I'm the executor of my mother's will and am looking for advice and what to expect when that time comes which, unfortunately, appears to be not far off as her health is rapidly declining.

My family is fractured and there's me and a sister on one side and the three other siblings on the other. I don't know anything about what is in the will but I do know that whatever the other three get it won't be enough and they will contest the will.

Because I've never been the executor, or even ever been to a will reading, I'm clueless as to what's coming so once again I turn to my SIGForum family for help -

- Can I let the estate attorney handle any and all communications with my siblings regarding mom's passing, results of will, etc.?

- What to expect when The Fractious Three contest the will? Am I correct in assuming I can let the attorney handle all matters in that regard?

- What do I need to guard against when this comes my way?

At this point I'm at the "I don't know what I don't know" stage and don't even know what questions I should be asking, or what preparations I can/should take for the nastiness that I know is coming.

quote:

I don't know anything about what is in the will

Not a lawyer but this seems odd to me. My attorney insisted that my executor received a copy of my will so any questions could be handled aforehand. Hard to ask the right questions not knowing what's contained in the document.

I've only dealt with wills that didn't have family drama so take it for what it's worth.

First, is this serious money or property? The others that could contest this are going to have to pay for their attorney to contest the will or appear unrepresented themselves. Those attorneys won't take this on if getting paid depends on their side winning. If that probability is high, your mothers attorney didn't do their job or your mother didn't let them but that's a different issue.

Since you are the executor (?), be sure her attorney (hopefully this isn't a self-prepared version) is aware of any of the issues and deals with them while your mother is still alive if possible. Some explanation of your responsibilities would seem to be part of that.

Why are you unaware of the contents of the will? I never had one where there was a family gathering at an attorneys office for a reading. That's something I've only seen in the movies. The text of the will should be pretty clear.

At this point, get all your legal issues lined up and do some reading about the subject in the state where this will be handled. That's especially true if you think the attorney isn't on top of things as well as they should be and you need to have some knowledge to judge that. Some of the professionals here can hopefully give you the best advice.

How to best handle this family feud situation? Only you know. The attorney is there to follow the law and do what they are paid to do.

Estate law varies from state to state but, if there's an Estate Attorney, they can answer any and all questions you may have.

Regardless, while you assume the 'Fractious Three' siblings in question will contest the will, they can only contest it's validity, not what's in it. What's in the the will is at the discretion of the Decedent and the purpose is to ensure that their wishes are executed after they're gone. As long as the will is valid/legal, you really shouldn't have anything to worry about.

Why did you agree to do this ?
What's in it for you ?
Get it in writing about your compensation for your services. Today!

Never was a more divisive task invented. There are endless tales of intersibling conflict / discord, post mortem.

Famous last words: oh our family wouldn't behave like that.

My brother and I were co-executors of my Mother's will. A lawyer told us there might be conflict in the family as there usually was.

I told him there wouldn't be, and there wasn't any.

We were lucky.

My wife was the Executor for her Mom and Dad's Wills . Her brother and sister didn't contest anything but they were no help when dealing with anything .Her parents had assets but they also had a lot of debt . The Attorney advised her on what to do but all of the legwork was on her .

quote:

Originally posted by marksman41:
I'm the executor of my mother's will and am looking for advice and what to expect when that time comes which, unfortunately, appears to be not far off as her health is rapidly declining.

I am sorry for your mom's declining health. For background, I have served as executor for my sister, who had a quite extensive and complicated estate, and worked closely with my wife who did her parent's much less complex estates. I am not an attorney.

quote:

My family is fractured and there's me and a sister on one side and the three other siblings on the other. I don't know anything about what is in the will but I do know that whatever the other three get it won't be enough and they will contest the will.

I would say, with your mom's permission and assistance, that you, and everyone mentioned in the will be made aware of your mother's wishes. Compliance with your mother's wishes is a powerful factor in restraining some of the more outrageous behavior among heirs, best that everybody has a common understanding of what they are.

It appears that the will was drawn up by an estate attorney, so they should be involved as well. If this is a holographic will (hand-written by the decedent), be prepared for much confusion and differences in interpretation among the heirs.

