Had a cookout this weekend with a few friends, some I see often and then some that aren’t as close but keep in touch. All of us are part of the same group really. Just not all in the close group.

Anyhow we were drinking a bit and the subject of one guy losing his dog came up. Out of nowhere this guy says he couldn’t give a shot about the dog. He goes on to say he loves dogs but doesn’t care when they die. Then it gets worse. He says he has zero empathy when people lose a loved one. He had no feelings when his father died. He loves his mom and she isn’t long for this world. He actually said he wants her to die due to her dementia. My mom has dementia so this sort of hit home to me.

The weird thing is this guy seems to be the most caring you’d care to meet. I hardly know him but when I needed help moving he showed up. He has pets and treats them well and his wife thinks he’s awesome.

How can someone care about everyone so much yet just not care about them when they die?

There is an actual sociopathy scale - but it is meant to be used by people with knowledge and experience.

My family law clients often want to diagnose their spouse with some psychological pathology. I remind them to leave that to the professionals and that us laymen don't have the expertise.

I am sure what you say is relevant, but all alone, it isn't enough for a diagnosis.

Sounds like he is putting on a front. Perhaps to sound solid and tough?

In reality, he probably loses it in private.

If he truly is bottling up hurt feelings, that isn't healthy.

Well, that obviously a statistically deviant behavior which makes him interesting from a diagnosing standpoint. Is it pervasive? Debilitating? All those things go into it.

Whatever the case, my first reaction to your story is that he is afraid of death, loss and separation.

Just might be the way he deals with death, might have been something traumatic when he was young and so he's developed this attitude as a way to shield his emotions.

Everyone deals with the situation differently.

quote:

There is an actual sociopathy scale - but it is meant to be used by people with knowledge and experience.

^^^^^^^^^^^
This. I might add that your friend sounds like the sort of individual who likes to brag about how he has no feelings for others. I think he believes this makes him a macho guy. Sociopaths do not behave in the way you describe. Developmentally he sounds like a teenager.

About the dementia thing - my mother-in-law had it bad. We had mixed feelings about her passing. Of course, we miss her, but it ate us up to see her not remembering and/or recognizing her own children. I can see why somebody would want to 'wish' their loved one, suffering with dementia, gone. I would never voice the feeling, but we all deal with grief differently. I am glad she is no longer suffering, and we were, in a very real sense, relieved at her passing. We had mixed feelings, of course. We were happy she was no longer suffering, but then felt guilty for being 'glad' she died. It is very complicated, and I honestly don't think that anybody can truly understand it who has not personally walked through this themselves.

Your friend is likely struggling with grief. Dementia is a cruel disease. It takes our loved ones from us one memory at a time. They are still physically there, but 'nobody is home' - I don't wish this on anybody. Normally, when a loved one dies, THEN we grieve. With dementia, the grieving starts before they actually pass away.

I can understand and can relate to how he feels and I'm not a sociopath.

When I first got my dogs 8 years ago, someone tried to sell me insurance for them. It didn't seem cost beneficial to me. The person asked what if my dogs got sick and i don't have the money to pay for their healthcare. I said, "I'll say goodbye then." They just had a vet visit. I was willing to pay for the $250 blood test for each of them. I figure just this once. The vet said it's important they get it yearly as they're at the age where lumps can grow. I said I don't subscribe to the idea of prolonging my dogs' lives just for my pleasure of their company. I would rather let nature take its course or hurry it up for them.

I didn't cry or had any emotions when my dad died. I had several years to prepare for it as he had Alzheimers. And since you see what dementia / Alzheimers do to people and those around them, you should understand why some would rather their relatives skip the slow prolonged process of dying.

If his wife truly thinks he's great, have pets and treat them well, go to gatherings, then I think chances are good that he's not a sociopath.

Maybe a psychopath? But even then, it's hard to fake a marriage and get your wife to love you.

He truly seems like someone that would go out of his way to help people. Seemed to me he cares a lot about the living but once gone it doesn’t matter. He is also basically an atheist that believes there is nothing after death. Perhaps that’s a factor on his feelings.

