I've never had that many friends. And by friend, I mean someone more than just a person you know but someone you'd give your last dollar to. The most I've had at any given moment was maybe 2 or 3. I had one set in HS. One set in college. One set in post-college. Obviously the post-college friends lasted the longest but I'm down to only one. And even then, we only keep in touch a few times a year.

Times changes. Attitudes change. Preferences change. Priorities change. People change. True friends take work - something we may not invest in as we age.

It's just life

I have been friends with 4 guys since 9th grade of high school. Hung out with them all the time after that once I came back to the area after the military and school.

But once I got married and started having children that all changed and I went from seeing them weekly or every couple weeks to seeing them and hanging out a few times a year. The wife and kids became my focus and when I have precious free time, I go hang out with them when I can.

They understand and most are in the same boat now.

quote:

Originally posted by architect:
I think it's a little simpler than most here are making it out to be. You make long-term friends when you are pretty young (by definition), college or earlier, but before your adult personality is fully forged. Over the decades you both change in different ways, develop new interests, get married (usually to different women), work different careers, etc. These experiences tend to divert your paths, and you "grow apart."

One of those things that would be remarkable if it weren't true.

Very much agree with you

My wife still keeps track of her elementary friends who grew up in the same town she did. She also has a group from high school and college. Her college friends stayed at our house for about 3 nights early this year. They did the same last year.

I on the other hand maintained friendship with two high school friends until after 20 years afterwards. We drifted apart and we weren't sharing the same life anymore. I've picked up new friends along the way.

As a child growing up till my mid teens I had six close friends. There were times we were always together every single day. We all rode motorcycles together. We went camping together. We just hung out all the time.

Around the time we all started to get old enough to get jobs was when we started to spend less time together.
Then the girlfriends started and we never spent much time together. We drifted apart, some got married and moved out of the town we all grew up in. I was the only one who got married and stayed in town. Over the years a few have passed away.

The last one I talked to was several years ago. When I found out one of the group had passed away I managed to find his phone number and called. We talked for a few hours and that was it.

As I got into my late teens my girlfriend and her parents were part of the local volunteer fire department and first aid squad. I got tired of watching them leave me to go on calls so I joined both organizations. That sent me on my journey in life and a new career path.

In the Fire department we were a close nit group almost like family. We went to all the weddings, we were in each others wedding party's, we were at the hospital for all the births, we were at all the christenings, like I said we were all a big family. We all went to the bars together. We would vacation together. We were close. It was the same with a few friends I worked part time with at my county fire academy.

In 1999 my wife and I decided to go on a new life/career path.
We moved to Florida, 1000 miles away from everything and everyone we knew. We stayed in touch with most of our friends for a while and when they would come to Disney or we would visit home we would get together.

Over the years we just lost touch. We all went our different ways in life, it happens. If it were not for my wife being on Facebook we would probably never talk to our old friends at all, everyone just got busy with life.

Back in May of this year we went home to visit my mom. We let a few friend we still keep in touch with on Facebook know we were coming but we still did not get to see everyone we wanted. One of my best friends back in the day had recently retired as the police chief of the town we lived in. We did not get to see him because while we were in NJ he was in FL.

Even living in Florida we have made new friends over the years. Their are times we won't see them for months at a time.

When my wife and I talk about it I just say "at some point life got in the way and we move on".

The really sad part is I hardly talk to my two brothers. One works seven days a week 10 to 12 hours a day and the other, when he is not working is always off on an adventure some ware.
I always talk to my mother two to three times a week.

Interesting thread...

I often wondered the same thing. Mrs. Angus and I had my friends during our child raising years. It's true that you meet many friends during kid events.

Since the kids have left home, we don't have as many friends as before but the friends we do have are very close to us, almost family.

Some people just want to forget the past. It doesn't mean they have any hard feelings toward you, it's just that forgetting is easier when no one is reminding them.

I have maybe one friend now. I say maybe because he's moved, and we don't go out of our way to bug each other, so to speak. Whenever we get together, he always brings up the distant past that we have in common, and most of that time of my life I'd just as soon not think about. What is really strange is that he is stuck on a particular event in his memory that he swears I was at, but I have zero recollection of it and don't think it was anything I'd forget if I was there.

quote:

Originally posted by preten2b:
...and politics were the last straws.

