SIGforum.com    Main Page  Hop To Forum Categories  The Lounge    New Topic - Bad Puns and Groaners
Page 1 2 3 
Go
New
Find
Notify
Tools
Reply
  
New Topic - Bad Puns and Groaners Login/Join 
Drug Dealer
Picture of Jim Shugart
posted Hide Post
A Japanese guy was spending a couple of weeks in NYC on business. Every couple of days he'd go into a local bank to exchange some for his yen for dollars. One day he got back less than before and he asked the teller about it.

The teller shrugged, "Fluctuations".

"Oh yeah?", said the customer, "Well fluct you New Yorkers, too."



When a thing is funny, search it carefully for a hidden truth. - George Bernard Shaw
 
Posts: 15529 | Location: Virginia | Registered: July 03, 2007Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Muzzle flash
aficionado
Picture of flashguy
posted Hide Post
The Reverend Henry Ward Beecher
Called a hen an elegant creature.
The hen, pleased with that
Laid an egg in his hat
And thus did the hen reward Beecher.




Texan by choice, not accident of birth
 
Posts: 27911 | Location: Dallas, TX | Registered: May 08, 2006Reply With QuoteReport This Post
The Unknown
Stuntman
Picture of bionic218
posted Hide Post
My dog once ate two short pieces of rope. And when she pooped them out, they were tied tightly together . . .

I shit you knot.
 
Posts: 10833 | Location: missouri | Registered: October 18, 2009Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Make America Great Again
Picture of bronicabill
posted Hide Post
quote:
Originally posted by bionic218:
My dog once ate two short pieces of rope. And when she pooped them out, they were tied tightly together . . .

I shit you knot.

Bwaa haa haa haa... that right there is too funny!!!


_____________________________
Bill R.
North Alabama
 
Posts: 4848 | Location: Madison, AL | Registered: December 06, 2009Reply With QuoteReport This Post
His diet consists of black
coffee, and sarcasm.
Picture of egregore
posted Hide Post
The Charles Dickens martini has an olive or twist.
 
Posts: 29037 | Location: Johnson City, TN | Registered: April 28, 2012Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Just Hanging Around
posted Hide Post
What do you get when you toss a hand grenade into a French kitchen?

Linoleum Blownapart.
 
Posts: 3291 | Location: NE Kansas | Registered: February 24, 2007Reply With QuoteReport This Post
His diet consists of black
coffee, and sarcasm.
Picture of egregore
posted Hide Post
Why do the Swedish, Norwegian and Danish navies have bar codes on their ships? So when the ships come into port, they can Scandinavian.
 
Posts: 29037 | Location: Johnson City, TN | Registered: April 28, 2012Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Unapologetic Old
School Curmudgeon
Picture of Lord Vaalic
posted Hide Post
quote:
Originally posted by sigmonkey:
A man goes to the zoo.

The only animal exhibit was a dog that is no longer there.

Shitzu not.



I went to a zoo recently and all they had was one dog exhibit.

It was a shitzu.




Don't weep for the stupid, or you will be crying all day
 
Posts: 10781 | Location: TN | Registered: December 18, 2005Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Unapologetic Old
School Curmudgeon
Picture of Lord Vaalic
posted Hide Post
What do you call an alligator in a vest?

An investigator

An alligator at a law firm?

Litigator

An alligator causing trouble?

Instigator

An alligator watering plants?

Irrigator




Don't weep for the stupid, or you will be crying all day
 
Posts: 10781 | Location: TN | Registered: December 18, 2005Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Free men do not ask
permission to bear arms
Picture of George43
posted Hide Post
I invented a new cocktail.

Vodka, Orange Juice and Milk of Magnesia.

I call it a Phillips Screwdriver.


A gun in the hand is worth more than ten policemen on the phone.
The American Revolution was carried out by a group of gun toting religious zealots.
 
Posts: 3810 | Location: Spring, Texas | Registered: June 26, 2012Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Drill Here, Drill Now
Picture of tatortodd
posted Hide Post
I was addicted to the hokey pokey...


...but I turned myself around



Ego is the anesthesia that deadens the pain of stupidity

DISCLAIMER: These are the author's own personal views and do not represent the views of the author's employer.
 
