My 70 y.o.
buddy from H.S. perplexes me.

He always made great money, always.
Never married, no kids.


Now he has a half dozen potential horrible health issues.

Pretty much has as much money as a dozen people need.

House is paid off.

For the life of me, I can't figure the hell out WHY he won't consider moving into a super nice assisted living facility.

Instead he bitches, moans ,whines and complains about his two story 80 y.o. pain in the ass ,out dated $260,000.00 house with all its upkeep and maintenance issues.

He needs help, and his health ain't getting better.

SNAP OUT IF IT.

You can lead a horse to the water trough but you cannot make him drink....... Until your friend is ready it aint going to to happen ... Just try and be there for him as much as you can. .................... drill sgt.

That’s a hard pill to swallow for a lot of people.

Independence.

Unfortunately, he will need to realize he must loosen the grip holding so tight to it.

One way or the other, he is going to need to start depending upon others.

Lots of older folks out there are in denial about their diminishing capabilities, and also fear the loss of independence that they associate with an assisted living facility.

Agreed with posts above. Seen it a few times myself. To be honest, I see their point of view and might have the same approach if my time comes. I can see not wanting to give up cherished possessions, cars (Even if you don't drive it) Pets etc. Maybe alcohol or weed? Not sure if many of these places allow that?


Maybe worth looking into around your friends area (Or somewhere he would be amicable to moving). There is a nice senior "Villa" community here in NOVA, my Mother might end up there. Basically, very nice, new, small ADA compliant single family homes with tiny yards but lots of common area. Some even have a garage. The HOA or whatever you call it handles 100% of the maintenance, repairs, yard care etc. They have house keepers available, people that will check in on your loved ones for you. A medic/nurse of sorts on the ground, community center etc. Like a fancy nursing home, but everyone actually gets their own home and you have some level of control in regards to how far you want/need to go into this kind of thing. Down side is cost... same aa a "regular" house 2-3 times the size and HIGH monthly fees (Several thousand per month!)

He is in denial,
big time .
Having a house is not independence ,
If anything he is a lot more dependant upon others to manage it.

He no longer drives but has two vehicles, rotting in the driveway.

All his possessions are anchors pulling him down.

He wakes up daily feeling like shit, in a house piled with crap he doesn't need.

What's it going to take for realization?

My mother lived in an Independent Living facility. The location also had one wing which was Assisted Living, for those who needed regular help.

The Independent side was for folks who still wanted some semblance of being just that, but did not require the extra help on a regular basis. She loved it.

While not necessarily assisted living as there are facilities in-between that and home ownership. There are communities of new one story homes on a smaller scale. No maintenance issues except any involving interior systems and they usually have those contractors in a "retainer".

This doesn't baffle me at all. They can drag me out of my home when I have no fingernails left to hold on with. Is there dust? Sometimes. Does it need a vacuum? Sometimes. Could it use some paint? In places. Should the lawn be cut more often? At times, if it's too hot, it has to wait for a cooler day. Is it full of stuff I haven't touched in 50 years? Yep. Do I care? No, and neither does Chloe the cat. It's ours and we'll stay here.

^^^^^^^
I like the way you think.

Smartest system I've ever I've seen is a center in a nearby city. It has every level you might need. You can start with an apartment, communal dining optional. You can be checked on if you like, meds dispensed, etc. As time goes by you can move to assisted living, etc. all the way up to full in patient nursing services. I might consider something like that when the time comes.

Hank Williams had pretty good advice:

“Mindin' other people's business seems to be high-toned
I got all that I can do just to mind my own
Why don't mind your own business
Mind your own business
If you mind your own business you'll stay busy all the time”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tUpdEq4HSqk

The reason He obtained giant piles of cash was to insure security late in life.

Now is the time to utilize it.

If it were not for the four people he wrangles to assist him on a weekly basis , he'd be dead.

They are taking half of his foot off before Christmas as well as four toes on the other foot.

He has no wife or kids to leave money to,
He has t we o brothers who want nothing to do with him and a sister that can't manage a check book , let alone another money put house.

He is on 28 medications, he has been in the hospital for28 days this year already.

He's disrespectful to his nurses ,their aids and other hospital support team members.

He was always considered the smartest , most likely to succeed in group of seven .

quote:

Originally posted by bendable:
He obtained giant piles of cash was to insure security late in life.

Maybe the house is his security. There is such a thing as home health care aides. Might be a suggestion for him. If he's got that much money, why not?

It sounds like the guy is incapable of accepting the reality of his situation. Not incapable of understanding it, but rather accepting the inevitability of that reality. We’ve all had similar moments of self deception but his delusion seems far stronger, possibly tempered by his vast financial wherewithal.

It would be nice if he finally “got it”, realized he has a finite amount of time that his wealth won’t change in a significant way and makes changes, but I’d stop letting it stress you out waiting for it to happen.

My 87 year old dad is in a similar situation, but not in denial of the issues and inevitable as your friend.

He has his own home, paid for, and not a lot of expenses, he wants to stay in the house as long as he can, so he's hired two women who come clean the house, drive him to appointments, store etc 3 days of the week.

He said he wants to have someone who can come in and help so he can stay independent. Eventually we'll sell the place and move him closer either here or an assisted living, he is trying to avoid it as long as possible.

This might be a good thing if you can find someone who he will let come by, take him to appointments, clean the house, cook a meal for him. They are not nurses but older individual women, making a few bucks and helping him out.

Sorry for you and your friend. Aging-in-place is probably the biggest myth/illusion of our time. He is probably already experiencing cognitive impairment given the consequences of his diabetes. Alzheimer's is different for everyone to some degree as different parts of the brain may be affected. I suppose at some point he will have an MRI to diagnose where the disease is. It's difficult to be self aware of your own MCI, much less doing something about it. I imagine there are 1000s if not 10s of thousands scenarios like this all over the country.

Although those around him want the best for him, they don't want the best for him at their expense.

All have their own lives to manage and families to tend to.

He spent his life being frugal, do you really think you will be able to convince him?