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- Can I let the estate attorney handle any and all communications with my siblings regarding mom's passing, results of will, etc.?

I'm sure the estate attorney will do this if you ask, but they will charge you (actually the estate) their usual hourly rate for every minute they spend talking to an heir. This includes if the heirs take it upon themselves to initiate contact with the estate attorney.

Never forget, the estate attorney represents the estate's interests, not yours. You may be well-served to hire your own attorney to represent your position as an heir. If your fractious siblings hire their own attorney, this is almost mandatory.

quote:

- What to expect when The Fractious Three contest the will? Am I correct in assuming I can let the attorney handle all matters in that regard?

They will file claims to be adjudicated by the probate judge in accordance with State probate law (this differs considerably between States). Your attorney, probably not the estate attorney, is your advocate before that court, but you most definitely will have to be involved. Your status as a claimant is not privileged just because you are executor, you are on an equal footing with all heirs. Don't forget that claims can come from all directions, unpaid contractors, random people felt they are owed a decades-old personal debt, etc. Without the decedent available to testify to the validity of these claims, many feel they have a good chance to prevail, or at least get a nuisance settlement.

quote:

- What do I need to guard against when this comes my way?

The usual, lies, greed, and obfuscation. If you have written evidence that bolsters your side of the story, assemble it now, not after the will is read.

quote:

At this point I'm at the "I don't know what I don't know" stage and don't even know what questions I should be asking, or what preparations I can/should take for the nastiness that I know is coming.

When my sister passed, I found a book titled "How to Probate an Estate in California," it was very helpful. You may be able to find a comparable resource for your State. This book is yours if you want it, but it will probably be useless, and misleading anywhere but CA.

There are other responsibilities you may not be thinking of. For example taxes, you will have to prepare decedent's State and Federal income tax filings (and pay any tax owed) for the year of death, You will also have to prepare tax filings for every year the estate is in probate, if there are income-earning investments. Also, be prepared for estate expenses to eat up much of the nominal value of the estate, e.g. a mortgage on an estate-owned property. This can leave heirs with much less than they expect to receive, even if the distribution is in full compliance with the decedent's instructions. If the financial realities require selling property, cashing in investments, etc. do this expeditiously as it is much easier to manage cash than other property.

There is a lot of work involved, depending on the value and complexity of the estate. You are entitled to a fee, from the estate paid before distribution, for doing this work. Be prepared for your contentious siblings to resent this fact, and not understand why you aren't helping your mom out of the goodness of your heart.

I am not an attorney but have dealt with estates, wills, and trusts in the past. Is the estate substantial, are the siblings from the same marriage or was there a second marriage? If there are step siblings, how long was the second marriage? Many of the problems I see in estates are due to complications that arise after the death of a spouse on a second marriage and new wills get drawn up excluding or limiting the step children from assets they expect. While you do not know what is in the will, I suspect you have an idea that something is going to create hard feelings. If the deceased spouse had intentions to split the assets one way and it was changed after their death that could certainly be a place where the other children contest. Laws are different in every state, but contesting a will is easy, winning the case is much harder. Let the attorney handle all communications and don’t open yourself up to liability by having conversations without the attorney present. The job of the executor is to execute the disbursement of the estate as outlined by the decedent. To ease your mind it may make sense for you to consult with the probate attorney you plan to use to spell out the process and to discuss your fears regarding the beneficiaries of the will. In the end, refer anyone with questions to the attorney, that’s why you pay them.

Another potential option if this isn't big bucks and a huge family food fight- you do have the option of declining to serve as the executor.

Back to the earlier suggestions. I would still have your mother give you a copy now and address any issues quickly.
I wouldn't present it to your siblings now as they may decide to lobby your ill mother at this point in her life to gain an advantage and make the rest of it miserable.

I still haven't seen an answer to the self prepared or attorney prepared will question yet and that will tell a lot.

Depending on the type of health decline your mother is going through now, you may want to become her POA, so no one else can get her to sign off on a change in the will on her deathbed. Folks in cognitive decline can be manipulated into signing a lot of stuff on their deathbed and it's real hard to unwind that.

