Got me but your question reminded me of this quote- Mark Twain once said “The more I learn about people, the more I like my dog.”

I guess the question I would ask the OP is why is it so important to befriend this person for over a quarter century when clearly this person has no desire for his friendship? What do you want to gain by it?

By the observations he makes of that person while I cannot name it I can describe it as "the ex-manager syndrome". I've seen it before, the person that used to be in a position of power or authority, no longer is and cannot "get over it" for whatever reason.

Only thing I can say to the OP. Why waste your time and efforts?

Could be any number of reasons. Some people are hard to figure out. But if he's that unimportant in your life, just go on to something else.
Life's too short.

Just wait until you spend some time around the academia snobs, if you haven’t encountered them before in your life.
They can easily be identified because one of the first things they ask is where you went to university, (and of course then they will condescendingly inform you that of course they went to Harrrrrverd, or similar Ivy League). Next questions will be establishing your credentials, with general disapproving sniffs if you do not reach their level or approval.
Identifying quote: “I’m not a snob. Ask anybody. Well, anybody who matters.”

I've crossed paths with people like that in the past. I don't have trouble making friends so when I do I just walk away. No point in trying to figure them out and life's too short to waste time on them.

Jim

People are coming up with all manner of unfavorable reasons for this guy's behavior, but maybe it's simply because he doesn't believe you have enough in common to form a basis for friendship? Or it might be he doesn't even recognize you're trying to do so?

I (probably) have a form of ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder) commonly known as Asperger's Syndrome. As such: 1. I don't make friends easily. 2. I am nearly oblivious to body language. 3. I have just about zero "small talk" ability.

These three things, taken together, are often interpreted by others as coldness, at best, or arrogance.

I know a guy that acts much the same way, albeit he is younger. He had a difficult childhood, his sperm donor took off, his mother raised him and the family was less than kind. I am not making excuses for the guy, I chose not to associate since he is an asshole most of the time.

I have learned there are people that will never be friends or close acquaintances. It's OK, makes me value those that are friends.

quote:

Originally posted by wrightd:
Anyway I don't see this type of behavior very often.

I know a LOT of people like this, folks I have known for decades. It is kind of an unsaid thing, we just stay acquaintances, and not become "friends". We are friendly and courteous, but we just don't have a real social relationship. I see nothing abnormal about this, because maybe I'M NOT interested in a close friendship with them either.

quote:

Originally posted by bdylan:
It's possible the guy just doesn't like you.

Also this. I like to think I'm a reasonably nice, easy going guy socially, but I know there are people I have met that don't like me. It is called Life.

As BOATTRASH1 said he's a narcissist asshole. You are better off without him in your life as much as possible. Life's too short.

quote:

Originally posted by tatortodd:
My 2nd job as a high schooler was bussing tables at a fancy Italian restuarant owned by 2 Culinary Institute of America trained chefs. It was the most expensive restaurant in town.

One of the life lessons I took from there was people who aren't rich but want you to think they're rich are generally assholes. It was the people in debt up to their eyeballs (lease the image car, the big house, several fancy vacations a year etc) trying to appear rich who got their kicks treating a people "beneath them" (e.g. bussers) like shit.

On the other hand, we had one customer that if you didn't know who he was you'd think was an ordinary retired guy. He was filthy rich (e.g. owned his own Indy race team that actually won more than once at Indy), and was equally nice to a busser as he was the owner.

This is the truth. In my industry, most of the yacht owners you deal with are extremely wealthy. The ones that are extremely wealthy are down to earth people and if you ran into them at the grocery store or a restaurant you wouldn't even know. They wear a polo shirt and shorts around and are super polite and nice. The ones that can barely afford what they have and have an expensive car, house, small yacht where everything is financed to the hilt, they tend to treat people like A holes. But they also try to associate with the wealthier people because they think somehow they'll score a business deal out of it, or free something or other (vacation on their big yacht etc.)

OP-As for the guy you semi-associate with, let him be. Why would you want to be friends with someone like that anyways.

I would be superficially polite but curt to the guy in the club setting since the decorum probably dictates this is a good practice. I would make no further efforts to engage him. I would not pick up any of his litter or trash at the club or make any efforts to carry the guys water. When I go to my club, I am there to shoot not to socialize.

They guy is a dick. Probably an elitist or social ladder climber type as previously mentioned and does not seem to have any especially rewarding personality traits. Why waste the bandwidth on him?

Growing up my family was solid middle class. My father was a printer, not an owner of a business. My father was also a talented carpenter, and through the years we moved a couple of times. This was because my father would remodel homes we lived in, sell at a profit, and then move "up." As a result, when I was a teenager we lived in a nice , but not outrageously expensive home with doctors , lawyers and others with more "social status" as neighbors. They went on expensive vacations, had more expensive cars, etc. Make no mistake, I never felt deprived at all. In any event, some of these neighbors were very friendly and my families "lower social status" was never an issue to them. In fact, my father picked up some carpentry side jobs from some of them. However, for others, it was obvious that our social standing was an issue. It was obvious from the invitations to birthday parties for my younger sister and other subtle cues that we picked up on.

So I say, if he isn't interested in a friendship, his loss. My father was a good man who repeatedly taught me that anybody who makes an honest living and treats others well, from the trash collector to the neurosurgeon, is worthy of respect

You sound like a good guy.

But he consistently hob nobs with those that are more skilled, more successful, and with people who know, work, or associate with other people that are higher up the ladder in life so to speak. From what I can tell he ignores, and purposely avoids people that aren't in his line of sight, even though doing so wouldn't appear to hurt him as a person or his vision of success in any way.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
OK what do you do in life that makes you feel less skilled, less successful etc.? I think that is part of the problem. I have always respected what others do in life unless they are criminals or basic low lifes. The maids at the hotel for example are often quite interesting people. In my line of work I work with folks from the very low end of the ladder to those at the top. I learn from both.

