My ex-wife left me in January of 2019. I took several months to work on myself saw a therapist and did some serious introspection. I started dating October of 2019. I haven't really gotten serious with anyone yet. Most of the relationships I have had since the divorce have really just been about sex.

My question is if I find someone and it is more than sex when is the right time to introduce her to my 8 year old daughter. I have 50/50 custody and our arrangement is a week on a week off. I don't go one dates the weeks that I have my daughter. My daughter has not met any of the women I have dated.

I took a female friend of 30 years to a football game at my alma mater last fall and my daughter was extremely jealous that I didn't take her to the game and that I was potentially romantically involved with a woman even though it is completely platonic.

I am just looking for insight from those that have been there and done that. I don't want to expose my daughter to a parade of woman but I also don't want to just drop a bomb on her that I am getting married. I know there is a healthy median I just don't know where that median is.

Just for more information my ex-wife is in engaged to the man she was cheating on me with.

I would date the same woman for 6 months, be sure it’s going somewhere then introduce your kid. No need to share that you are dating until then. At that point just say , “I want to let you know that I’ve been seeing someone and I’d like for you to meet her.” Then play it from there.

Our time frame is very similar. Only difference is my two girls are about ten years older. I took your approach with women. I was in no hurry to introduce any women to my kids. There really is no time frame, all kids are different. You'll know when its time.

On a side note, I wasn't prepared for women to be so aggressive sexually. Times sure have changed since I last dated thirty years ago.

After I got divorced, I was careful not to let my son (he was 10 at the time) meet anyone I dated until I thought he was ready for it. While I was being careful and trying to do the right thing, my ex had a live-in bf within 6 months of moving out. I didn't find out until a few months later. I had even asked my ex when she thought our son would be OK with each of us dating and she said "I don't know" which in retrospect means "I don't want to tell you".

So I was being careful, and my ex wasn't. If your ex is dating openly, nothing you do makes much of a difference, except being reasonably discreet.

Your daughter being upset that you took an old friend to a football game almost a year after the break up is unreasonable, but not atypical for a girl. She has to accept that it is your life and not her place to judge, unless the friend in question was negative to your daughter which does not appear to be a factor.

Dating enough to establish that it won't be a short time thing, and that you will be seeing each other regularly is the important thing. If you intend to stay with the person indefinitely and see no reason to avoid a long term relationship, it is probably OK for them to meet.

Then again, with 50/50 custody you could very well have a long term relationship during your "off" weeks, and keep your daughter mostly out of it. One person I know did that, and when the relationship failed, the child wasn't affected because there was minimal contact and no attachment. Of course, if you decide to cohabitate, then by all means, have her around your daughter for a month or two before the move-in to ease things.

In 8 years my son has met 2 women I dated and been around them on weekends and/or holidays. He met one other due to a timing overlap that was unintended, but just that one time, because it didn't go very far.

quote:

Originally posted by cobre sig:

On a side note, I wasn't prepared for women to be so aggressive sexually. Times sure have changed since I last dated thirty years ago.

Dude same thing happened to me. Sex on the first or second date is the norm and I have had woman ask for things I have taken men to jail for like being choked or smacked.

I haven’t had to confront this yet but let’s just say I’ve had reasons to seriously consider this problem.

For myself, it’s all about what’s best for the kids ( they are 13 and 17). It’s less about calendar time and more about not introducing them until Im sure she’ll be a part of my life for the foreseeable future in some capacity even if only as friends. Im also not in any place to want to “date” per se and definitely not interested in the whole hookup environment.

My big kid was 4 when I got divorced, and 6 before he met my GF or any girl I went out with. I dated a few women in between, but Matt didn’t meet my GF until we had been dating for about six months. When she did meet him it was a low key, hey buddy we’re going to the beach, (and this girl happened to be with me) he asked immediately if she was my GF and I told him yeah-are you ok with that? He said yeah-you should be happy dad.

His mom had a string of guys running thru his life since I divorced her and he ad already figured out the deal at age 6.

I wound up marrying the GF. And it’s been GTG since 99. The girl I met and dated seriously before her never met my kid even thought we had been together for about six months (I was in the service at the time and was deployed…so our actual six months wasn’t that) she didn’t make the grade and I cut her loose because she was self absorbed and wanted me around when I hadn’t seen my kid in three months. And bitched about me going to see him.

You’ll know when you meet the right girl.

After your daughter is 18 years old and has left the house.

My .02 pesos; Daughter is way more important than your love interests.

quote:

Originally posted by SIGnified:
After your daughter is 18 years old and has left the house.

My .02 pesos; Daughter is way more important than your love interests.

I agree with you whole heartedly. D Mae is the most important. I just know that she needs to see a healthy relationship modeled for her future. That certainly isn't going to happen at her mother's house.

I am not going to get into a relationship just for her to see an example because that one certainly won't be healthy but I would like to find someone to do life with and present a healthy relationship to my daughter.

Talk to the woman you are serious about. She has an interest here and women are GOOD at this stuff. I have some experience here...

quote:

Originally posted by SIGnified:
After your daughter is 18 years old and has left the house.

My .02 pesos; Daughter is way more important than your love interests.

