Post ‘em if you got ‘em. This is one of my favorites:

The Great Pub Debate

"As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow , there's a wee place called McTavish's.... The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."

"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London , the Red Lion, the barman will buy
you your third drink after you buy the first two."

"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said Paddy Sheehan, the Irishman. "Back home in me favorite pub in Galway , the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you get laid, all on the house!"

The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims.
"Did this actually happen to you?"

"Not me-self, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times.

Shared

A Brit, a Scott, and an Irishman walk into a bar. They all sit down and order their ales of choice. While they are talking, a fly dives into each of their ales.

Disgusted, the Brit says, "Bartender a new ale please" and continues drinking his new ale.

The Scott looks at the fly in his ale, lifts it out, and continues drinking.

When the Irishman notices his fly he pulls the fly out of the ale, shakes it and yells, "Spit it out, damn ye, spit it out!"

****************

An Irishman walks out of a bar...

Hey, it could happen!

Why are Irish jokes always so simple? So we don't have to explain them to the English.

What's the difference between an Irish wake, and an Irish wedding?

One less drunk.

An Irish woman of advanced age, visited her physician to ask his help in
reviving her husband's libido. "What about trying Viagra?" asks the doctor.
"Not a chance", she said. "He won't even take an aspirin".

"Not a problem," replied the doctor. "Drop it into his coffee. He won't
even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how
things went."

It wasn't a week later that she called the doctor, who directly inquired
as to the progress. The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and
begorrah! Twas horrid. Just terrible, doctor!"

"Really, What happened?" asked the doctor.

"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect
was almost immediate. He jumped hisself straight up, with a twinkle in his
eye, and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his
arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to
tatters and took me then and there, making wild, mad, passionate love to
me on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute
nightmare!"

"Why so terrible?" asked the doctor, "Do you mean the sex your husband
provided was not good"?

"Oh, no, no, no, doctor, the sex was fine indeed! 'Twas the best sex
I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin' here,

I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again."

While reading an article last night about fathers and sons, memories came flooding back to the time I took me son out for his first pint. Off we went to our local pub only two blocks from the cottage.

I got him a Guinness. He didn't like it, so I drank it.

Then I got him a Kilkenny's, he didn't like that either, so I drank it. Finally, I thought he might like some Harp Lager? He didn't. I drank it.

I thought maybe he'd like whisky better than beer so we tried a Jameson's; nope! 

In desperation, I had him try that rare Redbreast, Ireland's finest whisky. He wouldn't even smell it.

What could I do but drink it!

By the time I realized he just didn't like to drink, I was so ****-faced I could hardly push his stroller back home!!!

quote:

Originally posted by PeteF:
While reading an article last night about fathers and sons, memories came flooding back to the time I took me son out for his first pint. Off we went to our local pub only two blocks from the cottage.

I got him a Guinness. He didn't like it, so I drank it.

Then I got him a Kilkenny's, he didn't like that either, so I drank it. Finally, I thought he might like some Harp Lager? He didn't. I drank it.

I thought maybe he'd like whisky better than beer so we tried a Jameson's; nope! 

In desperation, I had him try that rare Redbreast, Ireland's finest whisky. He wouldn't even smell it.

What could I do but drink it!

By the time I realized he just didn't like to drink, I was so ****-faced I could hardly push his stroller back home!!!

Stolen

An Irish priest is driving along a country road when a police man pulls him over. He immediately smells alcohol on the priest's breath and notices an empty wine bottle in the car.

He says: "Have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest.

The cop replies: "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says: "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out golfing and gets up to
the 16th hole. He tees up and cranks one. Unfortunately, it
goes into the woods on the side of the fairway.

He goes looking for his ball and comes across this little guy
with this huge lump on his head and the golfball lying right beside him.

Goodness," says the golfer, and proceeds to revive the poor little guy.
Upon awakening, the little guy says, "Well, you caught me fair and
square; I am a leprechaun. I will grant you three wishes."

The man says, "I can't take anything from you, I'm just glad I didn't
hurt you too badly," and walks away.

Watching the golfer depart , the leprechaun thinks, "Well, he was a nice
enough guy and he did catch me so I have to do something for him. I'll
give him the three things that I would want -- unlimited money, a great
golf game and a great sex life."

A year passes and the same golfer is out golfing on the same course at
the 16th hole. He gets up and hits one into the same woods, goes looking
for his ball and comes across the same leprechaun. He asks the leprechaun
how he is and the leprechaun replies:
"I'm fine, and might I ask how your golf game is?"

