quote:

Originally posted by RHINOWSO:
^^^^^
I call it the "monkey move" - they never let go of the last branch until they have their other hand firmly gripped on another.

I've been saying by that exact thing, word-for-word for years. And it's been true every time I've seen the woman do the leaving.

In a nutshell.

quote:

Originally posted by FenderBender:

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Originally posted by bubbatime:
Sounds like she has moved on and perhaps has a new fling.

I can assure you that's not the case.

Someone always says that in these situations. Even though they know nothing about the facts. Ignore it.

Does she think counseling might actually work in terms of getting you back together? Or would she agree to go just on the off-chance it does, or would she agree to go just because you suggested it?

If one party has already decided it is over, it is over. Counseling won't change that person's mind.

Counseling can work when both think it can be put back together, but need help with how to do that.

Maybe that will help you think it over.

I've always had a bad attitude towards marriage. Throughout my life I've seen a lot of disasters.

But I think the issue here comes down to how you answer the following questions.

- Do YOU REALLY want to get back together, or has the spell be broken, never to be fixed?

- Can you come to trust her again? Because from the little you've put out about the situation so for, it sounds like you don't now.

I like the below advice if you get a good counselor. If its doomed it will make the reasons more logical than emotional. May help the healing process too. Plus, you avoid any I didn't try to fix it hard enough guilt..

Just my 2cents Divorce sucks even if no kids.

quote:

Originally posted by ZSMICHAEL:
How long have you been married, are there children involved, and are they likely to be disagreements about financial matters?

A clinical psychologist might help you and your wife help sort things out. The role of the psychologist is help you understand the nature of your relationship and help the two of you decide whether your differences can be worked out. They do not tell you to divorce or stay together. It can make an eventual divorce much less expensive both emotionally and financially. Both parties have to agree to attend and to be honest, otherwise it is a waste of time.

Many States are of the 'no fault' rules when it comes to divorce. Depending somewhat on the length of marriage, things get split. It hardly matters who has done what or started proceedings.

One could talk to a few law offices to 'lock them up', preventing the future EX from using the perceived better legal firms. Other than that one could figure out much themselves without the lawyers. With a shorter marriage & no kids, one may not get the 50% asset split if one took a lopsided amount into the marriage.

As posted, I'd keep a hand on financial assets. Now is the time to close joint credit cards & as many accounts as possible. If one files for divorce, that action will be frozen.

I'd also do a 'credit freeze' on yourself. None of this would mean you have to go through with a divorce, just being defensive.

I think the largest obstacle is when one spouse has already checked out. As long as both want to work on it, there is hope. I've had some experience in this area recently, after 24 years. In many States you can also get the ball rolling with online forms. They can be filed at the courthouse once filled out, then the fees.

Yeah, 3 years & no kids, if you feel the end is coming, there won't be a better time. In my case things are progressing fairly well, though I can't guarantee what's a year out.

many other posters have said what I was thinking....

-women, like monkeys; never let go of one branch until they have another one in their hand

-get thee to a lawyer

-go do the counselling thingy, you never know-it might work; but even if it doesn't-you can tell yourself later that you are the one who tried to make it work...

-and lastly, sometimes shit doesn't work out no matter what....

I've been the guy who walked in on it...I'd bail, go get drunk for a week and move on...finding prettier chicks is always a self esteem builder too

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Originally posted by MikeinNC:

finding prettier chicks is always a self esteem builder too

And later in life, if you have a decent job and aren't a deadbeat, they aren't hard at all to find...

I would say it depends on how you feel about her. If you really love her, then do everything you can to try to make the marriage work. If not, then go separate ways.

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Originally posted by StorminNormin:
I would say it depends on how you feel about her. If you really love her, then do everything you can to try to make the marriage work. If not, then go separate ways.

How and why would you love a woman who's punched out of your life once already and you can no longer trust. I think some of you guys suffer from low self-esteem issues. There are too many women in world to put up with such bullshit.

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she thinks us working out is a fantasy and claims to be in a good place now.

That's all I need to know. She has mentally checked out of the relationship. Your efforts probably won't be rewarded in the way you hope.

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Originally posted by PD:

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Originally posted by StorminNormin:
I would say it depends on how you feel about her. If you really love her, then do everything you can to try to make the marriage work. If not, then go separate ways.

How and why would you love a woman who's punched out of your life once already and you can no longer trust. I think some of you guys suffer from low self-esteem issues. There are too many women in world to put up with such bullshit.

I don't see how she has "punched out" if she is willing to try to make it work. I also didn't see anywhere where he said he can't trust her anymore.

He is the one who knows ALL of the details. I am surely not suffering from low self-esteem. I have been married for 20 years and there are ups and downs in a marriage. All I am saying is if you love her, then do what you can to make it work. If you don't, then leave. Maybe there are details beyond this post I am not aware of.

Thanks everyone for the input, It's been tremendously helpful.

I didn't read all the above advice (which is generally good) but the one thing you should do is get a lawyer, right now, and do exactly what he says.
Trust me on this. I didn't, and I regret it now.

I really wish I could say that marriage counseling was the answer, but I know of four couples that tried it and not a one of them stayed married.

Well, here's my two cents. Don't disagree with the majority above. 3 years no kids she's already punched mentally, GTFO. Protect yourself, get a lawyer, protect your assets, heal safely and not stupidly.

Stick together and have a kid and your issues get exponentially more difficult. Don't do that.

As for counseling. For the most part I think it is "nearly" useless. I say nearly because we and the wife have gone to counseling three times over our 20 years. The counselors almost always seem more fucked up than we were and not even all that bright or useful. What counseling provided us was a safer (ie arguments didn't go nuclear) environment to air our respective issues. We never utilized their services for long but each case gave us some breathing room to figure out some stuff.

That doesn't seem to be the case here though. Get out and don't look back. Once its final, erase contact numbers, throw away memories and move on. Make a better choice next time. Or don't. Good luck either way.

If you have been separated for 2-3 months and she says she is in a good place, it is already over. Counseling will not change that.

I have been married for 19 years this month. 95% of the marriage working is both parties desire to make it work. Ask yourself if that is were you and she are? If not, it is over and you should move on. There are no kids involved so just celebrate how great the time together was and move on to someone who is on the same page as you.

I finally broke free of my 19 year deal. Gave it my best shot. Separated four 4 years. In the end...it was a buy out. How much is this going to cost me to be free.

Get a good attorney. Do as much communication as you can via email. Keep a record.

Good luck.

The one reason I declined counseling was because it was clear my wife thought that it would somehow fix me. She would never admit that she had problems to be worked on also. I knew it would be a waste of time and money. A few years later and we get along fine but none of those concerns I had have changed. If both people are willing to work on the issues and both want to have a long lasting relationship then give it a shot. Otherwise you are just delaying the inevitable.

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Originally posted by bendable:
I really wish I could say that marriage counseling was the answer, but I know of four couples that tried it and not a one of them stayed married.

They don't really want a role as preserving the marriage. They want to help their clients figure out what they really want. At least one person already knows what they want and are just looking for help coming to grips with it. Wait for the dreaded ' I love you but I'm not in love with you' line.