I’m on this end of the spectrum as well. I must be superfucking old fashioned, but I feel as though when you bring a new soul into the world, all other bets are off. I don’t think 6 months would be enough to really assess whether I want to expose my kid to someone who might not be a permanent part (I mean someone I’m living and sharing every part of my life with, not friends or acquaintances, but the foundation that the child builds on, the unmovable rocks of their life). If your daughter was jealous of a known friend, clearly even though you and the ex are over it, she’s not. And she’s the most important thing right now. She needs to know your love for her won’t end.

Be her rock, and don’t shake the foundation any more than your ex shook it. Any woman worth her salt will understand this and stay in the background til you’re ready if she really understands and shares your values. Btw, what does your therapist think? And is your daughter in therapy? Just a thought- it might help her come to terms with the idea of you having a relationship with another woman. Not saying that it’s necessary at all, just a random idea.


And yeah, per the aggression- I’m aware of women sending nudes (unsolicited) before even meeting up- way to peddle your flesh, ladies. Might as well cue up “Let’s get it on” when you send it. I wouldn’t want someone like that near my kid, because that in itself tells me all I need to know about their self worth.

Y’all crazy, they are small humans, not carpet, they’re not damaged with traffic, they’re possibly damaged from shitty people.

Don’t have a different person over every night or week, but if you’re in a long-term relationship introduce them.

You’re letting your child meet a new person and know that you’re dating again, those are the only two areas that make this any different from them having a new teacher at school or a new babysitter.

Your kids will meet folks their whole lives, you’re not sending them off with someone, they are meeting them, in your presence. If your kids don’t like it, ask yourself if the gripe is legitimate or just whining. Act accordingly based upon that assessment.

You gotta put on your oxygen before helping others. Take care of your kids sure but to cut yourself off from what is essentially one of our top goals and benefits of being human is ridiculous.

Anyone in this situation already has a kid who’s seen a bad relationship so that ship has sailed, you’re more than justified showing them it’s okay to be happy.

I remember when my youngest son was thinking about telling his fiancé that he’d been married before.that boy went through so much angst about possible scenarios she was going To say. Turns out he thought it was like him trying to cough up a cannonball, and she said it’s a BB in a box car.

I never had to go through this, but I would suggest you give your daughter more credit and have a sit down with her.

quote:

Originally posted by OttoSig:
Y’all crazy, they are small humans, not carpet, they’re not damaged with traffic, they’re possibly damaged from shitty people.

Don’t have a different person over every night or week, but if you’re in a long-term relationship introduce them.

You’re letting your child meet a new person and know that you’re dating again, those are the only two areas that make this any different from them having a new teacher at school or a new babysitter.

Your kids will meet folks their whole lives, you’re not sending them off with someone, they are meeting them, in your presence. If your kids don’t like it, ask yourself if the gripe is legitimate or just whining. Act accordingly based upon that assessment.

You gotta put on your oxygen before helping others. Take care of your kids sure but to cut yourself off from what is essentially one of our top goals and benefits of being human is ridiculous.

Anyone in this situation already has a kid who’s seen a bad relationship so that ship has sailed, you’re more than justified showing them it’s okay to be happy.

This makes sense, I get protecting them from the one night fling, get a hotel, have fun, do it on the nights they are with your wife.

IF you do get into a serious relationship then like Artie says talk with the woman, talk with the kids, figure it out explain it and it's easier to deal with.

quote:

Originally posted by frayedends:
I would date the same woman for 6 months, be sure it’s going somewhere then introduce your kid. No need to share that you are dating until then. At that point just say , “I want to let you know that I’ve been seeing someone and I’d like for you to meet her.” Then play it from there.

Being sure that the person is someone with at least potential staying power is important I think. Beyond that, making sure your daughter doesn't see her as a rival is also important. Perhaps your therapist will have some useful thoughts about this.

quote:

Originally posted by SIGnified:
After your daughter is 18 years old and has left the house.

My .02 pesos; Daughter is way more important than your love interests.

Got to disagree. Plenty of divorce kids have perfectly good relationships with new loves. And the OP should not have to put his life on hold for ten years. And, nothing magic happens at age 18, either. In fact, eight year olds may be more flexible and able to deal with it.

OttoSig is right.

I wouldn't introduce a woman to my child until I was sure I was going to be in a monogamous relationship with her and looking to be so for a long time and that she felt the same.
As a side note:
A girlfriend can give you everything a wife can without taking your choices (and 1/2 your stuff) if situations change. Don't let the state in on your personal life. Marriage is a very bad business contract and as a man you have NOTHING to gain from it.

quote:

Originally posted by Apphunter:
I just know that she needs to see a healthy relationship modeled for her future. That certainly isn't going to happen at her mother's house.

Honestly, it sounds like you need to worry more about how you will handle a relationship because a few things make it sound like you aren't over the last one (quote included). Easier said than done, I know but you gotta get there first.

As Otto says, most kids aren't that fragile. If she's over the split, you have a healthy relationship with her & she already has a step-dad in her life, it won't be a big deal to her. You'll be shitting bricks, but don't let it be an excuse to not go after a good woman. They are actually out there, slightly less rare than bigfoot. Good hunting.

People rationalize this particular selfishness all the time.

Do whatever; most people do. People talking about kids bouncing back like they’re made of rubber. How ignorant.

Won’t change my life one iota.

It’s not selfish to date again because you have a child.

That’s absolutely ignorant. You’re not being old-fashioned, just dumb.

My step kids appreciate having a stepfather around.

It’s simply about doing it sensibly, but that seems easier said than done.