My MIL used to have mild dimentia that would come and go in little spurts, but has since progressed to the point she can no longer be left alone to herself or take care of herself or her personal business. I'm supporting my wife as much as possible, and she started her with a neurologist last week, but it will be a couple months before we can get a formal diagnosis and treatement plan etc., since she has an MRI brain scan and bloodwork to do etc. So in the meantime, can you guys give ME any advice about how to support my wife, and possiby, my MIL ? It's no longer just short term memory loss, but increasingly bizzare random behavior and disruption, crying and anger, though none of us are alarmed since we know this is a brain disease, though it has taken me personally a little time getting used to it. Being a problem solver by nature, I'm learning to stay out of things, as the few things I experimented with to try to help my MIL have failed. I should have known, but problem solvers like me are stupid like that. Anyway she is 89, still driving (I'm anticipating that will need to be stopped soon, my wife has her keys thank god, no more phone calls about being parked but don't know where she is etc.) She won't take her existing prescriptions, she thinks people are messing with her, poisoning her, burlgarizing her apartment etc. Anyway I could use some advice since this my the first time having to deal with this disease personally, like millons of families and medical people deal with it around the world every day.

Any advice would be very much appreciated.

My mother had it. She died in February in a nursing home and I'm glad she didn't have to go through this virus mess. Mom had it for about the last 10 or 12 years and it go progressively worst. The only thing you can do is just have patience with her. Mom could tell you anything that happened 50 years ago but would ask you a question over and over. No short time memory. If she tells something and its wrong let it go. DO NOT CORRECT!!! In their mind they are correct and how dare you tell them different. Anyway the best advice I can give is enjoy the good days and wade through the bad. Its not gonna get better. Best of luck to you and your family.

Introduce yourself every time you visit .
Hello Gloria I am Ralph your son in law, Margaret's husband.

That will start things out on the right foot , they are more comfortable ,right off the bat.

Get everything financial out of the way a.s.a.p. , like now!

Get her doctor to take her driver's license away, don't you mention it,
They get very! Suspicious .
( Paranoid)

If you want to talk I will send you my phone number.

The longer you wait to get her in to assisted living, the more it will year your heart out, they get more and more emotional.

Take the battery out of her car.

I delat with this with my father. The woman needs to be in a nursing facility, not assisted living.

quote:

Originally posted by JD DRIVER:
My mother had it. She died in February in a nursing home and I'm glad she didn't have to go through this virus mess. Mom had it for about the last 10 or 12 years and it go progressively worst. The only thing you can do is just have patience with her. Mom could tell you anything that happened 50 years ago but would ask you a question over and over. No short time memory. If she tells something and its wrong let it go. DO NOT CORRECT!!! In their mind they are correct and how dare you tell them different. Anyway the best advice I can give is enjoy the good days and wade through the bad. Its not gonna get better. Best of luck to you and your family.

I'm going through this exact same thing with my mom right now. Great advice.

Wish I didn't know as much as I do. The 1st of 2 things, if your wife is the daley care giver she has to take care of herself, if she's not running at 100% your MIL level of care will suffer.
2 Routine is your best friend. Get up,eat,meds,bath, get dressed, watch TV, take a walk etc. Same time/same order every day. Routine is your best friend.

After they pull her DL don't forget take her back to the DMV and get a "State" (picture) ID card. It will come in handy. Good Luck.

The driving needs to stop NOW.
You also need to start looking for a memory care facility NOW! They tend to have waiting lists and with COVID may not even be accepting new folks for awhile so she needs to be on a list ASAP.

Prayer is your biggest ally. You are always fighting a loosing battle that will never get better or even easier.

Any assistance that you can get get it.
Does she have any VA benefits? My grandfather is still at home with my Grandmother and my mother has moved in with them and they are exhausted always from taking care of him.
They have in home help nearly every day for him thanks to the VA.

You and your family are in my prayers.

quote:

Originally posted by MikeinNC:
Take the battery out of her car.

They already get paranoid, frustrated and confused.

Doing that will make her even more so,
Very bad idea , i.m.o.

They are not stupid, just confused
No hiding the keys either.

^^bendable, I get it, but having been a cop, I’d rather her call 911 to report a stolen battery than her drive into and kill a family. I’ve seen it-family couldn’t understand that mom shouldn’t be driving and they took her license but left the keys and car at her home.

Or drive off and there’s no way to find her because she drove two states over and can’t remember who she is.

Take the battery out of the car or take the car away completely.

“A couple of months” sounds like a dangerously long time period for someone who is a danger to herself.
Why so long? Blood tests and MRI should be done within a week. Then either a neurologist or psychiatrist should be looking at what medications might be helpful, particularly with the paranoia.

