quote:

Originally posted by ZSMICHAEL:
I might add that your friend sounds like the sort of individual who likes to brag about how he has no feelings for others. I think he believes this makes him a macho guy. Sociopaths do not behave in the way you describe. Developmentally he sounds like a teenager.

That was my thoughts.
You're in a social gathering, everyone is have a pleasant time and he gets into a conversation about dogs and putting them down, with a position that is perhaps inarticulate; comes off as course or, cold. Its one thing to be over-the-top sympathetic to somebody's hardship but, he enters the conversation as a contrarian to the topic, then he attempts to tie it in with his parents, and what he would do. Again, he has to make a statement, a 'you know what I would do...' type of declaration, that nobody asked for.

Some people aren't very good in social settings, they end up being too loud, boastful, boorish, they're 'that guy' at the party, eventually everyone moves away from him or, they end up self-isolating themselves and leave the party. Emotionally he sounds like he hasn't grown-up or, is unable to read the room. How much alcohol was drunk?

I’d probably mentioned in passing that must suck not to be able to empathize with your fellow humans.

quote:

How much alcohol was drunk?

Actually OP won't even know this with certainty and that was first contributing factor that occurred to me. Some folks are brazen assholes with a bit o' the brown liquor in 'em....

I should clarify that he wasn’t coming off as a brazen asshole. He was, well, seemed like he wanted to admit this to people to see if it was just him. When I said the comment came out of nowhere I didn’t mean like a jerk. Sort of like, “for some reason I don’t care when dogs die…” and then on to the rest.

None of the other suggestions about him fit his personality. He’s a happy drunk when we’ve partied. He’s helpful and seems to genuinely care. I swear it was like a confession of sorts.

No he is not a sociopath, just a friend who is an asshole (and doesn't admit to his feelings). A true sociopath knows how to keep their mask on at all times and it is only the little leakage that alerts others. Usually it is not verbal comments but body language and out of sync responses that make the hair on the back of your neck stand up. As for the dogs dying comments, I have known lots of people who feel that way, from dog owners, K9 handlers and dog breeders (some don't do the genetic screening for preventable diseases because "a dog is going to die because of something eventually").

Guys just watch a few minutes of the Iceman interview. This guy is a sociopath. He did not kill for drugs or money or revenge. He is a true predator.

Is he an asshole for having these feeling (or not having) when he isn’t an asshole in any other way?

It may be as simple as him having an event in his past that has resulted in him disconnecting his emotion of death/loss. It is not unheard of, and it is not necessarily an indication that he does not care about such things, only how he reacts/deals with them.

If he is a decent human and kind, then I would embrace him as a friend and not overthink it.

You never know if the "disconnect" is suddenly "connected" and having a good friend if it does, would be important to him.

quote:

Originally posted by frayedends:
I should clarify that he wasn’t coming off as a brazen asshole. He was, well, seemed like he wanted to admit this to people to see if it was just him. When I said the comment came out of nowhere I didn’t mean like a jerk. Sort of like, “for some reason I don’t care when dogs die…” and then on to the rest.

None of the other suggestions about him fit his personality. He’s a happy drunk when we’ve partied. He’s helpful and seems to genuinely care. I swear it was like a confession of sorts.

In that case, you think he may have said what he said, to get a rise out of everyone...see who reacts?

Or, he seemed to have thought about this, meaning he had really considered everything and when the right conversation fit, he regurgitated it?

There's actually a name for this: "absent grief". There's not a lot known about this condition. It's not necessarily considered a pathology, and certainly not necessarily a reflection of a person's character. Psychologists originally theorized this as a form of "complicated grief" stemming from denial or avoidance of the emotional realities of the loss. More recent thought places it in a separate category altogether.

Your friend has an unusual but not unique way of processing tragedy. It's more common than you might think. Also, the fact that he wanted to bring all this out in the open says something in itself.

Absent Grief

quote:

Originally posted by jhe888:
There is an actual sociopathy scale - but it is meant to be used by people with knowledge and experience.

