OK, lets hear 'em

Remember you can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish

I thought the fog was trying to kill me this morning, but luckily, it mist.

What's Brown and rhymes with Snoop,



Dre

A frog walked into a bank looking to secure a loan. The banker, Patty Black, asked the frog what he could offer as collateral. The frog handed her a small wooden spool that his grandfather had give him just before he died. Patty was unsure if that would be acceptable as collateral, so she asked he manager if the spool would do as collateral. The manager looked at the spool, sized up the frog, thought for a moment and then proclaimed

"Its a nick nak Patty Black, give the frog a loan"

Speaking of gardening, you can lead a horticulture, but you can't make her think.

The early bird gets the worm, but the 2nd mouse gets the cheese.

A duck walks into a drug store:

"I want some condoms" the duck says.

"Here is our best variety" the cashier replied.

"I'll take this one... Damn! I don't have my wallet on me."

Thats okay. You have an account here. I can put it on your bill."

"I'm not that kind of duck!"

You can prick your finger, but you shouldn't finger your prick.

you can pick your friends,
you can pick your nose,
but you can't pick your friend's nose.
- George Carlin.

In honor of Jim Allen...

"Auto-correct is my worst enema!"

Why don't midgets ever pick up restaurant checks? Because they're always a little short.

Don't sweat the petty stuff and don't pet the sweaty stuff.

A truck was hauling cages of chickens when a strap broke and the cages started falling off the back and breaking open in the road. By the time the driver figured out what was happening, it was too late to recoop his losses.

A panda walks into a bar carrying a briefcase. He sits at the counter and orders a sandwich. After finishing the sandwich, he opens the briefcase, pulls out a gun, and starts shooting up the place. Once the gun was empty, he starts walking out.

The bartender yelled at him, "What did you do that for?!"

Without turning around, the panda says, "Look it up," and walks out the door.

The bartender picked up a dictionary, and found...

"Panda: Eats shoots and leaves."

A man goes to the zoo.

The only animal exhibit was a dog that is no longer there.

Shitzu not.

A guy walks into a bar, sits down, and orders three shots of whiskey. The bartender put three shots of whiskey in front of him. He drinks each shot, pays the bill, and leaves.

This continues every week for several weeks. Finally, the bartender asked him why he orders three shots. He said that he has two brothers that he's very close to, but they live far away, overseas. By having three shots, it's like he's having a drink with them. The bartender smiled at the story.

After repeating his routine for several months, the patron returned, but only ordered two shots of whiskey. Out of shock and concern, the bartender said, "Oh, no! did something happen to one of your brothers...?!"

The patron replied, "Oh, no, nothing like that. I just decided to quit drinking."

These jokes must be made of paper, because they're tear-able.

I walked into a bar last night.


My head still hurts.

A man was in a pet store and saw an interesting bird. As he was buying it, the clerk told him it was a Foo Bird. He also said if the bird ever pooped on him, to never wash it off. Once home, the bird promptly pooped on its new owner, who immediately scrubbed it off. The owner then had a heart attack and died.
Moral:
If the Foo shits, wear it!