I got a call and while I don't want to mention too many details, this person said that I told her things that don't sound like something I would have said. She also mentioned that I convinced her to lie about something. Seeing that I don't condone such behavior, I can't believe that I would have tried to convince another person to sin.

I don't have issues with memories. I remember back to 2 years old when my brother was brought home from the hospital. I remember every phone number I've ever had and even remember my long dead grandparents' phone numbers. I remember who sat across from me in kindergarten. I remember childhood shenanigans and conversations with my cousins. More recently, I remember my first date with my wife and what we talked about. I remember being angry about being ripped off at my last job. I just mention those things so that you don't think I have a gap in my memory for more recent things. What I'm saying is I believe my memory to be sound but I have no recollection of the instances mentioned in the phone call today. If I am forgetting, there is an unexplained gap in my memory. I can say for sure that this person that called today has told me in the past that I said things that I'm sure I did not. Also, I have no other person in my life that has ever accused me of saying things that I know I didn't, only this one person.

I can't decide if it's gaslighting or I just don't remember. I guess that's how gaslighting works because I sure am questioning my own reality in this case.

Block her number. Unremember her existence.

I would just put that person on ignore. Sounds like they are hearing what they want to hear, and blaming their bad behavior on you. Makes them feel better. They are a victim, because you made them do X or say Y.

"I sure am questioning my own reality in this case."

Yeah, that's how it works.
When you start questioning your known behaviors and morals being suggested that you compromised them, unless you drank heavily or smoked too much dope, she is gaslighting you.

It's incremental.



There's more lawns in the sea.

Run and don't look back.

From what I read that is a clear attempt at manipulation. Does not seem sophisticted enough to be termed gaslighting. BTW have you ever seen the movie where the term comes from?? Classic 1944 noir thriller

As Admiral Akbar said:

IT'S A TRAP!

The term “gaslighting” actually comes from a 1938 play, “Gas Light” (which was turned into a more widely known movie in 1944, “Gaslight”), where a husband manipulates his wife to make her think she's actually losing her sense of reality so he can commit her to a mental institution and steal her inheritance. (Ingrid Bergman)

Typically a yellowish flame and found in a gaslamp.

That wouldn't work on me. I'm so absent-minded I can forget something from one minute to the next. So if somebody insists I said or did something I'm as like to say "Well, I don't recall that, but if you insist..." and carry on.

It's hard to gaslight somebody who already knows they have a tenuous grip on reality

Without knowing the situation I think I would be inclined to ensure said person doesn't have the opportunity to remember you saying something you didn't say by ceasing to speak with them.

quote:

Originally posted by LS1 GTO:
Typically a yellowish flame and found in a gaslamp.

Finally!

A few of thoughts.

One, everybody has their own reality. It is expected you will remember some things about events or conversations which others either don't recall or have different memories of. Memories are encoded when there is an emotional aspect, whereas average stuff is forgotten. I totally do not remember what my wife and I talked about two weeks ago at dinner. But I do remember emotionally charged events. You may not recall conversations because they were unremarkable to you. Someone else may have taken something different from the event and remembers it.

A damaged person, perhaps this woman is one, interprets and remembers things differently than others. She may have inferred things which were not what you said. She may have interpreted them as "bad" or "unpleasant" and remembers them that way, when they were nothing of the sort.

Finally, some people completely rewrite history in their minds. Soon after those conversations she may have shrugged and said they were normal and pleasant, yet now she has reinvented new memories.

Her reality is what it is to her, correct or not factually. Either she mistook something the wrong way or she has created a whole new web in her mind.

Some people are so broken that they have to make you the bad guy, and they believe the things the say about you. Distorted thought processes.

You are best to run like your ass is on fire from people like this.

Simple answer:

That bitch be crazy.

Or shes trying to run a con on the OP

quote:

Originally posted by Blume9mm:
Simple answer:

That bitch be crazy.

If you tell yourself a lie enough, you believe it. She sounds like the type of person to no longer associate with.

I have kept out the fact that this is a family member as I didn't want to color your replies. I have been letting the phone ring instead of picking up but it may be hard to completely cut this person out as I feel I have a biblical duty in this case. It sure would be easy to block all calls though.

Nothing wrong with you taking control of your side of the relationship.

You can set firm boundaries and criteria for the relationship and let her choose to comply or do without.

That does not impinge on your honor.



I will wager you do not have "WELCOME" tattooed on your back.

You're a pretty smart cookie.

Here is one way you can tell gaslighting is occurring.

Without details, but with thread content only, is the person gaslighting OR is the person seeking to eliminate her self-induced pain?

If gaslighting is a way to manipulate a person towards the gaslighter's benefit, I don't see how your speaking to her or encouraging her to lie in any way manipulates you to her benefit. So, is it gaslighting?

I can see how a person who is disappointed with her own behavior might attempt to assuage her own conscience by finding a reason for her behavior. If the cause was you, then the disappointment she feels has a cause, and the potential guilt she feels lessens.

If you agree to her premise that you said, and you encouraged, she benefits.

Her continuing calls also suggest some intensity of feeling, as well as a reluctance to resolve this in person (distance unknown between you, of course). Something in her life went wrong.

I would attempt, if appropriate, to move the conversation to counseling about the pain, rather than arguing about the information she presents.