Not a lawyer but have dealt with the passing of my parents. The will was pretty plain and simple. Every asset was to be split between my sister and myself. Nothing for any other distant family members which where only cousins. I never saw the will before hand but I had a long discussion with my mom, and she told me the details.

If you can, see if you can get a copy of the will so you can be prepared, or at least have your mom verbally give an overview, where you can ask questions and be ready for the sad event. No parent wants survivors arguing and bickering after they pass.

“How do I remove my own appendix…”

Call the lawyer who did your mother’s will, and talk it over with him.

If he cannot, find another estate attorney in your area.

You are in a situation where a tiny amount of work now, can head off lots of issues later. This is when you should call a lawyer.

Many thanks for the recommendations so far. Some clarification to answer the questions to me, so far, :

- I'm the one who took on the duty of looking after Mom when Dad died in 2011 and it was my choice to agree when she asked if I would be the executor of her will. I knew full well at the time that there were going to be problems with the siblings.

- I didn't know that I was supposed to be privy to the contents of the will. When I took Mom to the estate attorney's office there was a lot of discussion about wills, trusts, etc., and when it came time to actually create the document the attorney asked me to wait in the lobby and he and my mother made the will. I never asked her about the will and really don't care to know until it's read. It's her choice and I'll abide with her wishes.

- I don't know what constitutes "substantial" when it comes to assets but there's a house, about $100k in savings, a car, and various items in the house but nothing of any value other than memories. The deed to the house is in my name with her on it as a protection for her so that I couldn't sell it out from under her and leave her homeless. The attorney suggested it and I wanted it as well, not that I would do anything nefarious but rather to keep everything above question.

- My understanding from what she has told me and the other kids in the past is that whatever money is left after she goes will be divided equally. Whether that's still the case or she's changed something, I don't know and don't care. It's her money and I and the sister that sides with me have told her and Dad for years for them to use their money for themselves, and that if there's nothing left when they go then good on them. The other kids (at least two of them) have continually sponged off of Mom and Dad for all their lives. That's how I know there will be problems. Many of you know the type, and also know that whatever they get is never good enough.

- Regarding getting a copy of the will and communicating with the siblings, that's a no-go on both counts. That's not something Mom will do and I haven't had any contact with the fractious ones since Dad died and I'd had enough of their bullshit. All siblings are from the same marriage.

- Mom's strong suits are emotions and feelings not logic and reason. For those of you that know women like that you will understand. From experience I know what's possible with her and what will be disregarded out of hand.


I think this answers all the questions asked of me so far. If somebody could explain to me how to do nested quotes I'll try that in the future as it'll probably make my responses more clear as to what's being answered.

Edit to add:
My concern isn't about the assets or how they're divided. Like I said, I've told my parents to spend their money on themselves. My expectation has always been to receive nothing but maybe a personal item or two that bring back fond memories. I really don't care about the money, car, house, etc., so I'm not interested in what's in her will or having the others informed and kick up a hornet's nest while Mom is alive. She's in no condition to get the calls, questions, and haranguing that I know will come so I'm fine with her living as peacefully and quietly as possible now and dealing with the fallout later. She chose to keep the contents of the will private, so that's how it will remain.

All I want is to avoid having to deal with personal attacks done through the legal system after she is gone. From a couple of responses, it sounds like I'll be alright in that regard but I will start searching for a good attorney as a precaution.

My wife's Godmother told her that she and her cousin would be Co-Executors of her Will . BAD decision . The Godmother and the cousin lived in California , we live in Louisiana .My wife said all of her adult life her Godmother told her that there would only be three heirs and she was one of them . When the Godmother passed her cousin sent her a copy of the Will and there was nothing for her . Her cousin's wife is a Paralegal at a Law Firm ..That's a shady bunch over there .

quote:

Originally posted by marksman41:
I'm the executor of my mother's will and am looking for advice and what to expect when that time comes which, unfortunately, appears to be not far off as her health is rapidly declining.

I'm very sorry she and you are going through this. I hope her passing is peaceful.

