My sister is 46 years old. She was depressive as a teenager and into her 20's. In short, she takes after our father. In her early 30's she had a severe manic episode. My mother and I had her committed to the hospital. She came down off of that episode, got on medication, saw therapists and lived a fairly normal life.

About a year ago she quit her medication and declared she was not sick. Then she totally pulled back from our family. Quit coming to family functions. Pulled back on contact with others, etc.

She texted me out of the blue this past week, she wanted to come down to see me, my wife and our two children, who are 15 and 11. When the day came she sent me a long message letting me know that she was apprehensive about the visit. She wanted to make sure the kids knew it wasn't them, that she loved them dearly, etc. She asked me to pass along her message.

That evening at dinner I let the kids know about her message and then we had a discussion about mental illness. I then texted my sister and let her know the kids understood and that we had a good discussion about mental health. And I specifically worded it "mental health", not illness.

She texted back, "Here's the thing though... I am not mentally ill. And I will not pretend to be in order to be accepted by this family."

I texted back, "We accept you however you are."

I know from discussions with my father back in the day that he did not like the way the medication made him feel. But he also knew that taking the medication was better than the alternative. So I do understand that side of the coin.

I see my sister becoming someone I do not know. While she is holding down a job, she is now estranged from her husband and every other family member she has. My gut tells me that with her attitude there is nothing I can do. She is WAY too touchy about the subject to even entertain a conversation about her changes. She isn't a threat to herself or others, so our family cannot force her to do anything. It seems to me my option is just to pray that everything turns out alright.

I have been pondering posting this for over 24 hours. I do not really expect a solution. Mainly just wanted to vent. But if anyone has been though this and had positive results, I would love to hear it.

I am sorry you are dealing with this. Based on my limited experience in dealing with someone that has metal illness they must recognize it themselves and want help. I often heard that they did not like how the medication made them feel but it allowed them to function, so it was better than the alternative.

Continue to pray for your sister’s healing, as will I.

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It seems to me my option is just to pray that everything turns out alright.

That is pretty much all you can do. Whether mental illness or addiction, the key thing to remember is that the person must want help. This is especially bad because, IMO, mental health medications, with their laundry lists of side effects, trade one problem for another.

Yes, pray. Nothing else you can do about the situation, unless she's looking for help, or is suicidal or homicidal.

With your kids & all I wouldn’t worry if she didn’t come. I have two sisters, especially the one, never does well with more than a few family in attendance.

You can’t ‘save’ everyone, even if they are family. I’d be nice to her, but if she stays at arm’s length, not all that bad.

My younger sister has some idea in her head I kept a security deposit on an apartment that was due her. What really happened is that I took over the rental payments, to help her, then let it go when I didn’t have a need.

This saved her over 6 months of rent on a lease, then I opted out at 3 months to go. It wasn’t worth the 3 months payment to get less than one back as a security deposit.

I’ve helped her more than anyone else in the family, we’re on ‘radio silence’ now.

Not saying guys can’t have issues, but Wimmins can be fickle.

She's angry about how she's perceived by her family. If I were you, that's what I would talk to her about. Framing it in such a way as to help her see how it's difficult for everyone- not just her- is the target. Finessing it so as to not make things worse will require patience beyond patience.

Normally, I refrain from commenting in threads like this and my advice may be the worst thing you could do, but that's what I think would help in getting things back on track- for her, and for her relationship to her family.

The phrase I've heard lately is "better living through chemistry still requires better living". The last couple years have been mentally challenging for everyone. That is surely some common ground. Having the privilege to actually have family to go through all this should be a blessing. Oh, the other phrase, "get fit or die" seems appropriate these days.

Our son was diagnosed as bipolar with ADHD when he was young. We had him through counseling and meds and he learned to handle himself without the meds. He joined the Army and they deemed he was not bipolar. He asked for counseling and had sessions while there. Because of this, he was bullied and had roles taken from him. His squad leader told him he was a failure and there was no room for him in his division. Our son took his life on Saturday. I know how some of you feel about suicide and I have refrained from posting anything about this. I am so broken right now. My heart aches. A part of me feels as though I failed as a father to him. I wish this pain on no one.

Please talk to your sister as a normal human being. Let her know that she can talk to you anytime and visit whenever. To me, she sounds just as my son. Inside she is hurting and too proud or scared to say anything but inside is hurting beyond what she knows to handle. Just talk to her. You may not take the pain away from inside her, but spend as much time as possible with her. Our son was full of joy on the outside but inside was hurting beyond what he let us know.

She needs some center ground that she can depend on. My two cents is that you said it quite nicely when you said you love her however she is. I would only add that there should be loving boundaries regarding her mood swings around the family. One resource I just checked, called them guidelines. bipolar folks have a hard time setting these boundaries themselves, and she may find it comforting if you provide them in the context of your family.

By the way, take heed, the dangerous part of the bipolar cycle is not during a depressive phase it is during a manic one when people are impulsive.

Edited To add that I just read the post above and wanted to say that I am so very sorry for your loss. I can’t imagine the pain you must be going through and I don’t pretend to know what to say. But I do pray for you and for your family of the loss of your son.

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Originally posted by petr:
Our son was diagnosed as bipolar with ADHD when he was young. We had him through counseling and meds and he learned to handle himself without the meds. He joined the Army and they deemed he was not bipolar. He asked for counseling and had sessions while there. Because of this, he was bullied and had roles taken from him. His squad leader told him he was a failure and there was no room for him in his division. Our son took his life on Saturday. I know how some of you feel about suicide and I have refrained from posting anything about this. I am so broken right now. My heart aches. A part of me feels as though I failed as a father to him. I wish this pain on no one.

