My oldest kid is one step away from understanding that actions have consequences. I’m just not willing to put up with his lack of emotional control. I’m at the point where I’m just not giving a fuck anymore. It might mean losing my wife too but I think I’m willing to accept those terms also. I am not willing to deal with his bullshit much longer. Any legal process I need to go through? The ungrateful self centered prick is not going to ruin my life while living under my roof. Autism or no autism, you live under my roof you live by my rules. At 21 if you don’t like it, you know where to send the Christmas card. I’m sick of his bullshit.

What are some particulars? 21? Job/school? Sounds like a bad attitude.

I’d still try to do a little steering before dropping the hammer, sounds like it’s already downhill. Those decisions made at 18, 20, 22 have a large effect on where one is at 35. I’m not just talking about making the most $$ either.

If there’s little direction, does he have the mindset to join the National Guard or Active Duty??

Not trying to pass the problems onward, just getting the fire lit.

As a parent I’m so much more willing to help in a multitude of ways if they’re deserving.

The younger son came for a visit in Nov from the military, had an incident in Chicago traffic, Tesla pushed into him. I did my thing, Tundra fixed up, paid the $4k bill.

Thankfully, no. My oldest moved out on her 18th birthday and joined The Marines. She's been on her own and self-sufficient ever since. My youngest is 15 and he's got career ambitions as a structural engineer in the hopes of designing roller coasters.

My son's elementary school teachers and speech therapists tried to tell us he was on the spectrum early on and we didn't buy into that bullshit. I worked hard at just creating dialogue and situational conversation until he was able to communicate like a normal person. Within two years nobody brought up autism ever again. All the adults in our church today tell me they can actually have an adult conversation with him, which seems to be rare for other teens. He connects more with young adults in the campus ministry more than the high schoolers.

Sorry for your family situation. The holiday season seems to intensify family issues.

Tony.

I doubt he’d be able to do military service. But at 21 he thinks he’s right and everyone else can fuck off. He is the reason I never enjoyed football. The game itself is okay, I can’t stand the obnoxious fucking fans. They act like drunk frat boys. He can go act like that at his own place. Although I doubt he’d can afford to move out, that is now his problem, not mine. I’m no longer willing to put up with his shit. And believe me, family members would call the cops on me for handling the situation the way fathers would have when I was growing up.

I only have one child and I made it clear that as long as she lived under my roof she would do what i told her or move out. She lived with us until she was 27 and followed our rules the entire time. I gave no leeway to her and she knew I would kick her out if needed.

I have had people tell me that I am too harsh, my ex bosses wife being one of them. Her daughter ended up dropping out of Texas A&M and moving in with a much older man and living in a trailer.

I have friends and acquaintances who have adult children still living with them, not working, sucking up food and money and living however they want with no respect to the parents. I expected my child to go to college, trade school or find full time work (and pay room and board) at 18 while living with me. I charged my daughter room and board (which was a percentage of what she made) so she knew what it would be like to move out and live on her own.

Too many parents let their kids live at home and mooch off of them. That teaches the kids nothing about life and hurts them in the end. I have seen when kids never move out, mooch off the parents that then cannot fend for themselves. The parents pass and the child cannot survive since they were coddled their entire life.

You are not helping your child by enabling them and letting them walk over you. They cannot do that anywhere else and need to learn now before they become the problem of others.

It is tough if your wife is not on board. I hope you can work it out with her. Ultimately all of us have to take orders and listen to others/follow rules. That is life and it is better to learn that early.

First, I am sorry for your family situation. I am fortunate that I have not been in that situation. I currently have 3 adult children living under my roof all saving money. The cost of rent in my area is more than my mortgage payment. My youngest just finished her masters degree and started her career this summer and my my future SIL has one more semester of law school which he was able to get through debt free while living in our guest suite. All have plans to move out next year, all have lived independently from us in the past. I would not put up with any of them here if they weren’t all joys to be around and respectful of our home. I left home for college at 17 and was completely independent at 19 as my parents had moved 800 miles away for work.

Sounds like you may have more going on than just a bad attitude. Even so, it’s not worth ruining your life over it. There are members on here that have dealt with these matters who may be able to help you navigate the resources available. As others have stated, the holiday season seems to amplify the stress. I wish you the best.

I have not had this issue fortunately, and I’m sorry you have to deal with it. And sorry to pile on, but as ridiculous as it seems, you will most likely have to legally evict him. As in give 30 day written notice to vacate and go to court if he refuses.

Now if you tell him you want him out, and he voluntarily leaves, that’s great. I just don’t want you to get jammed up by just changing the locks, etc.

Often this brings on problems with the spouse, they may not see things the same way. In general, women are a little softer, more likely to think things will turn around.

In the first place, I’m very sorry that you are dealing with this. I only have a 7 year old daughter and haven’t had to deal with anything like you describe so I cannot offer any advice in that area. What I can say is that if you do need to kick your son out of the house, at least in NY and I have to believe IL would be the same way, you will need to have a court ordered eviction to legally force him out of the house. As a former uniformed police officer I’ll say this happens more often than one might think, and the only way for you to come out on top from a legal perspective is to have a court ordered eviction. I do wish for the best for you as I can’t imagine how difficult this situation must be for you.

