I've been estranged from both spouse and now adult child for a decade. Very little contact with them, mostly my going to date-based celebrations (e.g., birthdays, Christmas).

For at least five years, I've not been invited to these events, I have been expected to magically appear without being told basic information like date, time, and place.

This came to a head in October when my child was married. No one, and I mean no one bothered to tell me what was happening and when, save for the actual ceremony, where I received the same written invitation as the other guests. My spouse, for example, failed to tell me the rehearsal and associated dinner were on Thursday (I assumed Friday for a Saturday wedding). The day before, she told me it was Thursday. I had to give up hotel reservations, then find a new hotel on less than 24 hours’ notice, which as you might expect cost more per day for a crappier place. Then nothing save the ceremony occurred at the times I was told at the dinner. One event I showed up for was cancelled without telling me!

I made clear to her my frustration as to not being given even a basic invitation to an event I helped pay for. She dismissed it airily with “We aren’t good at communicating.”

Thanksgiving was a repeat, though it came with an inquiry "Are you coming?" (i.e., a demand for an RSVP to an invitation I never received because it was never sent). I choked my frustration and went.

Christmas comes along, no invitation besides a general "Are you coming to Christmas?" as I left Thanksgiving evening.

This time I get texts from both spouse and child doing the same goddamned thing - demanding my RSVP to an invite I never received. These were the first communications from either since Thanksgiving dinner.

So I didn't reply and I didn't go. I was too pissed off.

Christmas Day my spouse calls and wants "proof of life" (no shit, the term she used). I didn't call until noon on Tuesday. I informed her I was alive. When she demanded to why I didn't attend, I explained in no uncertain terms that I was sick of their passive aggressive behavior, I am even more sick of being deliberately excluded from their lives, and that absent an invitation that specifies basic information (i.e., event, date, time, place, if I can bring a guest, if I am expected to bring something, and whether an RSVP is needed), I was not coming and not responding. Holy shit did she get mad.

I called the child and had the same conversation in the same angry tone. My child sounded badly hurt by my expectation that I be treated at least as well as her friends.

So, why am I pitching a bitch?

Because the situation sucks. I am pissed at them and the way they’ve treated me for a decade. I'm more pissed at myself for tolerating it in the forlorn hope that the situation would change.

Now, I expect my demand for a modicum of respect cost me my relationship with my child (I’ve finally reached the point with my spouse that I no longer care).

If so, I will eventually adapt or die (I am almost 65) before coming a point of neutrality about this experience.

Now I am down to a pair of cats as the only living things to which I have any attachment.

Merry motherfucking Christmas and a Shitty New Year to me!

I sincerely hope that things get better for you in the coming year. Best wishes for you.

It's not too late to establish new relationships. Get out and meet people. You're in a age bracket where there are many available widows and divorcees. If you do establish a relationship, they'll likely have relatives you'll interact with. Becoming a hermit won't help.

If you don't want to be treated like a doormat, get up off the ground. Sounds like ex-wife for starters.

Admittedly, all I know is the info you provided. You have allowed yourself to be treated this way. While you may have expected a change in circumstances, you may have to re-evaluate.
Wife's relationship with her son only changed once she stopped letting him manipulate her. If they can manipulate you, they do not respect you.

Best wishes

Well that sucks and yep it's passive aggressive bullshit, they know exactly what they are doing,

My daughters husband was previously married, has a son, and his ex is exactly like that, never tells them when baseball games are, or practice, signs him up in an out of town league and won't change visit dates when the games fall on the weekend he's to have him.

Anyway just shared so you know you're not alone in dealing with problematic people/relatives.

Hope the New Year starts right for you!

Probably doesn't matter but the way I interpret what is written, you didn't do anything to cost any relationship, including with your child. Sounds like they disbanded it while you were putting in best efforts to maintain it.

Regardless, I'm sorry to hear that the relationships are not going as you would like. But perhaps you've reached a stage of acceptance from hence can move on with your life unencumbered and knowing you did your best.

You are good people. It's their loss much more than yours.

I was going to say something like, "maybe it's you" but if I was helping to pay the bills, I better get advanced notice. "We're not just good at communicating" Yeah, right. I'd be pissed too.

I'm going to pay you the courtesy of not offering pity, because it's not what you need right now, as cold as that may sound, and I'm not going to address broken relationships because all I have is a thumbnail sketch. What I am going to do is offer you a bit of perspective, and some advice.

