I've had four friends that I thought would be lifelong friends just drift away. I'm 63 years old. Recently, a friend since grade school suddenly stopped communicating. Don't know why, but I really considered him my best friend in my entire life.

My brother since his divorce suddenly found himself without friends.

What is it about life as it proceeds that takes its toll on past friends?

If you ever figure it out, please let me know.

I think people are just sick of life and others at that point. Easier just to keep to themselves. I bet if you went out of your way to communicate with them they’d be open to it.

Well, the whole Covid drama sure didn’t help the social fabric. I’m sure there are other things going on, but I suspect that is one cause.

quote:

Originally posted by goose5:
I've had four friends that I thought would be lifelong friends just drift away. I'm 63 years old. Recently, a friend since grade school suddenly stopped communicating. Don't know why, but I really considered him my best friend in my entire life.

My brother since his divorce suddenly found himself without friends.

What is it about life as it proceeds that takes its toll on past friends?

I was without many friends after my divorce, some because I didn’t want to put them in an awkward position. Later, I rekindled one friendship that I’d given space. He was a great high school friend and his wife and (then) wife became friends. He told me he had assumed I fooled around based on what my ex wife has said afterwards. That cheating hoe bag. Some have drifted away, some went away with biting, unfriendly comments. I chalk it up to penance for wrongs I’ve done in this world and try to only look forward now that there’s less of that road to look down.

I don’t know if I’m an official ‘loaner’ because I still seek social interaction. However, I like it on my own terms, and that’s why I’m on these forums.

We rarely have anyone over, and I mostly keep up with work buddies and my main buddy by texts. Mainly, I like to not be ‘burdened.’ I reach out when I want to, and again, forums are the perfect place for my social interaction.

I've had life-long friends slowly back away, and it was 50 years worth. Get togethers slowed down, health declined, or even a loss or two. Covid and politics were the last straws. There are many reasons, yet I feel the worst is they stop "trying". The golden years are full of excuses.

Some of the friends from college whom I called great friends have slowly drifted away. Med school? Some very nice people, but I can't even recall anyone whom I would call a real friend. Now, I only have one friend, met about 20 years ago and have worked together, that I consider a brother, even though we are now almost a thousand miles apart.

You have to make the effort. Often, it's just easier to not do that.

I have three friends back in Washington state. I'm talking about relationships beginning in the 1950's. We talk on the phone at least two, maybe three times a year.

I grew up overseas, and most of my friends were others in the expat community. Last I knew, most of us were scattered all over the US and even the world. For the first few years we did a pretty good job of keeping in touch, and were even in each other's weddings and stuff like that. Then I dumped social media about 5 years ago, and haven't really heard from any of them since. I'll admit it goes both ways as I haven't really made any effort to reach out, either...but without the convenience of Facebook it's just not easy to take the initiative to stay in touch. A few of those guys I imagine I could still sit down over lunch with and pick up where we left off, though.

These days my friend circle is pretty much limited to those who live locally and who I see on a regular basis either through work or church. I keep up with immediate family out of town, but that's about it.

The older you get, the more you realize most people suck.

My wife has tried without success to be friendly with her high-school friend. After 30 years, wife gave up. She said after trying that long with no good response, time to move on.

I have experienced the same thing. Lifelong friendships just dried up.
In one instance, best friend from middle school lost his wife to illness.
We had a lot of good times together. I think being together after her death was hard for him.
He married again and started over with family stuff and kids. We stay in touch, but not like before.

Another friend from middle school did just the opposite. He was very busy starting his business and was too distracted to bother with friends. Out of the blue, he reaches out saying that even though he was a shifty friend, he appreciated me consistently reaching out to him. Our friendship rekindled and we're like brothers now. He did say something along the lines of a wake up call. Only a few years in life left and wanted to focus more on things that matter most to him.

One of life's mysteries I guess.

It's not really "life", stop calling it life.
Since minute one you've been in transition.

And as you choose your options , minute by minute,
You are transitioning, it's just that simple, you , with the energy you were born with, are choosing to transition in one direction or another.

Then there are times when other people or circumstances affect you and your transitions .

If you come to the conclusion that the transitions are not favorable , you have the energy ,and the decision making ability to change the direction of the transition.

This term " life" is a term people use mostly at the wrong time.
For the most part, the term life should only be used post mortem.

"She / he had a good life, or !
after a total derailment of the decision making transitional period,
Like when Skippy chose to murder his wife.

People might use the phrase " he's had a rough life".

Hence forth thinking of your time as transitioning ,will offer the current perspective much more favorably .

You aren't " losing " friends, co-workers or neighbors,
You / they are just in transition.

And with that transition, you are gaining new perspective to inhance further decision making.

It's a win, win.

Hope this helps.

Apparently it’s not an uncommon phenomenon. Priorities and changes in social comforts are the most common reasons.

quote:

Covid and politics were the last straws.

I think that's most of it in a nut shell for me. I don't mind being alone most of the time...and I've got you guys... But there are other times I feel very lonely. I admit that I'm not super outgoing, so that doesn't help my situation.

I think it’s just human nature that we drift apart over the course of life.

Moby had a great line in his song:


'Cause people, they come together
People, they fall apart…

In my observation, part could be embarrassment from age related infirmity, or financial status. One of my friends pulled away and I wondered if I'd see him when I was at a wedding in his city. We got together and I was shocked at his condition from seeming early onset dementia. We used to cycle together and play hockey, both of those are off the table now. He is a gifted musician and I hope he can play for a long time.

I met him when we were both Geology majors at University of Missouri. We went to field camp in 1978 in Wyoming at the camp the university has had since the 1920's. I bought the field camp vehicle (1962 GMC K1000 Suburban) they were liquidating on a silent auction I still have. My friend was on the bus that towed it back to Columbia, Missouri.

I'm doing a partial restoration on it and we planned to do a pilgrimage out to the field camp last summer in the GMC and drive it out there. I didn't get it done in time and hope he is able to do it next summer.

I think it's a little simpler than most here are making it out to be. You make long-term friends when you are pretty young (by definition), college or earlier, but before your adult personality is fully forged. Over the decades you both change in different ways, develop new interests, get married (usually to different women), work different careers, etc. These experiences tend to divert your paths, and you "grow apart."

One of those things that would be remarkable if it weren't true.

Looking back over my life, I cant really say I have had all that many true friends. So its no different for me now that I am older.

My best man was a long-time friend, hosted our baby shower when it was that time a few years after. Up and moved to Austin, TX and didn't say a word.

I think people deep down are sometimes filled with internal turmoil and it's exhausting for them to maintain external relationships. The pace of modern life...work and school schedules, people are focused on the day to day and week to week and drift happens.

I used to take it personally and have to remember I can be the same way. Even with family.