My family law clients often want to diagnose their spouse with some psychological pathology. I remind them to leave that to the professionals and that us laymen don't have the expertise.

I am sure what you say is relevant, but all alone, it isn't enough for a diagnosis.

John, I feel your pain. If I have another armchair psychologist client tell me their spouse has borderline personality disorder I’M going to have a mental health disorder!

quote:

Originally posted by Rey HRH:
I said I don't subscribe to the idea of prolonging my dogs' lives just for my pleasure of their company. I would rather let nature take its course or hurry it up for them.

On the opposite end of the spectrum, I know a girl who is IMHO torturing her dog by prolonging its life. It has lived a full dog lifespan but has reached its end. Its owner, the girl, is paying upwards of $1K+ per month in medications & treatments, b/c she's too attached. Her dog is no longer mobile or active and has to be fed through a tube.

quote:

Originally posted by jsbcody:
No he is not a sociopath, just a friend who is an asshole ...

Somebody processing grief in ways that don't conform to what you feel to be social norms doesn't make them an asshole.

quote:

John, I feel your pain. If I have another armchair psychologist client tell me their spouse has borderline personality disorder I’M going to have a mental health disorder!

^^^^^^^^^
Yes. It seems to be the current trend. A clinical psychologist would need to conduct a thorough assessement over several visits to reach this conclusion. We are seeing the armchair shrinks in this thread doing the same with sociopathy. Absent grief is pop psychology as well. Dr. Phil, Springer and Oprah are to blame for this stupidity.

I have a friend who may be a toaster oven.

We keep feeding him bread but haven't yet gotten any toast back.

I'm beginning to think he's pulling our leg.

quote:

Originally posted by gearhounds:
A true sociopath doesn’t tell everyone what he’s thinking and how little he feels for the rest of the world. They are conniving, seemingly great folks that will do the exact opposite and try to convince you that they are wonderful, trustworthy people. It’s their actions that give them away. He does not fit the classical description.

I think this description trends more towards a psychopath.

quote:

Originally posted by parabellum:
I have a friend who may be a toaster oven.

We keep feeding him bread but haven't yet gotten any toast back.

I'm beginning to think he's pulling our leg.

Pronouns?

(Toast/Toastier/Toasted/Burnt/Pure Carbon) ?

quote:

Originally posted by valkyrie1:

quote:

Originally posted by Rey HRH:
I can understand and can relate to how he feels and I'm not a sociopath.


I didn't cry or had any emotions when my dad died. I had several years to prepare for it as he had Alzheimers. And since you see what dementia / Alzheimers do to people and those around them, you should understand why some would rather their relatives skip the slow prolonged process of dying.

. My father has dementia, he’s 98. Survived a German labor camp in WW2. Worked his butt off all his life to self educate and support his family. I just placed him in a memory care unit because my mom and I can’t properly take care of him. Breaks my heart and I wish he would pass because he doesn’t deserve to spend life like this… Im pretty sure Im not a psychopath. People deal with things differently.

Both of our dads are similar. Mine survived the Bataan death march and subsequent Japanese POW camp. After that, he did several rotations in the Korean War. Same as your dad, he was hard working. Even as Alzheimers started to set in without no one noticing and before I was able to pace him in a home, he would line up with the Mexicans on Army street who were waiting to be picked up as day laborers. Several times he got lost and the whole family had to go looking for him throughout the city. It was a miracle he wasn't abused or assaulted in the streets of San Francisco.

I had a friend's uncle who was old but not undergoing dementia. He didn't come home and when he was found, he wasn't coherent and never recovered. He spent his remaining years in a bed.

quote:

Originally posted by frayedends:
Is he an asshole for having these feeling (or not having) when he isn’t an asshole in any other way?

What do you think?
He's YOUR friend, not ours. If YOU don't think he's an asshole, then he's not an asshole.


IIRC, there's a spectrum of phyco/sociopathic behavior.

I have had sociopathic friends. Eventually you figure it out and move on. CPD is correct there is a continuum.