These days, 65 is not old, not really. Unless I'm missing something, you've recently dropped a bunch of weight. You're exercising, riding a motorcycle.

You seem to have a quick mind. You have a quirky sense of humor, which some people, but not all, will find endearing.

Humans are high-order social primates. We are not meant to be solitary. Loneliness is a horrible, corrosive thing.

You are free. You are in a position to change your situation, if you have the genuine desire to do so.

It's easy for me to sit here and type this out. I know that it's not easy to make new friends, and my social circle is microscopic these days, so I'm one to talk, but I've got an angel of a woman here with me, so I am not motivated to become a social butterfly.

It's not easy to make friends but it's fairly easy to make acquaintances, and out of acquaintances can come real friends, and amongst real friends, you just might find a new love. She damn sure isn't going to crash through your roof and plop down in your lap.

Right now, there are women out there feeling pretty much the same as you. Take your motorcycle riding narrow ass out there and look around.

Joseph Campbell said "Find a place where there is joy, and the joy will burn out the pain."

Get up, get out there, and find someone.

I getcha. I was not informed of my Fathers death by my estranged family and did not learn it happened until months later when I received a copy of the probated will. And when my Brother died, I learned of it from a belated FaceBook post.
Lots of unpleasant thoughts about these events, but in the end, I just chalked it up the toxic personalities involved.

the bitterness toward the estranged wife i understand, go the extra mile to make it work with your child!!

If y’all are only interacting family members for the holidays they may well believe you don’t want to be there. They throw a bone with invites as you leave one holiday and you don’t hear from each other again? It just sounds like you keep them at arms length but expect them to do more than that. Maybe keep in touch more often, ramp it up over time to feel out the situation. As you know, by how you feel, being dissed by family can cut deep. The feeling goes both ways.

Ten years of being treated this way is enough. Cut the ties, don't look back, IMO.

I went through a similar situation almost 40 years ago and cut all ties with my large family, and to this day it's painful, but less so than trying to stick it out with them would have been.

Every couple years I see who's still alive, Legacy.com is my usual method, then I google myself and see what show up. The month before last, I found an obit in which I was listed as a relative, but I never heard of the stiff. I guess he was the second husband of one of my sisters.

There are more of us than you would believe who share this situation, we just tend to keep it to ourselves.

Communication is a 2 way street. If you feel you did you're part trying to stay in touch then you are justified in feeling the way that you do. If you sat on your ass and waited for them to do everything, then they probably feel justified in how they treat you. The truth probably lies somewhere in between. If you can't sit down with them and talk it out like family then probably too much time has passed. It's up to you on whether it's worth the effort.

I cut all ties with my estranged family the instant the divorce was final.

My stepson that I raised for 13 years wanted nothing to do with me no sooner than I was forced to move out.

I spoke to him once 13 years later after I went to his uncle's funeral and he told me his mother had lied about me and he figured out it was all her, but meeting me again was just "too weird".

I haven't spoken to him since. His loss, not mine.

Life is much simpler. I only worry about those who worry about me.

OP, you tolerated the situation longer than I would have. There was very little “relationship” to lose with them, unfortunately.

“I only worry about those who worry about me.”

^^^Marzy nailed it.

Dave, we live close by. How about coming over some evening. I can show you the guns I want to sell since you accept on consignment and we can share some war stories. We can also take a trip to the range, Karen might join us. I have plenty of ammo. Shoot me an email.

Well if you have been estranged from your wife for a decade I am not really even sure you have a relationship to end. I say that because you can't end what you don't have. You already did the hard part by leaving 10 years ago. It is time to enjoy that part of the "divorce". Nearly every man I have ever known who got divorced was miserable for a year or two. And then they weren't. You have done your time, enjoy your freedom and all that entails.

My suggestion is to engage your kid solo. Don't involve the ex-wife at all. To have a relationship with your kid has nothing to do with your ex-wife and I suspect things will improve if you cut that negative element out of your life and your situation with your kid might improve.

If you want female companionship, it is out there.

“I only worry about those who worry about me.”


It took me a couple of decades to learn this. And Mars nailed it in one sentence.

Feel for you brother,been giving and selling everything so those woke sons and granddaughters will have only a empty house to fight over.
X's need a better hobby than to keep going after,
four decades

Estranged wife (still married but living apart)? Or ex-wife (divorced)?

Divorced - Rip that Ban-Aid off once and for all and never look back.

Estranged - You're still legally bound. So, it's much tougher. Estranged for "a decade"? That's strange to me.