I agree with MikeinNC regarding preventing driving. Yes, it might bother her paranoia, but she won’t remember it.

Has power of attorney (POA) been done already for both Heath Care and Finances? (It's actually two separate POAs.) If not, it may be too late to get it done (she has to be able to agree to it and have some semblance of informed consent). The neurologist will be able to tell you if this is still the case. If not, contact a lawyer and obtain guardianship (more complicated and expensive but needs to be done). These things must be in place for you/your spouse to legally make various decisions/plans for her, which she is already (or will soon be) no longer able to do for herself.

Not sure where you are at but to get my mom to stop driving we took her to the driving evaluation at rehab place. They evaluate both physically and mentally for driving along with a BTw test.

First one mom failed with flying colors. Complained that the car, instructor all were against her.

So paid for another place and have to say was consistent. The BTW part said I would love to sell you lessons but it will not help.

So now when she starts complaining I say remember what Mr lee said ...

Get power of attorney for legal and the separate healthcare along with the living will together.
Our attorney suggested to make the POAs active now and not have to wait for a doctor or court approval. This way can jump in ASAP

Get it noted on medical records so someone can attend doc visits. Also the fun compassionate situations with the front people. You can’t be here or got with her. She has dementia I HAVE to go with her. But the doctor is allowing visitors. Argh. Once we get to the doc we are good to go

Hoping there are others to tag in and help. This needs to be a team sport.

Lastly is the hardest. To keep telling yourself it is the disease and not their intend. It is hard to do and you will get pissed off. Just breathe. And yes this is an attempt at humor but helps me. She will not remember the situation that got you aggravated so you need to too

Prayers for your family

Someone here has a wife who works with dementia patients, and her advice was heartbreakingly dead on: meet them where they are in their mind that day and go along for the ride.

RE: driving, there's the likelihood of her injuring herself and/or getting very lost. And, IANAL, but there may also be liability risks for you and your wife, if the MIL hurts someone driving and it comes out you let her drive when you know she wasn't capable.

It may be that you could finesse this at her next medical visit by mentioning to the doctor that "She's still driving, is that OK?" In CA, at least when I was there and had a fair few MDs in our social circle, they were supposed to yank driving credentials of people who were unfit to drive. It happened for eyesight, as well as dementia. The docs tended not to want to do that lightly (understandably) but there were liability issues if they knew and didn't pull the license, if the demented/visually impaired driver then damaged property or injured people.

Anyway, if that's true in your state, maybe the doctor would end up being the 'bad guy who took my license' so getting her off the road doesn't damage any family relationships.

Sadly, as her faculties slide, there are going to be a lot of things that just have to be done in her best interest that may upset her (and you.)

Best wishes for keeping positive attitudes managing through this.

Go buy this book for you and your wife. Both you need to read it ASAP and follow it.

The End of Alzheimer's Program: The First Protocol to Enhance Cognition and Reverse Decline at Any Age

by Dale Bredsen.

What you can do right away. Put her on a no carb, no sugar diet. None, Zero, Zip.

quote:

Originally posted by SOTAR:
Go buy this book for you and your wife. Both you need to read it ASAP and follow it.

The End of Alzheimer's Program: The First Protocol to Enhance Cognition and Reverse Decline at Any Age

by Dale Bredsen.

What you can do right away. Put her on a no carb, no sugar diet. None, Zero, Zip.

A great read.

Wright - Having been through this exact same situation with my mom the only two additional recommendations that I can provide beyond what everyone else has said is this - Hydration and Nutrition

Hydration and Nutrition seemed to help my mother live a little more in the present day and also reduced some of the paranoia and all of her hallucinations. Also it is hard but be patient with her....Good Luck Sir...

My father had Alzheimers for 6 years and my mom and sister were his daily care givers. He passed at age 85. My MIL in Maryland was diagnosed with moderate to severe dementia at age 74 after driving the wrong way down the interstate two years ago. She had her drivers license revoked at that time. We finally got her into a memory care facility that would accept her this June. She resisted us at every turn. My advice would to be to get guardianship and durable power of attorney for all financial affairs as well as medical power of attorney as soon as possible so the doctors and financial institutions will work with you. Had we done so much earlier than we did the transition to getting the care she needs would have been much easier. Ideally, your family member would be agreeable to signing all that documentation as my father was as he knew early on something was wrong with cognitive functions and my mom knew she could trust her eldest daughter to handle it better than her. My MIL was not, and still denies there is anything wrong with her even though she doesn’t know who we are. Such a horrible disease. My email is in my profile if you want specifics.

A terrible disease for the afflicted and their family members...

” Prayer is your biggest ally. You are always fighting a loosing battle that will never get better or even easier.”

My thoughts and prayers are with you.