The golfer says "It's great! I hit under par every time."
The leprechaun says, "I did that for you. And how is your money holding out?"
The golfer says, "Well, now that you mention it, every time I put my
hand in my pocket, I pull out a hundred dollar bill."
The leprechaun smiles and says, "I did that for you too.

And how is your sex life?"
The golfer looks at him shyly and says, "Well, maybe once or twice aweek."
The leprechaun is floored and stammers, "Once or twice a week?!"
The golfer, a little embarrassed, looks at him and says, "Well, that's
not too bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."

quote:

Originally posted by Rev. A. J. Forsyth:
What's the difference between an Irish wake, and an Irish wedding?

One less drunk.

Ahh-HaHaHaHaHahAHaHa

There’s some good ones here. I DID laugh out loud at this one.

An Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a crowded pub. "Drinks for everyone in the house on me!", the Scotsman shouts.

The next morning's newspaper has the headline, "Irish Ventriloquist Found Murdered".

A sobbing Ms Murphy approaches Father O’Grady after mass.

He says: “So what’s bothering you?”

She replies: “Oh, Father, I’ve terrible news. My husband passed away last night.”

The priest says: “Oh, Mary, that’s terrible. Did he have any last requests?”

"Certainly father," she replied. “He said: “Please Mary, put down that damn gun.”

Billy stops Paddy in Dublin and asks for the quickest way to Cork.

Paddy says: "Are you on foot or in the car?"

Billy replies: "In the car."

"Well that's the quickest way," says Paddy.

Two Irishmen were working in the public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in.

After a while, one amazed onlooker said: "Why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"

The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the lad who plants the trees called in sick."

three Irishmen walk out of a bar...

Paddy and Sean are planning to go out on a Saturday night, but only have 50 cents between them.

Paddy has an idea, he takes the 50 cents of Sean, goes to a butchers and buys a sausage.

Sean is really pissed off at first that Paddy spent their last money on a sausage, but Paddy lets him in on his plan.

"We are going into the next pub, order two pints, drink them and when it comes to paying you go down on your knees, unzip my trousers, pull the sausage out and start sucking on it"

So, they go into the first pub and do exactly as Paddy suggested. The barmaid is disgusted by the sight and kicks the two out.

Paddy says: "see it works, we didn't pay did we?"

As Paddy's plan seems to be working they carry on doing it...

In the 12th pub, both are quite drunk by now, Sean isn't looking to good. They have just finished their pints...

Sean: "I can't do this anymore Paddy my bloody knees are hurting as fuck...!"

Paddy: "No worries...I lost that bloody sausage in the third pub!"

Two elderly Irish drinking buddies, O’Shea and O’Donnell, are sitting at the pub musing on the end of life.

O’Donnell remarks, “Ye know, O’Shea, we’ve had great sport together for many years. It just came to moind that should it be I who happens to go first, it’d mean a great deal to me if ye’d say a few koind words at me grave.”

“That I’ll do, O’Donnell, that I’ll do,” O’Shea replied. “But should it be I who happens to go first, I’d be forever grateful if ye’d pour a bottle of foine Irish whiskey o’er me grave for old times sake.”

“That I’ll do, O’Shea,” said O’Donnell. “That I’ll do… but would ye mind it too very much if it should happen to pass through me kidneys first?”

Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland."

The other guy responds proudly, "Yes, that I am!"

The first guy says, "So am I! And where abouts from Ireland might you be?"

The other guy answers, "I'm from Dublin, I am."

The first guy responds, "Sure and begora, and so am I! And what street did you live on in Dublin?"

The other guy says, "A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town."

The first guy says, "Faith & it's a small world, so did I! And to what school would you have been going?"

The other guy answers, "Well now, I went to St. Mary's of course."

The first guy gets really excited, and says, "And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?"

The other guy answers, "Well, now, I graduated in 1964."

The first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self."

About this time, another guy walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer. The bartender walks over shaking his head & mutters, "It's going to be a long night tonight."

The guy asks, "Why do you say that?"

"The Murphy twins are drunk again."

Two Irishmen, Johnny and Shawn, were digging a ditch directly across from a brothel in Dublin.

They saw a rabbi walk up to the front door, glance around and duck inside.

"Ah, will you look at that?" Johnny said. "What's our world comin' to when men of th' cloth are visitin' such places?"

A short time later, a Protestant minister walked up to the door and quietly slipped inside.

"Do you believe that?" Shawn said. "Why, 'tis no wonder th' young people today are so confused, what with the example clergymen set for them."

After an hour went by, the two watched as a Catholic priest quickly entered the whore house.

"Ah, what a pity," said Johnny, leaning on his shovel. "One of th' poor lasses must be terribly ill."