I’d just like to say a big thank you to all of you. Especially those who sent me an email. I don’t know how to put it in words other than thank you.
I was set up with a therapist though the fire line near where I work (130 miles from home) who will be helping me with no medication.
I can’t express enough how much you guys helped. So again thank you.

There is a saying about PTSD, typically around emergency services. "I wish my mind could forget what my eyes have seen."

There are no time limits on PTSD in emergency services. Your first incident, depending on severity and the individual, could be the one. The longer you do it, the higher the probability that it will become part of your life. It is one of the reasons why probies and rookies are kept on the sidelines of a major incident their first 4-6 months.

It also has a cumulative effect. It's like filling a bucket with little drops. Eventually it will overflow, even if there is no big drop (critical incident) to tip it. One big drop might fill the bucket. The stress debriefings after critical incidents are in essence supposed to help empty the bucket. This was in its infancy when I was doing it.

Now, guys are encouraged to talk about it, lean on each other, help each other out, much like you've seen in this thread. Back when I was on it was "don't get emotional" or "deal with it" or my favorite "we don't talk about it, its over, let it go". The morbid sense of humor that many of us develop is a safety valve of sorts.

Unless you've been there, seen it, heard it, smelled it, done it, you simply can't understand. I've had many people over the years in the field tell me they get it, they understand, then they have THAT call. The person that returns isn't the same, and you can see very clearly that they get it now, and wish they hadn't. I vividly remember the call from my best friend when he started after a long pause with "I now know what horrific really means"

People often say Law Enforcement, Fire Service, EMS is one of the most highly stressful occupations out there. Part of it is the zero to full adrenaline to zero in a short period of time and constantly being in situations that has everyone else (some say with any sense) running away. The balance is this, and what it does to you day after day.

After two decades separated from this, and having helped many guys through critical incidents and longer term issues I thought I had more or less worked myself through it. Today was a bad day, a really bad day. A day like I haven't had in a LONG time. After reading the posts and some emails I received, I took the advice that have given so many times, and I called and will give a more mature system another try.

I was taught a little poem:
Take no guff...
Cut no slack...
Hook em and book em...
And don't look back.

And that's the trouble. You never stop looking back.

ffemt44, I'm glad you got set up with someone.
It may or may not be the "right" someone for right now, if it isn't try another.

3 decades of being a FF medic in the 5th largest city in the US has left some scars on me....and in me.
I can only relay my experiences as far as the really shit calls go. They diminish over time.
Now that's just *me* and I am still friends with and play golf, shoot, etc. with a few other fire guys that I can talk to about anything and everything with no judgements...and they can talk to me.

I don't have call dreams anymore since retiring (which I did when I was still working) but sometimes those BAD call feelings get stirred up by an emotional event like a family member dying or some other trigger that isn't that dramatic. It happens.

You're not alone, you're not abnormal and you're going to get through this.
It may not be a fast or easy road but it's worth the ride.

All the best brother.

quote:

There is a saying about PTSD, typically around emergency services. "I wish my mind could forget what my eyes have seen."

Indeed. I was 6 years old at the time (1946) when I saw a woman stabbed to death on South Main street in Wilkes-Barre,Pa. Saw her gasping for breath as she lie dying between two parked cars. Saw the man who stabbed her being held by two men; they caught him a short distance away.

I was with my Grandmother. Found out much later the killer was a WWII vet who was walking down the street looking for some to stab. He might have walked by us.

I've tried to forget that scene.

i have a friend who has PTSD, it is real as day light...it's a lot to handle and his wife is really going through hard, sometimes he scream at night and wake up the neighbors.

I saw a lot of death and destruction in my 30+ year career as a military medic, in peace and war, and before that in a city hospital. You don't need to be a Veteran as some noted, and it affects everyone very differently. The most important steps are to find support - friends, support group, counselors - and to know you're not unique or alone. You can cope - you made it through; focus on today, friends, family, the sun on your face. Life will continue. I still wake up sometimes smelling the jet fuel in the Pentagon, and my dead friends under the rubble below my feet going to work at oh-dark-thirty for months after. And scenes I'd very much like to delete from my mental database. But the day dawns, and life goes on. My ghosts are laid; make sure you face yours with whatever help you need, and Godspeed.

My t-shirt: