A guy picks up a waitress from a Chinese restaurant and takes her home with him. They've been going at it hot and heavy when he says, "Ya know, I wouldn't mind a little 69 right now."

She replies, "What? You want Beef with Broccoli now?

A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because "it’s a lot of money." After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president’s office. The bank president then asked how much she would like to deposit.

She replied, "$165,000.00." and dumped the cash out of her bag on to his desk. The president was of course curious as to how she had come by all this cash, so he asked her, " Ma’am, I’m surprised you’re carrying so much cash around, Where did you get this money?" The old lady replied, " I make bets." He then asked, " Bets? What kind of bets?" The old woman said, " well for example, I’ll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square." "Ha", laughed the president, " that’s a stupid bet. You could never win that kind of bet."

The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?" "Sure," said the president, "I’ll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square."The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is so much money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 am as a witness?" "Sure" replied the president. That night, he became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror checking his balls, turning form side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.

The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president’s office. She introduced the lawyer and repeated the bet. "$25,000 says the president’s balls are square." The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them. "Well, Okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure."

Just then he noticed the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The president asked the old lady, "What the hell’s the matter with your lawyer?" She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 am today, I’d have the bank of Canada’s president’s balls in my hand.

What did the fish say when it hit his head on the concrete? Dam!

Why do girls prefer 77 over 69?
Cuz they get "8" more.


How do your get a girls toes to curl in bed?
Leave her pantyhose on.

How do you make a venetian blind? You poke him in the eye.

Two missionaries are in the cannibals stew pot when one of them starts giggling. The one asks "How can you laugh at a time like this?" The other one replies "I just pee'd in their soup".

•I recently went to my 30th class reunion from nursery school.

I didn't want to go because I've put on maybe 90 or 100 pounds since then.



•Cockroaches are found to be capable of surviving a nuclear holocaust, yet one swat with a newspaper and it would die.

Shows how toxic the media is.



•When I was a young boy, my mother would send me to the store with only one dollar and I would come back with:
- Five potatoes
- Two loaves of bread
- Three bottles of milk
- A hunk of cheese
- A box of tea
- Six eggs
You can't do that today....too many damn security cameras!

A priest, a hooker, a horse, and a parrot walk into a bar.

The bartender looks at them and asks, "What is this? Some kind of a joke?"

What did General Washington say to his men before crossing the Delaware?
"Get in the boat."

Q- Whats black, gray and white and rolls around in the McDonalds parking lot?
A- Mr.T and a Pidgeon, fighting over a French Fry!

Why did the bus stop in the middle of the forest?
To let the lumberjack off.

A group of cannibals have two circus clowns in their stew pot. One of the cannibals steps up to the pot, dips a spoon into the warming liquid and sips the broth. He hands the spoon to a cannibal standing beside him and says, “Does this taste funny to you?”

Cannibal had an upset stomach. He had insurance, so he was able to make an appointment with the witch doctor, who asked him what he had eaten.

"That missionary who was hanging around here."

"How did you cook him?"

"Traditional family recipe, boiled him in the big iron pot."

"That was the missionary with the rope for a belt, and the bald spot? And you boiled him?"

"Yup."

"Dumbass. He was a friar."

What is the fastest you can go while having sex??

68

At 69 you must stop to turn around...

A blond woman has her convertible damaged by a hail storm. So she takes it to the body shop to see about fixing it. The body shop guys tell her to go home, let the car cool down and then blow hard into the tail pipe. This they said would blow the dents out.
So off she goes and in a few hours is in the driveway blowing in the tail pipe. Her male neighbor who was also a blond walks over and asks here what she is doing. She tells him what the body shop guys told her. Well the guy just shakes his head and says you are the type that gives all of us blonds a reputation for being stupid!She says why? He says well for starters you have the top down and you are letting all the pressure out!

2 non-cannibals in the jungle decide give cannibalism a try so they kill a missionary and cook him up. Never having done this before they decide that each one will start at a foot and they'll work their way up together.

As the one reaches the calf meat he says "wow, this is actually really great."

His partner says "yeah, I'm having a ball!"

The first one says "hey, you're eating too fast!"

What's the difference between a pick pocket and a peeping tom?

A pick pocket snatches watches.....

What do you call a dog with no front or back legs?

Doesn't matter he cant come when you call him....

What do you call an Oriental girl with one leg?

Iween.....

Why don't cannibals eat clowns?

They taste funny.

What do you call 4 Mexicans standing in quicksand?


"Quattro Cinco"

Whats the difference between an epileptic oyster shucker and a whore with diarrhea?

One shucks between fits.

How do you make your wife scream when you're making love?

Call her and tell her where you are.