I have a question about a peculiar personality type I don't understand. There is an otherwise normal guy I've known for 25+ years that I associate with indirectly on a more or less regular basis. He's a regular guy, retired, etc., getting along like everyone else. BUT, I've tried to befriend him on and off the whole time, but never got any bites so to speak, and not needing his friendship or anything like that, but in my own mind, more of a "since we associate regularly, we might as well not be strangers on purpose" for lack of a better analogy. Anyway I have always been met with rejection, sometimes not so subtle, but always silent, sometimes semi-polite, sometimes not so polite. But he consistently hob nobs with those that are more skilled, more successful, and with people who know, work, or associate with other people that are higher up the ladder in life so to speak. From what I can tell he ignores, and purposely avoids people that aren't in his line of sight, even though doing so wouldn't appear to hurt him as a person or his vision of success in any way.

My question is, why would someone in their late 60's/early 70's worry about such business ? My own logic tells me, "if I haven't achieved the success or lot in life that I thought should have acchieved by my age, why the hell am I still trying to do so ?" It seems I would be asking myself that question, and answering it, long before that point. There are other undesirable traits, for example, he doesn't pull his weight in terms of contributing work to the club, cleaning up his stuff afterwards, letting others do it and ignoring what is obviously his mess etc.

Anyway I don't see this type of behavior very often, but I don't recall seing this type of behavior in gentlemen of his vintage. I remember going though soemwhat of a mid-life crisis or two about a decade apart, but I figured out and accepted my own limits and became very satified with them at which point life got easier at least in that area. When one recognizes his own limits, be it natural abilities, the IQ one was born with, the professional/social strata you were reaised in, your own luck with good genes and health, understanding and accepting how much work you decide (or not) to put in to achieve a more or less predictable level of success etc., life seems to get easier once you accept and work with your own personal deck of cards.

So my question is, why would someone his age still be wasting what time and energy he has left messing with such things ? Have you ever known anyone like that and can you explain it to me ? Idk if it makes any difference, but he was an only child. Nothing wrong with that as you can't control things like that, but I heard someone once complain about him indicating some type of cause/affect that being any only child caused him to be like that. I don't know one way or the other.

How can this be explained ? I don't understand it.

Being quick and glib, and drinking beer, and likely more wrong than right... poverty consciousness and a feeling of inadaquecy.

quote:

Originally posted by mr kablammo:
Being quick and glib, and drinking beer, and likely more wrong than right... poverty consciousness and a feeling of inadaquecy.

None of that. He and his wife are retired professionals. There is no poverty or alcoholism involved.

He's just an elitist, or an elite wannabe. If he doesn't want to be friends, don't let it bother you -- just leave him be.

flashguy

He's a snob, which is a lifetime pursuit. His behavior at the club sounds like he's just a jerk.

Has nothing to do with being an only child, says an only child.

My 2nd job as a high schooler was bussing tables at a fancy Italian restuarant owned by 2 Culinary Institute of America trained chefs. It was the most expensive restaurant in town.

One of the life lessons I took from there was people who aren't rich but want you to think they're rich are generally assholes. It was the people in debt up to their eyeballs (lease the image car, the big house, several fancy vacations a year etc) trying to appear rich who got their kicks treating a people "beneath them" (e.g. bussers) like shit.

On the other hand, we had one customer that if you didn't know who he was you'd think was an ordinary retired guy. He was filthy rich (e.g. owned his own Indy race team that actually won more than once at Indy), and was equally nice to a busser as he was the owner.

He's a snob and likely spent most of his life trying to make in roads with those he saw as better. Hard to change after 40-50 years. Move on with your life, it's better without him.

This is someone you say you only "associate with indirectly", although on a regular basis. If someone doesn't want to be associated with you directly, on a more friendly basis, whatever their reasons are, leave them be. Why even waste your mental energy on trivial things?

Reminds me of Costanza.

In my experience there are two possibilities, I have seen these attitude a few times.

One, the person was brought up with a serious attitude of entitlement. If you are not of their "class" you are just not relevant to them. They have no reason to be your friend.

Two, the other is a social climber, again it is their perception. If you are not part of the "class" they wish to enter you don't count.

I know a few people like this.
None are very happy people.

It has nothing to do with where they actually are in life, it is a lifetime attitude, and it is not likely to ever change.

Maybe he just has no interest in being "befriended" by you. I wonder what his response would be to all of this?

Start treating him with the utter contempt he shows you. In simpler terms, fuck em.

Narcissist.

Narcissistic personality disorder involves a pattern of self-centered, arrogant thinking and behavior, a lack of empathy and consideration for other people, and an excessive need for admiration. Others often describe people with NPD as cocky, manipulative, selfish, patronizing, and demanding.
https://www.helpguide.org/arti...onality-disorder.htm

Any chance this might be based on a religious preference? I have a couple of acquaintances who seem to prefer being friends with only people who belong to their particular church and seem to not want to be friends with others even though everyone involved would be considered a Christian. Another friend of mine explained that wives of these people were worried that they would be "contaminated".

I gotta agree with Gnostics. Fuck em.

Some people just aren't interested in making new friends. The people he currently associates with, regardless of the perceptions about their social status, may simply be people he has known for a long time. On the other hand, he could simply be an asshole. Either way, I'd be done going out of my way to be friendly.

quote:

Originally posted by flashguy:
He's just an elitist, or an elite wannabe. If he doesn't want to be friends, don't let it bother you -- just leave him be.
flashguy

Bingo

quote:

Originally posted by berto:
He's a snob and likely spent most of his life trying to make in roads with those he saw as better. Hard to change after 40-50 years. Move on with your life, it's better without him.

I agree with this assessment.

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I agree that he’s a narcissist, or maybe just an asshole. Life is short. Don’t waste time with people like that. YOUR life will be better for it.
As far as his behavior at whatever club, somebody needs to have the stones to call him out on it. He shouldn’t be allowed to use people.

It's possible the guy just doesn't like you.

quote:

Originally posted by bdylan:
It's possible the guy just doesn't like you.

My thought as well.

The dude just doesn't like the OP.

Does the OP think everyone should like him?