Hi guys,

I really need to get these issues off my chest hoping I'd feel better.

First of all, I have been having mood swings lately. I'm always sad and worry about everything. I have two daughters, one in college and the youngest one is graduating next school year and she'll turn 18 this year. Their mom and I divorced in 2008. That was tough. Our house that we purchased had to be sold. I really felt bad for my kids but I always make the effort to be with them. They mean everything to me.

Few years later, I met this woman, we dated for a year and I remarried. I thought I found the same ne that I wanted to grow old with. She made me feel happy, almost everything is going just fine. Later, I started having back pains. After spending a great deal of time telling my health providers that there really is something wrong with me, they finally performed tests. I was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis, spine arthritis, osteoarthritis, sciatica and rotated pelvis. These issues put me into feeling worthless. But, I am still working full time plus OT. I managed to buy a decent house. I tried hobbies. I bought a fast car, music gear and firearms but I realized material things can't make me fully happy. I'm still a basket case. I know what is missing.

I'm always in pain. I forgot how it feels like to be pain free. There are times that I couldn't go to work and instead of her taking care of me, she makes me feel even worse. She doesn't understand what I have. I'm being accused of being a deadbeat but honestly, I provide everything. I couldn't remember the last time I received any appreciation from her. I can't figure out where, what and when did I go wrong. The thrill is gone. There's no intimacy, I'm always guilty before proven innocent. She became very vindictive and opinionated. I get accused of every crap that I don't even do. She's always mad when she talks to me. I tried to bring up my concerns but it was coming across as complaints, whining and I am paranoid.

Honestly, I go into survival mode and start having panic attacks on the way home. I cry before I go to sleep. I'm tired of trying to make this marriage work. She's not making any efforts. I feel happier being alone.

What should I do? I don't want a second broken marriage. I'm not getting any younger. Yet, I am convinced that living with her is not an option. I need to go on a stress leave and go somewhere. God help me. I am not a bad person.

Thanks guys

I think you should try to find some type of daily exercise you can do with your back issues. And find a professional to talk to about the depression. You're in my prayers.

RA can be a heavy burden. You don't need another, and you're not getting rid of RA anytime soon.

That said -- My advice first and foremost is exercise. I know this sounds goofy, but you need a routine that is focused on you, and the mobility and strengthening (and endorphins I believe) lower the effects of the RA and make the symptoms less. Diet too can play a part. But I'd focus on exercise to get your emotional state benefits as well.

Then, (I suppose) I'd recommend therapy. You alone for you, and if she's willing, maybe both of you together.

They ought to be able to dial in meds such that RA is more in the background than not. I would DEFINITELY seek a second opinion diagnosis and explore a second opinion treatment for the RA. It's WAY too big to chance that you got the exact right person the first time. Are you on Methotrexate and Biologics yet?

You need a specialist to address the RA and pain issues. Avoid pain management docs who push narcs.

As for the relationship, do you think she would be open to the idea of counseling? At lest a trial run? Are you Christians?

-Rob

It doesn't sound like you need advice, sounds like you need encouragement. It's pretty simple, you're not happy, she's not willing to work on it. What's going to be different tomorrow, next week, or ten years from now?

I'm the other side of the relationship. My girlfriend has multiple back problems. It's about all she can do to go to work where she works her ass off then comes home and works more. Leaving me to do all the cooking, cleaning, and yard work. Honestly it pisses me off sometimes. Unrightfully so, but it does sometimes. I actually get mad at her (not sure if that's the right word) because of her bad health. Even though she has zero fault in it. I don't act like your wife, but I can understand where she's coming from.

If she can't take the good with the bad, run. Feel zero shame about it. If you've given it your all there nothing else you can do. Our president is on his third wife, and I think he did alright. Don't let others perceptions, or your perceived perceptions stop you from being happy. This relationship sounds unhealthy.

Just some worthless free advice from a stranger on the internet. I hope you guys do work it out. But if it's the lost cause you made it appear to be, rip the bandaid off.

I see two issues. The first is the pain issue. If possible find pain management who uses limited narcotics. I see patients every day hooked on them by us. So while they have a place they are not long term. There are other medications out there and more on the way with the epidemic of narrative abuse out there. Also physical therapy is a big plus. It is easy to get depressed with chronic pain. With our society it is still seen as a weakness not an illness which it is and can be treated. Work with your PCP and seek specialists. This is a long fix not in a week or two so have realistic expectations. If your PCP is unwilling to work with you find a new one.

Second issues is your relationship with your wife. While all marriages have highs and lows counseling may be a good option. Sounds like you care for her and want to stay with her if so seek counseling. It may be resentment for lack of ability from your illness. It may be something else. A few counseling sessions may help bring to light what the true issue is.

It sounds as if you are in pain physically and emotionally. Very easy to slip down deeper if you don't get help. I've seen it and it is a vicious circle.

Wish you well and hope things can work out.

Jim

I have to add, that diagnosis troubles the hell out of me. This coming from a guy that had a handful of diagnosis (each doc as confident as the last) until I was diagnosed with RA. RA can be fairly conclusive with the right lab, but a lot of those other issues are maybe a bit less discreet data diags, no? Get that second opinion.

and figure out what you can do for exercise (run, walk hard, ride a bike, swim) and do it in a routine that you can stick with and develop and make a habit.

I have what is basically intermittent arthritis, stuff hurts like hell for 12-24hr and goes away or moves to another joint.

I started plaquenil 3 months ago and am more or less pain free.

