quote:

Estranged - You're still legally bound. So, it's much tougher. Estranged for "a decade"? That's strange to me.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
More common than you would imagine. People have all kinds of relationships in marriages. Certainly not an arrangement I would like.

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Originally posted by ZSMICHAEL:

quote:

Estranged for "a decade"? That's strange to me.

More common than you would imagine. People have all kinds of relationships in marriages. Certainly not an arrangement I would like.

A guy who once worked for me was estranged from two wives while married to a third one.

A wedding you helped pay for? BS. Unless things were absolutely horrid, why wouldn’t she have you (dad) give her away?

That’s no way to treat family, even family that chose to go their own ways. I typically get an invite for holiday gatherings from a relative that I decline (because I’m typically not in town), but I always thank them for thinking of me and for the invite itself. It’s nice to feel welcome; she feels good inviting me, and I feel good that she thought of me, even though we both know it’s a safe bet I won’t be there. It’s basic etiquette, but it’s definitely slipping in the world at large.
Perfect example, I have other rellys in the same family that never say a word and I miss their events. I’ve learned to ignore and walk away from them and that. No need for it in my life.

Sounds as though you’ve established expectations with your daughter. She should be able to do likewise with you. A pact of sorts. Perhaps follow it up with a text that says “here’s a great number to contact me if you need to let me know about anything”.

I think I’d be done with the wife for pretending this is nothing, when it’s clearly something to you. But you do need to be crystal clear in your hopes and expectations in order to move forward (again, it sounds as though you have) and accept that you may not be invited to everything.

Communication does work both ways. As others mentioned, sounds as though offerings were made, maybe they hoped you would follow through with “send me a time, place, and what I can bring to the event”..

Btw, I hope you really considered Para’s perspective post. I think he heard you more clearly than any of us.

Nice guy syndrome. Good read below. As said above, don't be a doormat.

https://www.amazon.com/No-More...+%2Caps%2C162&sr=8-1

quote:

Originally posted by 12131:
Estranged wife (still married but living apart)? Or ex-wife (divorced)?

Divorced - Rip that Ban-Aid off once and for all and never look back.

Estranged - You're still legally bound. So, it's much tougher. Estranged for "a decade"? That's strange to me.

It isn't hard to understand if you actually take your marriage vows to be an oath unto death, as I do, because that is exactly what I swore to do.

Since I haven't had God directly tell me otherwise, I can be released from my vow to her only by her, via her filing for and being granted divorce or even by her return of the wedding ring I placed on her finger. She hasn't done either.

I know, its strange to have this position given today's views and what's transpired, but I take my vow seriously.

The same is true for my child. Even today, whatever I have is hers if need be, including my life. That is what I vowed to myself when I made the very informed decision to bring a child into this world. I made the same vow to myself when I delivered her (the OB/GYN knew I was a paramedic and let me step in at the last minute).

What else can I say? There are lots of ways I am very old-fashioned.

I don't envy your position but I would suggest that if you ignore your ex-wife as she's a lost cause, I'd try to focus on rebuilding a relationship with your child.

You're the father, but maybe its not too late to be a dad.

As someone that's starting to settle the estate with my wife for her recently deceased brother, If not divorced get that way and update your will. My wife's brother left two boys, 28 and 31, an estranged wife (separated for the past 10 years but not divorced) and his wife person will get most of his estate in front of the children. Beyond that if there's no hope of reconciling there's no reason to open yourself up to more hurt.

I'm sorry to hear about your situation. It sounds complicated and there's no simple solution. The only suggestion I have to offer is to develop friendships. You can't pick your family but you can pick your friends. 65 (any age really) is too young to live the rest of your life in solitude.

It is admiral to keep you vow. I hope you seek competent counselling.

Biblically keeping one’s vows means more than just not getting divorced.

After ten years and at this point, how do love, honor, cherish, respect, etc. factor into you and your wife’s marriage?

For your daughter. Clearly, you aren’t going to be getting any engraved invitations. You have zero control over how you will be invited to anything by your wife or daughter. You do have control over how you respond.

For example:
“Are you coming for Christmas?”

“Sure thing. When and where? What will the attire be? Can I bring dessert, green bean casserole, mashed potatoes, or something?”

You also have control over invitations you give out. “Hey, let’s have Christmas at my house this year!”

What trapper said. Are you really keeping your oath when you ignore every single thing element in the vow except "til death do us part?"

You are divorced in every way but the legalistic way, and you still sound sad after 10 years. Just finish it off and move on, you do have a right to be happy.

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Originally posted by Sig2340:

It isn't hard to understand if you actually take your marriage vows to be an oath unto death, as I do, because that is exactly what I swore to do.

Since I haven't had God directly tell me otherwise, I can be released from my vow to her only by her, via her filing for and being granted divorce or even by her return of the wedding ring I placed on her finger. She hasn't done either.

Sounds like she won't be doing anything to terminate this on her end because she's USING you. And you are letting her. I don't know if you are just trying to punish yourself or what. You are trying to follow a very specific letter of the rule instead of the spirit of the rule. You really think god is going to call you up and be like, "Duuuuude...". I highly doubt your situation is what god had in mind with this whole system. I'm not a believer, so I'm trying to come at it from that standpoint.

Sounds like you're hell bent on being stuck in this one-way abusive relationship. No matter how you frame it, you are being psychologically abused. I wish you all the luck in the world, my friend.

Good luck to you. This kind of situation is always tuff.

quote:

Originally posted by pedropcola:
What trapper said. Are you really keeping your oath when you ignore every single thing element in the vow except "til death do us part?"

You are divorced in every way but the legalistic way, and you still sound sad after 10 years. Just finish it off and move on, you do have a right to be happy.

It sounds like by staying it was actually worse for the kids and because of bad behavior by both parents the kid was getting bad examples of family. Just a terrible position to be in for sure.

Move on, my friend.

I am happily married with my first wife. Been at it for 10 years.
Before that i had two boys with someone and that person eventually turned my sons against me.
My kids and their mother live in my apartment from where she kicked me almost 20 years ago. Guess who’s paying the bills?

We are all adults now. No comms, complete silence and a bill now and then.

About to turn 65 in less than a week.

I understand what you are going through but you have the option of NOT thinking about it anymore and do better for yourself. They are, no doubt.

There’s plenty to do and enjoy that is more productive for your life. Don’t let this be YOUR loss.

0-0

I don't even play a therapist on the internet, but know that they can help in communication issues. Wishing you good luck going forward.

quote:

Originally posted by dkjbama:
Nice guy syndrome. Good read below. As said above, don't be a doormat.

https://www.amazon.com/No-More...+%2Caps%2C162&sr=8-1

I agree and understand the feeling of duty to not give up.
But at a certain point you do have to live for yourself.
The above book is a wonderful start along with "Free Agent Lifestyle" and "Practical Stoicism".
Both helped me to rebuid the my life and become happier than I've ever been.
Good luck brother!

quote:

Originally posted by Ryanp225:
[QUOTE]Originally posted by dkjbama:

The above book is a wonderful start along with "Free Agent Lifestyle" and "Practical Stoicism".
Both helped me to rebuid the my life and become happier than I've ever been.
Good luck brother!

There are multiple authors with titles of "Practical Stoicism". Please specify author.

This is the version I was referring to.
link