As for the dementia I get it. I don’t want my mom to suffer any longer. But I will be deeply hurt when she is gone.

I have to agree with TRIO.

A true sociopath has a number of characteristics on a list and has to have almost all of them. Most people with mental issues realize they have a problem and want to fix it. Psychopaths don’t, they know it’s everyone else that has a problem.
My late sister-in-law was married to one that ended up with an extensive criminal history and you won’t ever forget having that experience. Many are high IQ but due to their personality, have a lot of trouble throughout life and cause others a lot of trouble.
Strangely enough, many are successful people too although I would think not what most would consider normal.
Look up a doctor named Robert Hare. His work seems to be the standard in that field.

Robert Hare is one of many. Read the Mindhunter or some of the works of Park Dietz. The Dietz interview with the Iceman is on youtube. This guy is the real deal. Mafia hitman and stone cold killer.

I worked with some kind of path for a few years, but didn't learn until much later that he was a bona fide member. He was the most entertaining and charming person you could ever meet, but eventually he stabbed me in the back, more than once, and then left me in the dirt after he was done using me. This was in a technical professional employment setting. I'll never forget it. That guy was a true whatever kind of path. Looking back it's just creepy. That's how those people are, and my understanding is that for them it's as natural as breathing. I'm sure the "higher" one goes in business, the more chance you have of working with or for people like that.

Luckily I don't see or interact with this guy all that often. He is close friends with some of us, but lives too far away for constant contact.

I did not get that he was boasting or trying to sound tough. More sounded like some drunk admission he wanted to get off his chest. IDK. Just found it a bit odd and never really heard anyone say things like this.

There is a psychopath woman I've seen on YouTube... Interesting person. Smart as described above, not a criminal but describes herself openly. Found it very interesting. Let's see...here she is...

A true sociopath doesn’t tell everyone what he’s thinking and how little he feels for the rest of the world. They are conniving, seemingly great folks that will do the exact opposite and try to convince you that they are wonderful, trustworthy people. It’s their actions that give them away. He does not fit the classical description.

quote:

Originally posted by Rey HRH:
I can understand and can relate to how he feels and I'm not a sociopath.

When I first got my dogs 8 years ago, someone tried to sell me insurance for them. It didn't seem cost beneficial to me. The person asked what if my dogs got sick and i don't have the money to pay for their healthcare. I said, "I'll say goodbye then." They just had a vet visit. I was willing to pay for the $250 blood test for each of them. I figure just this once. The vet said it's important they get it yearly as they're at the age where lumps can grow. I said I don't subscribe to the idea of prolonging my dogs' lives just for my pleasure of their company. I would rather let nature take its course or hurry it up for them.

I didn't cry or had any emotions when my dad died. I had several years to prepare for it as he had Alzheimers. And since you see what dementia / Alzheimers do to people and those around them, you should understand why some would rather their relatives skip the slow prolonged process of dying.

. My father has dementia, he’s 98. Survived a German labor camp in WW2. Worked his butt off all his life to self educate and support his family. I just placed him in a memory care unit because my mom and I can’t properly take care of him. Breaks my heart and I wish he would pass because he doesn’t deserve to spend life like this… Im pretty sure Im not a psychopath. People deal with things differently.

Mother died of senile dementia. It was horrible to experience that creative, intelligent, loving mind slowly be lost. The worst part was knowing she knew what was happening to her. If I could have legally ended her life once the last spark was gone, I would have done so. As it was she lived two more years little more than a potted, root-bound plant.

As for him not caring, some people are wired differently.

It’s certainly possible. I believe I may know one or two..
You mentioned he was an atheist. That may be the key to his lack of concern. Also, some cultures have a very comfortable attitude towards death simply being part of the natural cycle of life; the U.S. culture I was raised in struggles with it.

A hardening of the heart? We see so much bullshit that is out of our control, I think it kind of numbs us.
I’ve wondered about myself a few times, correction, always wondering .
Lost my golden a couple of months ago. Best friend for twelve years! I completely lost it! Then got depressed. I still think I can hear his toenails on the floor, still look to the door thinking he wants to come in.
Nope, I think my emotions are normal.