Please talk to your sister as a normal human being. Let her know that she can talk to you anytime and visit whenever. To me, she sounds just as my son. Inside she is hurting and too proud or scared to say anything but inside is hurting beyond what she knows to handle. Just talk to her. You may not take the pain away from inside her, but spend as much time as possible with her. Our son was full of joy on the outside but inside was hurting beyond what he let us know.

I’m sorry for your loss.

I rarely talk to my little bro because he suffers from mental health issues along with all his other problems. I don’t sugar coat things with him when we do talk. He’s figured out where I am and knows I don’t/won’t play his game.

Be thankful she is not Schizophrenic. Get her in with a competent psychologist if she is willing. Bipolar Disorder is very treatable with the right meds and psychotherapy. Ted Turner had Bipolar Disorder as did Catherine Zeta Jones.
As you may know they often have comorbid addictions such as gambling, sex and alcohol and drug addiction.
Be kind to her and try to move her in the right direction. You should educate yourself about Bipolar Disorder as well.

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By the way, take heed, the dangerous part of the bipolar cycle is not during a depressive phase it is during a manic one when people are impulsive.

^^^^^^^^
Not true. Suicide happens in the Depressive phase.

Sorry you're going through this. My first wife was diagnosed bi-polar and psychotic. Became violent and dangerous. It was a blessing when she left.

Your sister is beyond your help. There's nothing you can do for her. If she won't accept professional help, try to keep her out of your life. Be wary should her condition take a violent turn. None of this is your fault. You're a bystander at a train wreck.

I like Para's answer.

If you know for a fact how she does not want to be treated.
Avoid that interaction with her.

People know when you are interacting with them as if they are damaged or incapable.

She's living by a completely different set of boundaries.

Forget the mental illness for a second.

What specific behaviors does she have that are unwelcome around you and your family?

Focus on those. Set boundaries. The fact that she may or may not have a mental illness doesn't really matter, specific harmful behaviors do and can't be tolerated. You'll always love her and it doesn't really matter why she does X behavior, but she's not welcome to do X behavior around your family.

^^^That seems like a reasonable plan.

Perhaps you can focus on the emotional aspect. Whether she thinks she is mentally compromised or not, she can acknowledge she has an emotional reaction to the situation without the offense of being considered to be mentally ill. Maybe address that. "Hey sis, I may have misspoken. I meant to address the emotion you described. Can we discuss that?" And leave the ball in her court.

I imagine if everyone around me thought I was mentally ill and I disagreed, I'd be defensive too. I'd probably withdraw too. I'd eventually contact a member of my family too. And if mental health became a topic or spoken in passing, I'd withdraw again. It might be time for an olive branch and diplomacy. I'd never mention the word mental to her again.

petr, I am so sorry for your loss. There are many among us who have lost children who can empathize with you. We all feel it when one of us loses a loved one.

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I imagine if everyone around me thought I was mentally ill and I disagreed, I'd be defensive too. I'd probably withdraw too. I'd eventually contact a member of my family too. And if mental health became a topic or spoken in passing, I'd withdraw again. It might be time for an olive branch and diplomacy. I'd never mention the word mental to her again.

Pretty much my take, she may be just worn out of the focus on the mental health issue and being reminded of it constantly. Might be that was part of the issue with her spouse as well.

Perhaps if you can get her there, a summer back yard lunch, kids playing, just a nice neutral afternoon, something short enough that she has a good time but nothing about the mental/emotional issues should be brought up.

petr, I'm sorry for your loss of your son...

Nothing you can do. A good friend, who is like my little brother from another mother, is depressive and bipolar. I’ve dealt with it for almost 30 years. There is nothing you can do. They have to help themselves, seek therapy, medication, etc. They either do the right thing or they don’t.

Hello holdem,

I am so sorry to hear that your sister is inflicted with mental health issues.

To petr and everyone else in the same or similar situation, my heart goes out to you and your families for how the mental health of your loved ones has so significantly impacted your lives. I cannot begin imagine.

Unfortunately I cannot offer any ideas around treatments or therapies or ‘game plans’ for a short, medium or long-range medical or treatment solutions.

That said, if this were my sister or other immediate family member I think that I would consider or attempt to get together with them sooner rather than later.

Sooner because her condition may worsen and another opportunity to get together may not be for a while or if ever again.

Also, by getting together it may give you comfort that you are ‘doing something’ to try to bring yourselves together as a family as it were.

If you do not at least try you may wind up carrying a regret or guilt for a long time.

If she does come down for a visit is it feasible for her to stay at a hotel nearby?

This would give everyone some space and breathing room, with less pressure to have to entertain each other 24/7 or come up with topics of pleasant and acceptable conversation.

Also, if things should deteriorate you would not have to ask her to leave your house.

Maybe plan some outings or a picnic at a nearby park, or take everyone to an amusement park to spend the day, etc.

She says she loves the kids so an opportunity for her to connect a little bit with them would be nice.

Another matter of concern, for me at least if in the same boat, would be to know if my family member was prone to sudden outbursts of violence. If so, all of the above would be a hard no-go.

Ugh, such a difficult situation.

I wish you and your family all of my best.

Regards,

Rob