need is to talk to someone on the job that is also trained for CISM/CISD to help you decompress.

quote:

PTSD has nothing to do with being a veteran. It has everything to do with the aftermath of traumatic events, and some veterans are but a small part of the larger picture of those who are exposed. It can affect far, far more than veterans

This!!!! Traumatic incident can, and do, happen all the time! My youngest grandson suffers from PTSD from experiences he suffered while in the army. But traumatic events can cause long term reactions in a lot of people, not just veterans. Police officers suffer the same exposures to traumatic events and they have normal reactions, too. My brother is a retired cop and he experienced some very traumatic events while on duty, and had flashbacks for several years.

To the OP, get some professional counseling.

My wife is an excellent therapist and highly recommended EMDR as an effective and evidenced based treatment for PTSD. I’m sorry you are going through this but there is definitely hope. Prayers sent for you and thanks for your service.

Me too. Diagnosed when I got my exit physical when I retired.
Noises, smells and scenes (mostly traffic crashes) cause me to flashback.
Vivid, scary cop dreams which have faded over time.
Sirens immediately wake me up.
I have been doing ok with it.
You are not alone and help is out there, you just have to find it.
Best wishes.
And I truly believe that the more caring, compassionate and moral a person you are, the harder PTSD hits you.

For me it’s smells. Certain smells trigger some very repressed memories. I don’t get mad and violent but get depressed and drive people I love away from me. Email is in my profile if you want to talk send me one and I’ll give you my number.

Also call 1-888-731 fire. It is a helpline by people in the fire and medical field to help firemen, EMTs and first responders deal with everything from drugs,depression and PTSD and other issues related to the job.

I know exactly how you feel, I was a paramedic for a decade myself. It’s been about six years since I’ve been out of the field, but I still have occasional nightmares from the few horrendous ones I simply can’t forget. Usually it’s the news that gets me going, constant shootings, DWI, car wrecks... it doesn’t help that it gets sensationalized by the news either. Feel free to PM me if you like, but get help somewhere for sure.

Thank you all for the support. I am working with my company medical ESD team currently. However I will be in contact with green team and others if needed. Thank you all for caring. This invisible horror haunts many of us.

May God bless you with healing in your time of need, ffemt44. You will be in my prayers.

Yeah....your not alone brother...anyone in emergency services has some degree of that shit...it’s all in how you deal with it. Sounds like talking with someone will help, coworker, counselor Etc....stay away from meds if you can and if not...there’s really no stigma attached other than your own. My email is in my profile and i’m in the same state...been on the job 25 years so I’ve seen a few things myself. If you email me just put something like SigForum in the headline do I see it...I get too much crap to pay too close attention to junk mail....good luck and stay safe

You have mail....

quote:

Originally posted by kg5388:
For me it’s smells. Certain smells trigger some very repressed memories. I don’t get mad and violent but get depressed and drive people I love away from me. Email is in my profile if you want to talk send me one and I’ll give you my number.

Also call 1-888-731 fire. It is a helpline by people in the fire and medical field to help firemen, EMTs and first responders deal with everything from drugs,depression and PTSD and other issues related to the job.

I made the call. Thank you. They are setting me up with a local therapist

I have it too. Besides nightmares many or most nights, the main problem is clenching and grinding my teeth. I had no idea I had such a grinding problem, but have ruined all my molars. Some had to be pulled, some were repairable.

I would check with a dentist and have them examine you for grinding. 95% of people grind under stress. If you do, a quality nightguard can save your teeth, or what is left of them. Definitely have a professional check, becuse you will me unaware of the problem.

Ex-Firefighter and EMT here. 1981-1990

I knew one that was part of a response to a MVA one night. That person just flipped and said "I can't do this" and walked away from the scene. Walked home and never returned to work. There was more than adequate coverage at that incident, I was out of town at the time and heard it through others at the scene.

I am hoping that you get the assistance you want and need. Many of us here have experienced the same things you have. We support you. It can happen to anybody.

And yes, PTSD is real, not just for combat troops.