Try some ashwagandra for the anxiety, it's natural and really does work.

And lose the dame, she's poison.

You are in my prayers. Pain sucks and exacerbates every other situation you face.

Sounds like you need to get as far away from this woman as possible. Yeah, it may suck to have to say that you've been divorced twice, but it has to be a hell of a lot better than staying married and putting up with the treatment you've been receiving. Also, you won't be alone. Keep in touch with your family and friends; let them provide the company you need. Being with someone who is completely unappreciative of the things you provide and unsympathetic to your obvious medical conditions is not worth the time. Best of luck in remedying your situation. We're all pulling for you.

Thank you all for support, this is just one of the reasons why I love this group. I just wish she decides to leave my life for good then I'd be very happy. I did try to convince her to go to counseling but she just got mad at me and then she tried to tell me that I belong to the nut house. No matter what I tried to say, I'm always wrong snd I'm the one with the problem and she's the little miss can't be wrong. I was indeed a very happy man when we started our relationship. At least I experienced what it felt like to have someone care for me at one point. Depression hurts and the spinal arthritis and RA are both evil.

I will try the exercise route and once again thank you guys for taking the time to make suggestions. You guys are appreciated.

I'm not sure what your religious beliefs are but I know my faith in Jesus kept me above water though some rough stuff. My faith is more than that but its the truth. For the RA, water exercise is probably your best bet to strengthen your muscles while taking it easy on your joints. If you need somebody to talk to, I'm happy to listen. I will be praying for you. As for the wife, RA may be hard her to understand. Those that have never had great/nagging pain have a hard time empathizing. Maybe bring her to your doctor visit?

I know that RA can be terrible to live with. I hope you can find relief.
As far as your spouse is concerned, you may wish to reset your thinking about relationships with women. I have and it changed my life for the better.

Prayer sent 350.

Trying to understand or evaluate others relationships, let alone our own. And over the internet via one side is well, useless.

I think in general, not always. But thinking that "if she was gone my life would be so much better". Is pretty unhealthy. Recognizing your roll in the relationship is a good place to start. I am not excusing her roll. But one person does not make for a bad situation usually.

Starting working on yourself and maybe things will start to get better or become more clear on the correct course of action.

Wish you both the best.

quote:

Originally posted by 350zee:
I'm always in pain. I forgot how it feels like to be pain free. There are times that I couldn't go to work...

You didn't mention anything about your fitness and general health, other than what's wrong with you. Are you otherwise relatively fit? (I.e.: Not overweight?) Good, balanced nutrition? (I.e.: Not a bunch of crap from fast "food" restaurants or out of cans and plastic bags?)

Have you yet seen a physical therapist who can show you how to mitigate as much of those problems as possible?

E.g.: I have sciatica. I've had sciatica for 30+ years, as a result of doing something stupidly. I work out. I stretch. I walk whenever and wherever practical. If I don't do these things, the sciatica will come back with a vengeance and put me down.

quote:

Originally posted by 350zee:
... and instead of her taking care of me, she makes me feel even worse. She doesn't understand what I have.

Many, many years ago, when I was in a supervisory position, I had an employee that suffered from sometimes debilitating back pain. Like many people, I simply thought her a hypochondriac or sloughing off.

Then came the sciatica. Brought me to my knees. Sometimes literally. Then I understood.

Point is: Nobody that's ever suffered any of these invisible problems can ever appreciate them.

quote:

Originally posted by 350zee:
... I am convinced that living with her is not an option.

Maybe. Others have suggested counselling. Dunno. It kind of sounds like she's not a very empathic personality. I presume she's aware you've been diagnosed with these things and aren't making them up. To me that doesn't bode well.

Maybe it would be best if you went your separate ways. A mate is supposed to be a comfort. You know: "In sickness and in health?"

My wife has a bad back. Very bad. As in: One wrong move and she's a paraplegic bad. So there's a lot she can't do, any more, which I or others must to for her. If it goes wrong and she ends-up wheelchair-bound then I guess I'll be building ramps and buying a van with a lift and pushing her around and stuff.

This is what true mates for life do.

"In sickness and in health."

It's what she'd do for me. Without so much as a whisper of a complaint. Because that's how she is. She's made me a better man by her example.

I'm a catholic. I used to weigh 155lbs prior to my back pain. I'm 170lbs now and I'm 5'7". I eat healthy, I don't drink nor smoke cigarettes. So, I have been living healthy all my life.

I have tried everything to get my marriage intact at this point and from what I've gathered, it is nott gonna happen. It is unfortunate. I'm 48 and with my health problems, I'm planning to retire at 55.

Thanks

So what meds are you on? MTX? HCQS (Plaquenil)? Enbrel?

I can't help with health advice. But it's time to leave the marriage. Those symptoms don't get better. I can tell by having been through similar things with my ex wife. We get along fine now but those things about her have not changed. If you have someone that resents you for your health issues they can only make life worse. If she truly loved you then it would be unconditional. I think unfortunately that kind of love is rare. But you will be better off alone than to suffer with someone that resents you.

If you have health insurance, mental health is one of the benefits. A licensed clinical psychologist in Washington would be of benefit to you. Many have clinical experience, treating chronic pain and RA as well. Call and get an appointment for yourself.

quote:

Originally posted by r0gue:
So what meds are you on? MTX? HCQS (Plaquenil)? Enbrel?

I am on Enbrel , sulfasalazine and Piroxicam and I also get thoracic nerve blocks every month.