Sorry to hear 400m. The sooner the better. He needs to get established on his own. It is a little late now and probably like so many, is ill equipped. But he is going to have to figure it out.
I would be careful not to pay for everything once he is moved out. That will be a continuation of him not learning and growing in terms of a successful adulthood.

Your wife needs to ask the question to herself. "Why are so many adult male children living at home after 18"?

Answer: Because their mothers want them too.

It is weird, creepy and unnatural. And she needs to come to grips with that.

I wish you the best

The eleven year old living here is on the spectrum and has other problems as well, I've been seeing the OP's issue coming my way for a while. As I type I can hear the GF telling him to eat his breakfast for the thousandth time.

My question is why are you waiting for 21? Seems like three extra years of BS...which I can completely relate to, so why do that to yourself?

If it means saving your sanity its time to show him the door. I lived at home with my patents for quite a while but I respected them and honored their rules. They enjoyed having me there especially as they got older A friend of mine put his son out at 18, kid was being disrespectful and rebellious so out he went. They now have a better relationship now that he's out of the house than they did when he was living there.

I kicked my disabled sister out.

Same reasons - manipulative behavior.

I did or should say my wife and I did. It was a couple year journey till we got to the point. Not going to air out all my laundry here but my oldest son messed up in college and came close to jail time. Moved back in to get himself right. I didn't use the courts. When he came home I had printed out a letter that he signed that stated he was staying at our house as a guest and we could kick him out at anytime. Had him sign it at a notary. I don't know the legality's of the document but whatever he thought it was legit. My son had a job, was still at home, but disrupting the rest of the family. Had two daughters at home too. After we finally had enough, my wife and I where waiting for him to come home after work. Told him you can't live here anymore, It's not that we don't love you, your a shitty roommate, pack your shit, get out, or I'm calling the police. He was stunned to say the least. I made/watched him pack his stuff and load it in his car. He asked where am I to go. I told him I don't know, call a friend, call a coworker, get a hotel, or sleep in your car. That isn't my problem. That was 2.5 years ago he was 25. He's currently renting a one room flat attached to a single family house. It isn't easy my friend, there was some sleepless nights worrying about him until he found a place to stay. I still worry about him as I'm sure every parent does. Hray. You can email me if you like.

Start by taking away any financial help whatsoever. You pay his phone turn it off, you pay his insurance, stop, etc. etc. etc.

You mentioned Autism. Where on the spectrum is your son? I would hope that you're factoring this into your reasoning.

In any event, I'll pray you and your family.

JP

He has Asperger’s and ADHD. It makes him sort of gullible which is why I’d be worried anbout people taking advantage of him. And yes, the wife is willing to just put up with his shit because she’s a mother. I can’t fault her for that. I am not. I have ADHD so I understand it can be a bit more difficult but I will not tolerate disrespectful behavior.

Someone asked why I was waiting until he is 21. He is 21, struggles with math at college which is why he can’t continue on, and is too damned stubborn to accept help with a tutor. For fucks sake I hate airing out my laundry here but I just don’t want go off half cocked and feel like a dumbass later for not have weighing my options. Members here genuinely seem to offer helpful advice. Thank you.

Now it seems the wife is blaming me for getting loud and pissed off over the kids behavior this morning. This is getting to be a bit much to share with the world so I’m gonna drop it here. Thanks for all the suggestions.

All I have to add is you might have to go through the eviction process with your County Courthouse since he can claim residence.

I don't know if I was quite where you're at now, but close. My son was probably 17, in high school. He was suspended from school for three days, you guessed it, disrespectful.

First thing I did was take him to the pediatrician’s office to make sure he wasn't suffering from a physical malady. He was not.

Second, I considered admitting him to some sort of 30 day treatment program for bad attitudes. Those options were limited. However, he had a grandmother locally that would love to have him. She’s no picnic, but if anybody could whip him back into shape; it’d be her. Besides, it got him out of the house. It was mutually agreed between me, wife and Mom he’d spend a week there.

He called home the next day, talked to his mom and begged to come back. She asked me, but knew the answer. He ended up spending the week and he was better behaved when he got back.

If he’d have been 21 instead, I’d probably be thinking along the lines you are now. My advice would be too not make the decision in anger or haste. Be in agreement with the wife. Tell him that you and his mother have decided the time has come he become a man, grow up and move out. If you’re feeling particularly charitable, you could afford to give him a week’s notice or the end of the month, whatever you think is appropriate.

A realization will set in he’s fucked up. You need to maintain your resolve; this will be increasing difficult for the wife. Remind her you both made this decision and it will be for the best. He may exhibit much improved attitude; good, it’s working already.

In all likelihood, he is woefully unprepared for what lies ahead. If he asks for advice, give it freely. If he asks for money, that’s the growing up part. This has happened to a many a family at that age. It’s difficult but will pass. You have my prayers this transition is smooth and without drama.