Posts: 23940 | Location: Northern Suburbs of Houston | Registered: November 14, 2005Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Still finding my way
Picture of Ryanp225
posted Hide Post
What's long, brown, and sticky?
.
.
.
.
.
.
a stick
 
Posts: 10851 | Registered: January 04, 2009Reply With QuoteReport This Post
The Unmanned Writer
Picture of LS1 GTO
posted Hide Post
quote:
Originally posted by tatortodd:
I was addicted to the hokey pokey...


...but I turned myself around


Well, that is what it's all about.






Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.



"If dogs don't go to Heaven, I want to go where they go" Will Rogers

The definition of the words we used, carry a meaning of their own...



 
Posts: 14254 | Location: It was Lat: 33.xxxx Lon: 44.xxxx now it's CA :( | Registered: March 22, 2008Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Big Stack
posted Hide Post
The problem with a thread on groaners is that a groaner is at it's best when it's unexpected
 
Posts: 21240 | Registered: November 05, 2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Political Cynic
Picture of nhtagmember
posted Hide Post
Big Grin



[B] Against ALL enemies, foreign and DOMESTIC


 
Posts: 54052 | Location: Tucson Arizona | Registered: January 16, 2002Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Get my pies
outta the oven!

Picture of PASig
posted Hide Post
Q: Why are there only 239 beans in Irish bean soup?

A (Irish accent): Because one more and it would be too farty.

Cool


 
Posts: 35139 | Location: Pennsylvania | Registered: November 12, 2007Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Member
posted Hide Post
My favorite from Groucho Marx:

Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend; inside of a dog, it is too dark to read.


Pragmatism: the relentless pursuit of seeing things as they really are.
 
Posts: 183 | Registered: September 21, 2009Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Eating elephants
one bite at a time
Picture of ffips
posted Hide Post
What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down on the side of the road?

It gets toad.
 
Posts: 3587 | Location: in the southwest Atlanta metro area | Registered: September 10, 2006Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Member
posted Hide Post
An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other. He says to the waiter, "Me want coffee." The waiter says, "Sure chief, coming right up."

He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee. The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of animal to splatter everywhere, then just walks out.

The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand pulling another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, "Me want coffee."

The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto! We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What the hell was all that about?"

The Indian smiles and proudly says, "Me training for upper management position: Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day."


------------------------------
"They who would give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety, deserve neither liberty nor safety."
- Benjamin Franklin

"So this is how liberty dies; with thunderous applause."
- Senator Amidala (Star Wars III: Revenge of the Sith)
 
Posts: 1494 | Location: Southwest Ohio | Registered: October 07, 2011Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Member
posted Hide Post
This one may get it locked.

A man is out fishing on a lake when he sees a guy pull up to a cabin in truck with a bass boat behind it. Then he notices the most beautiful woman he has ever seen get out of the passenger seat and go into the cabin. The guy takes gets out and unpacks the truck. After taking their stuff into the cabin he comes out and puts the boat in the water and proceeds to spend the entire day on the lake fishing. The next day, he is out on the lake before the sun comes up, and he again stays out until after sunset. The following day he is out bright and early again. The man can’t help but wonder about the woman left alone in the cabin all day, so he take his boat over to talk to the guy.

He says, “Excuse me, I know it’s not my business, but I noticed you brought this extremely gorgeous woman up here, and I can’t believe you are out here on the lake instead of in there getting busy with her.“
The man replies, “Well, you see, she has gonorrhea.”

The first guy shakes his head in disbelief, then he has a thought. “What about anal sex?”
The man replies, “Well, she also has diarrhea.”

The first guy persists, “Well, couldn’t she at least give you oral sex?”
The man replies, “No; she also has pyorrhea.”

At this, the first guy is completely flabbergasted. “Then why the hell did you bring her up here if she has all of these problems?” he shouts.
“Well…” the man replies, “I need bait to fish, and she also has worms.”


------------------------------
"They who would give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety, deserve neither liberty nor safety."
- Benjamin Franklin

"So this is how liberty dies; with thunderous applause."
- Senator Amidala (Star Wars III: Revenge of the Sith)
 
Posts: 1494 | Location: Southwest Ohio | Registered: October 07, 2011Reply With QuoteReport This Post
  Powered by Social Strata Page 1 2 3  
 

SIGforum.com    Main Page  Hop To Forum Categories  The Lounge    New Topic - Bad Puns and Groaners

© SIGforum 2024