quote:

Originally posted by SIGnified:
People rationalize this particular selfishness all the time.

Do whatever; most people do. People talking about kids bouncing back like they’re made of rubber. How ignorant.

Won’t change my life one iota.

I'm over her and have no desire to be with her. I just want to ensure that if I find a woman I want to introduce to my daughter that is done in the healthiest method possible.

My 2nd wife, also a divorcee, introduced me to her 4 yr old daughter on our first date... a blind date. No she didn't bring her along.

That got it all out in the open, some people don't like surprises.

Worked out pretty good, we were married 6 months later... that was 43 years ago.

I've typed out a few replies and then just exited out. It's not that they were smart ass replies or anything but I kept thinking to myself the experiences I've had since being divorced.
Its been about 12 years now and in that time there were 2 women. 1 my daughter really liked and the other she didn't. No easy thing having a daughter that you have custody of and then bringing another woman into the picture.
I explained twice to my daughter that the best these 2 women could be to her is a friend and she already has a mother. That made her feel better even though she didn't like the 2nd woman I met.
That was 4 years ago and my daughter moved out then also.
Its kinda funny because I haven't dated in 4 years now and my daughter will ask me why I don't have someone around since I'm alone.
Best advice I have for what it's worth.

Hard to comment without making assumptions and speculations about you and your situation. With that in mind, please try not to find offense, as I'm not intending any.

An 8 year old little girl from the sound of your post, is already viewing unhealthy behavior from your ex-wife. With her sharing 50/50 physical custody, I agree with signified's implied priority. This young girl has much against her when it comes to learning about how to be a woman and how she should be treated and treat others. Where I differ from Signified and a few others here, is that in some cases the introduction of a healthy woman to her life might actually help her. Generally, I like to see parents who can't manage healthy relationships focus on their children until they become older (teens or even out of the house). The exception is that children need healthy adults in their life also, single parenting is not good parenting. It's sometimes required as being better than other choices, a sort of "least bad choice" option.

Choose women with your values and ethics. If I was looking for a woman and had an 8 year old daughter, I'd be dating women that I wanted as life partners and as a mom. The dating is to see how well they fit those roles, so once I was happy with the life partner side and thought the mom side was going to work, I'd introduce them. That isn't a magical number of minimum dates or months, it would be different for every situation. It certainly wouldn't be the first or second date though. If you're choosing to sleep with these women, then you're already setting yourself up for future failure, so advice given here doesn't mean much anyyay. Any woman that would sleep with a man on the first or second or even initial dates isn't good marriage/mother material anyway.

quote:

Originally posted by SIGnified:
After your daughter is 18 years old and has left the house.

My .02 pesos; Daughter is way more important than your love interests.

I was afraid to be just the one person but this was going to be what I post.

I have no children and have never been divorced. But I have heard the advice repeatedly from Dr. Laura when she was still on AM/FM radio. It certainly makes sense to me.

I understand it's not a popular opinion. But I see it as the ideal and there are people who have been able to accomplish the ideal and proved it's the optimal solution for their lives.

quote:

Originally posted by AKSuperDually:
Hard to comment without making assumptions and speculations about you and your situation. With that in mind, please try not to find offense, as I'm not intending any.

An 8 year old little girl from the sound of your post, is already viewing unhealthy behavior from your ex-wife. With her sharing 50/50 physical custody, I agree with signified's implied priority. This young girl has much against her when it comes to learning about how to be a woman and how she should be treated and treat others. Where I differ from Signified and a few others here, is that in some cases the introduction of a healthy woman to her life might actually help her. Generally, I like to see parents who can't manage healthy relationships focus on their children until they become older (teens or even out of the house). The exception is that children need healthy adults in their life also, single parenting is not good parenting. It's sometimes required as being better than other choices, a sort of "least bad choice" option.

Choose women with your values and ethics. If I was looking for a woman and had an 8 year old daughter, I'd be dating women that I wanted as life partners and as a mom. The dating is to see how well they fit those roles, so once I was happy with the life partner side and thought the mom side was going to work, I'd introduce them. That isn't a magical number of minimum dates or months, it would be different for every situation. It certainly wouldn't be the first or second date though. If you're choosing to sleep with these women, then you're already setting yourself up for future failure, so advice given here doesn't mean much anyyay. Any woman that would sleep with a man on the first or second or even initial dates isn't good marriage/mother material anyway.

I've never been divorced and have no plans to be, but I do have two daughters and think this is spot on.

It sounds like your ex is not a good role model and wronged you. It also sounds like you've been getting what you feel you're owed from the women you've seen since her (I don't blame you even if I morally disagree).

What your daughter will need is a good female role model in her life. You can give that to her by picking the type of woman you would want your daughter to grow up to be and letting her see what a healthy relationship looks like.

Jeez guys it's not black and white. You can date and have a gf and remarry if you have kinds. You just need to be smart about it.

Think about it this way, if you would introduce the gf to your mom and have her over for Thanksgiving, then she can meet your kids. If you would not invite her to meet your mom on Thanksgiving, then you should not.

I know from personal experience what it's like. I was 8 when my parents "separated" ostensibly to work on their issues and maybe reconcile. My dad started dating immediately and had is gf around on the one day a week we saw him - Sunday. He couldn't leave that one day a week just to his kids and have 6 others and Friday and Saturday night to date. Nope had to have her around on Sunday.

So on one Sunday evening he dropped her off at her place before taking me back to my mom and kissed her goodnight. That's a great way to tell an 8 year old kid that it's not a "separation" and there isn't going to be any "reconciliation" and this is permanent. It hurt, a lot.

So with my son, when dating entered my life, I talked with him, asked him if he thought we would be a family again, and made it clear that it wasn't going to happen. Then I asked him what might happen next and he said maybe a step family. That's a big leap and a professional told me that it is common for children at that age (10) to understand end states, but not understand "process".

But as I said it was all for naught because while I was trying to do things right 6 months after my ex moved out, she was already shacked up with a guy.

For comparison, one woman I dated for a short time and stayed in contact after. She had a boyfriend she really liked but could never go to his place because his teenage daughters basically wouldn't allow him to date another woman. He had to see her at her place or elsewhere. And he always made excuses for not being available because of their sports schedule or what have you.

I told her clearly, if he can come you your place and meet your kids and you cannot go to his place and meet his, that's a huge problem. He is a grade A pussy letting teenage girls dictate his life in this manner that he makes his gf feel like she is unwelcome. Kids can have opinions, but they are immature by nature and can't run the show. Be careful when they are young, but don't like them be manipulative when they are older.

And there is a double standard. Seeing a father date different women before settling down is a hell of a lot different than seeing a mother date around.

I believe that a lot of issues with young women today are due to seeing their single mother's revolving bedroom doors and having no sense of appropriate behavior.

Slight drift here.
Another option is to live as your own man for a bit without the anchor of another relationship or dating women at all. Travel a bit with your daughter and show her different parts of the world.
You'll have a better bond and relationship with her so if you do ever decide to spend time with a lady friend your daughter will be happy for you and joyful.