I am against divorce emphatically as I don't believe that people should get married unless they are both mature enough to know that they are in this for the long haul (better or worse and all that).

However, I also agree that things happen that we can't foresee and sometimes those things involve trust. Trust, to me, takes a lifetime to build and can and will be destroyed in a second. Once it's gone it's gone. Were I you? I'd forever worry if she'd get a another wild hair and toss me out again and I'd not be willing to live like that always looking over my shoulder.

I'd keep it amicable and move on.

Just my $.02. Best of luck in whatever decision you make.

Also, you are not betraying your vows, she is. How old is she BTW?

I don't care how intellengent, educated, mature or anything you (any person) think you are.

You can never know what another person will do in a relationship.

While you may well be able to choose to, commit to and carry out the lifelong "sticking it out no matter what", you cannot force another to do the same, and no one on this earth has the ability to know if another will commit and carry out as you would.

Such absolutes often lead to drastic means to an end.


We should "adult" and it would be most noble if all would "adult", but it simply is not realistic to expect that the "other person" is never going to be the exeption.

It sounds like she's done, but I suppose there's little harm in an attempt at counseling given that she is willing. I'd either bounce now, or immediately after unsuccessful counseling.

I'm sorry to hear it, regardless.

I am going to disagree with my esteemed peers here: Marriage Counseling is more like Divorce Counseling. In fact, the highest divorce rates are found among counselors and psychologists.

No, I'd check out the Marriage Builders web site and post your questions there. The forums are free (you have to register, just like here). Dr. Willard F. Harley, Jr. is a recognized expert and author of numerous books ("His Needs, Her Needs" is a best-seller).

Disclaimer: I have been a participant and a board moderator.

Personally, from having piloted the plane of my former marriage all the way to the scene of the crash, if there is any doubt (about the marriage) then there is no doubt.

However, second chances are exceedingly rare so my advice is to get some counseling to try, in a neutral setting, to see if you can find out what the issues are (and if they can be reconciled), but if they seem insurmountable, get a lawyer and start the paperwork.

What is also rare and valuable is certainty that you did everything you could, with no second guessingnagging you in the future.

quote:

Originally posted by FenderBender:

quote:

Originally posted by bubbatime:
Sounds like she has moved on and perhaps has a new fling.

I can assure you that's not the case.

Not unless you have 24/7 surveillance, you can't.

My money is she's been banging someone else but it's not solid, so she'll keep it amicable "go to counseling with you", but she told you she doesn't see it working, so as soon as she's found another, you're toast.

3 years, no kids? Not worth the drama. Pop smoke and GTFO while it's still easy and cheap.

quote:

Originally posted by RHINOWSO:

quote:

Originally posted by FenderBender:

quote:

Originally posted by bubbatime:
Sounds like she has moved on and perhaps has a new fling.

I can assure you that's not the case.

Not unless you have 24/7 surveillance, you can't.

My money is she's been banging someone else but it's not solid, so she'll keep it amicable "go to counseling with you", but she told you she doesn't see it working, so as soon as she's found another, you're toast.

3 years, no kids? Not worth the drama. Pop smoke and GTFO while it's still easy and cheap.

True words. I've never seen a woman jump out of a plane without a parachute.

^^^^^
I call it the "monkey move" - they never let go of the last branch until they have their other hand firmly gripped on another.

that milk will still be spoiled in a month, no sense in placing back in fridge.

I suggest GTFO, gg next.

Counseling may be informative but this looks like the end of the road. The future after counseling will be rocky at best.

Walk with an attorney's opinion that you have confidence in. Hope for the best but expect the worst.

Finally go with your gut. No matter what is said here, this is your decision only.

If she believes its a fantasy, and tells you she is in a good place being separated, then there isn't much that can be done.

My marriage was about done, but we were both in a bad place and agreed that despite all the BS we wanted it to work and wanted to be together. We worked it out and its been truly excellent for a few years now.

But we both wanted it. I hate to say it, but it doesn't sound like she does in your case

She doesn't want the split to be all her fault. She's hoping you'll end it.

quote:

Originally posted by Leemur:
She's going in with failure on her mind. Pop smoke, protect yourself and move on IMO.

Agree, run away. Counseling is just a band-aid. She would have to change for things to work out and I see that maybe one in ten.

I'm in a similar boat, but not. I'm not willing to share so please do not be offended.

I'm willing to try what I can to do to make my marriage work. At the end of the day and down the road I will be comfortable knowing I did what I could. We are currently in counseling.

Only you know what is right in your situation. Based on what you've provided I would suggest trying the counseling.

You didn't get to where you are over night and it may take some time to resolve. It may not be salvageable, but you will know.

Cheers~

Ensure you have a firm hand on, and accountability of, all your financial assets.

I will caveat the following by saying I could be completely wrong. Except about getting a lawyer. That part is right, everything else could be wrong, but get a lawyer anyway.

Are you legally separated? Is there a separation agreement in place? If you don't already have a lawyer, go and get a consult with one and learn what the divorce laws are in your state. Then find a good lawyer and either hire them or put them on retainer.

I've been in a similar situation, wondering if my marriage is salvageable, trying to figure out how to fix it. But, If she is telling you to your face that it isn't going to work, guess what, IT PROBABLY ISN"T GOING TO WORK. Sorry to be a dick, but the sooner you recognize the situation and realize your marriage is over, the better off it is for you. Otherwise, you'll string yourself along and waiting for a solution that will not come. Another poster used the band aide analogy. I found it to be a true analogy. Do the counseling anyway if it helps you work through the situation. Trust me, counseling does help.

The other thing I'll tell you is to keep it civil and friendly. While my divorce was anything but friendly, I've heard that some folks actually have amicable divorces. I'm told it makes life a lot easier afterward.

Good luck, ask what questions you need, but be careful what you say and who you say to as anything you say to anyone could get back to your wife.

quote:

I'd keep it amicable and move on.

sure, now you tell me....

[eta]: decades ago was in similar situation with similar notes, had 2 toddlers in addition.

We were both of the notion 'we had to try EVERYTHING'....we did, and 'nothing' produce marital bliss for us....

in brief, despite the transient turbulence, separation/divorce worked for us far better than nominal unsatisfactory 'marriage'

quote:

Originally posted by RHINOWSO:

quote:

Originally posted by FenderBender:

quote:

Originally posted by bubbatime:
Sounds like she has moved on and perhaps has a new fling.

I can assure you that's not the case.

Not unless you have 24/7 surveillance, you can't.

My money is she's been banging someone else but it's not solid, so she'll keep it amicable "go to counseling with you", but she told you she doesn't see it working, so as soon as she's found another, you're toast.

3 years, no kids? Not worth the drama. Pop smoke and GTFO while it's still easy and cheap.

This, and get a lawyer. You don't have to start proceedings now, you can go to counseling if you want, but at least talk to a lawyer so you know what to say and what not to say.

I would leave now. Even if you worked it out, I'm guessing down the road this would occur again. You may have children the next time around.

I found my wife of 7 years after getting divorced from my first wife 10 years ago. We were married 3 years and it was so-so. Sparks at first but we got tired of each other.

I think we should have our own relationship subforum LOL. Entirely too much experience on this subject evidently. But, to the OP, notice that we were all saying mostly the same thing.

I'm going to say one thing again though, counseling or not... get a lawyer consult. Will probably be free. But no man should go to war without knowing his options...