"Let all Men know thee, but no man know thee thoroughly: Men freely ford that see the shallows."

Benjamin Franklin

Maybe he is just guarding his "shallow water" areas.

quote:

Originally posted by tatortodd:

One of the life lessons I took from there was people who aren't rich but want you to think they're rich are generally assholes. It was the people in debt up to their eyeballs (lease the image car, the big house, several fancy vacations a year etc) trying to appear rich who got their kicks treating a people "beneath them" (e.g. bussers) like shit.

This.

One of my good friends owns his own business, and while he doesn’t have a flashy lifestyle, I’m pretty certain he’s very wealthy. But, he treats everyone with kindness and consideration - a very classy guy.

You’ve made the effort this fellow and you’ve been rebuffed. He sounds like a jerk, so he’s actually doing you a favor. You can move on with no regrets.

He likes it his way. just leave him alone. There's no figuring it out.

Your question—questions, really—piqued my interest because I recognized myself to a limited degree in your description of the man, so some comments.

You mentioned three things that I identified as separate traits that aren’t necessarily present in a single personality type, and I will treat them separately.

What I identified with is his not ever responding to your friendship overtures. You didn’t specify what you have done to establish a friendship, but even without that information there are reasons why people don’t become friendly with others.

Part of my reason is my introversion; “It’s not you, it’s me.” I’m just not interested in establishing relationships with a lot of people whose friendship will be superficial at best, and then trying to maintain those friendships with all the expected rituals. Although many people like to put others in characterization boxes and would therefore assume that my reluctance to associate with people I don’t really care about very much was due to “snobbishness,” my supposed feelings of superiority have nothing to do with it. I tend to be generally standoffish with both people whom I respect and admire as well as those I don’t.

Second is “It’s not me, it’s you.” More specifically, there are many reasons why I choose to not become more friendly with individuals who may make overtures or whom other people would establish friendships with such as fellow members of a club. There is a tendency here when someone complains about other people for members to assume that it’s always the fault of the person being complained about, but many of us forget that it could be the poster’s fault.

When I first started drafting this response my list of the types of people that I won’t become friends with or whose friendships I will ultimately drop became very long, so I’ll just say there are some whom I simply don’t want to spend time associating with. They include people who whine about everything in life and the similar types whose only pleasure seems to be injecting poison into every activity or discussion by finding something to criticize. I also won’t put up with those who insist on imposing their beliefs—from religion to politics—on me. I may be able to remain respectful of someone with passionate beliefs that differ from mine, but only as long as they don’t aggressively force me to listen to their stupidity and ignorance. I hate confrontations and if my only choices are to avoid someone or to shred his arguments, I will choose avoidance. That is the reason for many of my non-responses on this forum.

Then there is the issue of the man’s “wasting” his time by trying to cultivate friendships and associations with people who will no longer be able to help him become richer or more successful in life. That comment reveals that you don’t seem to understand what motivates some people and therefore why you and he may not have much in common. My friendships are not based on what someone can do for me, but for reasons such as shared interests, intellectual compatibility, and similar values and beliefs. My three best friends are a retired lieutenant colonel whose Army experiences were far different from mine, a pipefitter, and a scientist with a PhD in radiation biology who has been unemployed for decades. We’re friends because we enjoy each other’s company, not because of what we can do for each other.

The third issue you raise is the man’s failure to pull his weight in club(?) activities. That, too, is a separate trait that isn’t necessarily part of a single personality type. There can be several reasons for that trait as well from being ignorant (and oblivious) of what is expected of members to a feeling of entitlement and superiority, but it’s not always the latter. Has anyone ever confronted him about his failure to do his part? I have long supported my local gun club with generous financial contributions, but only recently have I become part of the small work crews doing the physical labor necessary to build a new range. I felt that the one was enough until it became clear to me that the fences weren’t going to get installed by themselves or even through the labor of a couple of men.

I don’t mean for any of this to be criticism of you. Your raising the question demonstrates your good intentions. But I do believe that you may be assuming things that aren’t true.
This post also served as a way to sort out some of my own thoughts on such subjects.

I my experience, people like that have deep feelings of inferiority. Often they are social climbers, thinking moving in that direction will make them happy.

I used to own a yacht repair business, and many of my customers were very wealthy. Generally, those with the most money treated others most equally. Those with something to prove were similar to your aquaintenace. Initially this surprised me but matches with the description you provided.

quote:

Originally posted by paul45:

quote:

Originally posted by bdylan:
It's possible the guy just doesn't like you.

My thought as well.

The dude just doesn't like the OP.

Does the OP think everyone should like him?

Nope, nada, no, I'm good. I just wanted to understand it. I'm technical by nature, not just in my field, I like to understand human and social behavior pathologies (probably the wrong word). I remember when I spent some time as a manager in IT, one of the employees out of about 40 I managed, hated my guts, but I never knew why. She would glare at me in meetings etc., it was very strange, particularly for technical people, who handle bad things differently with less theatre. I never treated anyone poorly, her nor anyone else. It was weird and to this day I haven't a clue. In this case the guy doesn't hate me or anything like that, but after considering what everyone has said, if I were to guess which "bucket" he falls in, other things being equal or whatever, he may just be plain ole jerk, or maybe a little worse, like the guy who would push his way into a lifeboat against captains orders before all the women and children were loaded up. I don't think he's a narcissist, I worked with one those backstabbers in a business setting, very intelligent and manipulative, but this guy is neither of those. Being the way I am, I guess I just want to be able to explain things, which is why I never understood the criminal mind, or to a lesser degree, born jerks. I just can't compute it.

Well, have you asked him?