My father passed suddenly in July 2020 leaving me as the responsible adult but not the executor, but very involved in resolving the estate (and a special needs trust for a disabled sibling I am now guardian of).

If your mother is in a care home, they can provide you information about funeral homes and what legal hoops there may be where you live. Fwiw, everybody was incredibly helpful and kind to me when my father passed, and that was in NYC where I was expecting the opposite.

Things you need to be aware of:

- Your state laws will be similar to but not the same as elsewhere, so you need to understand your local laws, ie take comments from all of us with a grain of salt!

- You really need to know where the original ink-signed will is. That is the only one that matters. Photocopies are not valid even if nobody contests anything.

- The most recent original ink-signed will is the one the court will use. So if you don't have the current will but an older will exists, the older will is the one the court recognizes. Be sure you understand that. If there are out of date wills floating around, destroy them or write "Superceded" on them. Old wills might be helpful in proving her current will is consistent with what she wanted for many years, so having copies of old wills can be good in preventing challenges to her current will. But you must secure the the current original ink-signed and notarized Will!

- You will need original official death certificates and whatever the court issues to you as executor (Letters Testamentary) to deal with any of her finances. Her bank accounts, investments, selling her home, accessing her safe deposit box, etc. Things like life insurance, social security, and the funeral home will need an official death certificate but not Letters Testamentary. Bottom line, get a bunch of those official death certificates, not just one or two.

- Most court related activity will be online these days. It wouldn't hurt to look at your state's court website to become familiar. For small estates and simple wills, the process is actually pretty easy and all online where I live.

- If your mom lives alone, it is possible you will be locked out of her home when she passes. Power of Attorney dies when the person dies, so POA may not save the day. Depending on the situation, people may be reasonable and let you in to take care of things. But, in my case, the NYPD locked me out until I had a court order. This was during covid, and I live in Utah, so it was a hugely inconvenient situation. Be sure you have a current key to her place, and think about if you might talk with a building manager or care home management ahead of time so they know who you are. My father was in an apartment building and died in his apartment, so management there knew, and they were bound by the law. If your mom is in an apartment or condo, you might be in the same situation. Only people on the lease are legally allowed access because the law worries you might be stealing stuff.

- You should really know what is in the will because you are executor. It is reasonable to ask your mom to see the will. People can be funny about things and she may not say yes, but it is a reasonable thing for you to know ahead of time what it says.

- If the assets are significant (something like several hundred thousand or more), and if she is still in good mental condition, having a trust can make a lot of sense. This needs a good qualified local attorney, not a website! Wills go through probate and take a lot of time. My father's will is still in limbo after 2+ years! Trusts are sort of like a corporation which owns the assets but it is controlled by the Trustee, which would be your mom. When she dies, a new person she has designated (probably you) becomes Trustee, but the Trust still owns the assets. The Trust says the same things her will would, e.g. how much each person's share is. Then you, the Trustee, disperse the proceeds as directed by the Trust document but without any court or probate. It may not make sense at this point for your mom to create a Trust, idk, but I am a big proponent of Trusts rather than a Will for a lot of reasons prior to my father's passing.

- My wife and I have a provision in our trust which says anyone who contests the trust immediately is excluded from getting anything. Perhaps your mom could have something like this put into her will.

- It is possible her attorney would sit down with you for little or no $ for a brief overview of her will and explain how things are processed where you live. Ideally you would take a copy of her will in with you.

- Do not trust that the original copy of her will is in a lawyer's vault!!! I cannot stress this enough. We went through this with my father's will. If your mom's will is at the lawyer's office, I would seek to get physical custody of it now, and put it somewhere you know is completely safe. Maybe a fireproof safe at home. At the very least, insist on physically seeing it at the lawyer's office with her ink signature to prove they have it, and to verify it is the current version.

- Empty her safe deposit box now. When she passes, her box gets sealed. Power of attorney is void, so you will not have access. If her will is in there, well now you'll be petitioning the court to open the box to find her will. A big hassle, plus you pay for each document filed with the court, so it costs you money. Nobody should have a safe deposit box.

