A Japanese guy was spending a couple of weeks in NYC on business. Every couple of days he'd go into a local bank to exchange some for his yen for dollars. One day he got back less than before and he asked the teller about it.

The teller shrugged, "Fluctuations".

"Oh yeah?", said the customer, "Well fluct you New Yorkers, too."

The Reverend Henry Ward Beecher
Called a hen an elegant creature.
The hen, pleased with that
Laid an egg in his hat
And thus did the hen reward Beecher.

My dog once ate two short pieces of rope. And when she pooped them out, they were tied tightly together . . .

I shit you knot.

quote:

Originally posted by bionic218:
My dog once ate two short pieces of rope. And when she pooped them out, they were tied tightly together . . .

I shit you knot.

Bwaa haa haa haa... that right there is too funny!!!

The Charles Dickens martini has an olive or twist.

What do you get when you toss a hand grenade into a French kitchen?

Linoleum Blownapart.

Why do the Swedish, Norwegian and Danish navies have bar codes on their ships? So when the ships come into port, they can Scandinavian.

quote:

Originally posted by sigmonkey:
A man goes to the zoo.

The only animal exhibit was a dog that is no longer there.

Shitzu not.

I went to a zoo recently and all they had was one dog exhibit.

It was a shitzu.

What do you call an alligator in a vest?

An investigator

An alligator at a law firm?

Litigator

An alligator causing trouble?

Instigator

An alligator watering plants?

Irrigator

I invented a new cocktail.

Vodka, Orange Juice and Milk of Magnesia.

I call it a Phillips Screwdriver.

I was addicted to the hokey pokey...


...but I turned myself around

What's long, brown, and sticky?
.
.
.
.
.
.
a stick

quote:

Originally posted by tatortodd:
I was addicted to the hokey pokey...


...but I turned myself around

Well, that is what it's all about.

The problem with a thread on groaners is that a groaner is at it's best when it's unexpected

Q: Why are there only 239 beans in Irish bean soup?

A (Irish accent): Because one more and it would be too farty.

My favorite from Groucho Marx:

Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend; inside of a dog, it is too dark to read.

What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down on the side of the road?

It gets toad.

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other. He says to the waiter, "Me want coffee." The waiter says, "Sure chief, coming right up."

He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee. The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of animal to splatter everywhere, then just walks out.

The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand pulling another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, "Me want coffee."

The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto! We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What the hell was all that about?"

The Indian smiles and proudly says, "Me training for upper management position: Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day."

This one may get it locked.

A man is out fishing on a lake when he sees a guy pull up to a cabin in truck with a bass boat behind it. Then he notices the most beautiful woman he has ever seen get out of the passenger seat and go into the cabin. The guy takes gets out and unpacks the truck. After taking their stuff into the cabin he comes out and puts the boat in the water and proceeds to spend the entire day on the lake fishing. The next day, he is out on the lake before the sun comes up, and he again stays out until after sunset. The following day he is out bright and early again. The man can’t help but wonder about the woman left alone in the cabin all day, so he take his boat over to talk to the guy.

He says, “Excuse me, I know it’s not my business, but I noticed you brought this extremely gorgeous woman up here, and I can’t believe you are out here on the lake instead of in there getting busy with her.“
The man replies, “Well, you see, she has gonorrhea.”

The first guy shakes his head in disbelief, then he has a thought. “What about anal sex?”
The man replies, “Well, she also has diarrhea.”

The first guy persists, “Well, couldn’t she at least give you oral sex?”
The man replies, “No; she also has pyorrhea.”

At this, the first guy is completely flabbergasted. “Then why the hell did you bring her up here if she has all of these problems?” he shouts.
“Well…” the man replies, “I need bait to fish, and she also has worms.”