Sometimes, I just need to slow down, breathe and get a bit of perspective.

Confucius, Plato, Churchill, Musashi and others are part of our rich heritage.

And in his own wright ...



“Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.”

“If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.”

“When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.”

“I wish, when I was first born, the first thing I said was "Quote" so the last thing I said before I died would be "Unquote.”

"If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand."

My doctor told me I shouldn't work out until I'm in better shape. I told him, 'All right; don't send me a bill until I pay you.'

I tried snorting coke once, but the ice cubes got in the way.

I was traveling to Canada and when I got to the border they asked if I had any firearms. I said “What do you need?”

"What's another word for Thesauraus?"

"I once bought some dehydrated water. I didn't know what to add."

"I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five."

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.”

“If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?”

“I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.”

“Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don't have film.”

“I intend to live forever. So far, so good.”

“I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”

<--- See my CUT...

"Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time."

"...on the other hand you have different fingers..."

"It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature."

"Hermits have no peer pressure."

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours." He said, "Yes, but not in a row."

I've never seen electricity, so I don't pay for it. I write right on the bill, "I'm sorry, I haven't seen it all month."

One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't you see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read."

Way back in college at VA Tech, late 80s or early 90s, my soon to be ex-fiancé and I were walking across campus to see him live. We walked along one seldom-used side of the building and he pops out a side door and asks if I had a light. I did not as neither of us smoked. Missed opportunity to chat with a comedy legend.

I have a road map of the United States. It's actual size.

"I have the largest sea shell collection in the world. I keep it on all the beaches..."

"If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?"

I like to stick my head out the window and pose for Satellite shots...

"That guy that wrote the alphabet song... he wrote everything."

I bought some second hand paint, it came in the shape of a house.

'If you are in a car travelling at the speed of light, will the headlights work?'

I think someone stole his stuff once and replaced it with an exact replica.

I hooked my tv up to my microwave. Now I can watch 60 Minutes in 60 seconds.