- My experience-based advice is for you to document everything you do, but do not give that documentation to anyone until forced to. Being the Nice Guy, trying to be above board, trying to be fair, trying to have fully open books is not going to reduce any nastiness!

- You are entitled to some fair compensation as executor. Your state may prescribe it, or maybe your mom put something in the will. Take it! Your time is worth money, and whatever you get will be far less than what an attorney would charge to do it.

- As executor you have responsibility to steward the estate, but not to squeeze every last penny out of it. That is, you can't sell valuables for far less than they are worth, but you can sell them for a reasonable price quickly rather than go to extreme efforts to get absolute top dollar. This may be where some of the grief will come from the Fractious Three. They'll maybe say you didn't get the best price for the house, or you could have done something different with her investments. Using professionals may be best even though you pay them. e.g. I wouldn't sell a home myself, I'd use a real estate agent even though the agent gets a commission.

- If there are things your mother wishes to go to specific people, get that taken care of now. Either give things away now, or be sure it is clearly documented what her desires are. Video her saying it, or get a notarized amendment to her will if they are valuable (like a car or a bag full of diamonds). If it is low $ value sentimental stuff, try to get her to give it away now.

quote:

Originally posted by marksman41:
- I didn't know that I was supposed to be privy to the contents of the will. When I took Mom to the estate attorney's office there was a lot of discussion about wills, trusts, etc., and when it came time to actually create the document the attorney asked me to wait in the lobby and he and my mother made the will. I never asked her about the will and really don't care to know until it's read. It's her choice and I'll abide with her wishes.

First, IANAL, but I was the Executor for my Father's Estate. He was a widower as my Mom had passed away seven years earlier. Anyway, don't read too much into being asked to 'wait in the lobby' when the will was created. It was the same for me as well, though my Father was in a rehab facility at the time it was done, so I waited out in the hall. My understanding is that this prevents any undue influence when establishing the content of the will, and the purity of the circumstances under which it was signed. The Attorney drawing up the will is serving the client, your Mom, and in doing so, ensuring the legality/validity of the will, which in turn, protects you from any nefarious accusations by the other siblings. It is NOT to prevent you from knowing in advance what is in the will and as Executor, it is to your benefit to be aware of the specifics.

I wish you strength and peace as you ultimately deal with the decline and loss of your Mother.

My one statement to the other 3 would be..."the more you want to involve lawyers, the less there is to divide".

quote:

Originally posted by marksman41:
- I don't know what constitutes "substantial" when it comes to assets but there's a house, about $100k in savings, a car, and various items in the house but nothing of any value other than memories. The deed to the house is in my name with her on it as a protection for her so that I couldn't sell it out from under her and leave her homeless. The attorney suggested it and I wanted it as well, not that I would do anything nefarious but rather to keep everything above question.

I see you posted more info. I won't go back and change my reply but obviously some of it doesn't apply.

But what you wrote in the quote above worries me. Idk what the legalities will be when she passes but it is now complicated. You may own half of it legally, which means half of any profit would be yours, which means you pay income taxes on that profit from the viewpoint of the IRS. It also is a potential conflict with the other siblings.

Be sure to consult with a tax person. Your mom's attorney might be helpful, but you might need a tax oriented professional rather than an estate oriented professional.

Just make sure you cover your own bases on this one so you don't get hosed financially somehow.

quote:

Originally posted by Aglifter:
“How do I remove my own appendix…”

Call the lawyer who did your mother’s will, and talk it over with him.

If he cannot, find another estate attorney in your area.

You are in a situation where a tiny amount of work now, can head off lots of issues later. This is when you should call a lawyer.

To properly answer your questions, you need a long conversation with a lawyer, not your internet friends. You have asked for a lot of information.

Your siblings may think they want to contest the will, but not getting what you want is not a valid basis to do so. They will probably need lawyers, who may well dissuade them from bringing silly will contests. If they bring it themselves, your lawyer (and you will need one) will get any without merit dismissed fairly easily.

The size of the estate alone would make a will contest somewhat silly. There isn't enough there to make litigation over the will worthwhile, and it will cost them a lot of money to bring claims.