Up until 6 years ago, we had a pretty tight group of old friends and surrounding acquaintances in CA from the college years. Most of that crumbled after Trump took office, since my wife and I were the only ones who supported him, it was no secret. For the most part, we were ridiculed and eventually ostracized, we now have zero contact with many of these so-called buddies. Our only old best friends (not from college) we have any meaningful contact with are Trump voters and have moved to OR, we have visited them this year. A lot of family from my wife's side also shunned us for the same reason, those X-Mas cards stopped arriving in 2018.

But for me and my wife, it was c'est la vie; we have some new friends in TX, some loving family members and extended family here, our son and his girlfriend (who are also Trump folks), and our Texan friends. Plus I have family from my side that we still connect with. But more importantly, my wife and I have each other, that is what really only matters. We have zero regrets, and sleep soundly.

It's rather paradoxical, because the ease of re-finding old friends has never been easier; don't even need to find an envelope and a stamp. So IMO it must be something else, and I think something new. I don't blame COVID for losing high school or in may case med school friends. Geographical separation has something to do with it--went to med school on the east coast. I had two good friends in medical school; used to get an annual letter from one couple, and we used to send one out. Then I stopped. So that's definitely on me.

More severe, IMO has been the political divide which I must admit worsened with the 2016 election and following. People who are or were Trump supporters don't bring up politics because they know they will be shunned by those who were not.
My Facebook "friends" who were old high school friends and the like are not at all shy about posting anti-conservative stuff, and I know for sure that in posting they are exhibiting either (1) intolerance or (2) cluelessness that an old friend could be a Trump supporter.

A partial exception for me has been resurrecting a group who were a pretty close-knit group of guys for three months when we were in Peace Corps training, preparing to go to Mauritania in 1966. Only about half went there, others went elsewhere. Due to the persistence of a couple of members, there is now a monthly (too often!) Zoom call. I've participated in only two. I'm welcomed back when I do join the call, but we mostly reminisce, and politics doesn't come up much. But I know some--no, most--of the guys are activist Leftists; one an out-and-out Commie as far as I'm concerned. The others do-gooders. Only one is openly pro-Trump. Even though I participate half-heartedly, I know that other than the common experiences of 50 years ago we have very little in common. I'm pretty sure almost none of the others is a committed Christian; and only one other member is a Christian and an (anti-Trump) conservative. I actually do maintain ties with him, and we have a lot in common still.

Actually, I've found that with moving around, finding a church with like-minded folks is pretty easy, and so we have new friends we may not have lifelong, but for now share faith and politics.

Then there are two couples my wife and I are still close to from med school days at Yale where we lived in married grad student housing. One is an Australian couple who live in Tasmania. We do FaceTime with them, have visited them once and they have visited us twice--in 45 years. But when we get together we have more in common than ever. They are really great. The other couple have a more strained relationship with us, because the wife has leftist bumper sticker plastered all over her Subaru. BUT we deliberately avoid politics and instead share news of kids and grandkids, and that makes it work.

As we get older--and my wife and I will be 80 next year--we lose friends more through death or dementia than anything else.

I lost most of my old friends from high school and college over Trump and Covid. I lost neighborhood "friends" who were more like convenient acquaintances when I moved away after getting divorced.

It seems many times our friends only share one or two common interests, which is fine as far as that goes. Having some neighbors over for a bbq, or going out to an event with like minded people.

But deeper friends that really click are rare. We are finding in retirement a small number of such people, but it is much more rewarding to be with them than with a large number of single dimension "friends".

I completely agree that you have to put yourself out there, sometimes to the point of being uncomfortable if the friendship is worth it. I have maybe 4 or 5 buddies that are close, wouldn’t hesitate to call if I needed something. One of them I had a falling apart with. I recall posting here years ago, asking if it was worthwhile to reconnect. Responses were split but I emailed him anyway. I had barely hit the send button before my phone rang. Talk to him 3-4 times a week now. Just put yourself out there

If you're a "loaner," who borrows you? Reconnected with an old friend at lunch today. Easy to be friendly over an XL pizza. And it was half price day!