I lost my mother unexpectedly last January at 60. Today is my birthday and the pain feels the same as it did last January. Thank you in advance.

I wish I had wise counsel for you to assuage your pain. My only response is I feel your loss. My Mother only passed four weeks ago. I miss my Mother terribly. My only consolation is that she is never going to feel pain again.

For me it was eight years ago this month. She was only 64.

The short answer to your question, is (at least for me) the pain will subside a bit; dull with time, but never go away. That has been my experience.

I am blessed to have a daughter that Mom loved oh so dearly- and watching her grow brings me closer to Mom although absent.

Look forward to one day, being rejoined.

"But we do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, about those who are asleep, that you may not grieve as others do who have no hope. For since we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so, through Jesus, God will bring with him those who have fallen asleep. For this we declare to you by a word from the Lord, that we who are alive, who are left until the coming of the Lord, will not precede those who have fallen asleep. For the Lord himself will descend from heaven with a cry of command, with the voice of an archangel, and with the sound of the trumpet of God. And the dead in Christ will rise first. Then we who are alive, who are left, will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air, and so we will always be with the Lord." 1 Thessalonians 4:13-18

Behold! I tell you a mystery. We shall not all sleep, but we shall all be changed, in a moment, in the twinkling of an eye, at the last trumpet. For the trumpet will sound, and the dead will be raised imperishable, and we shall be changed. For this perishable body must put on the imperishable, and this mortal body must put on immortality. When the perishable puts on the imperishable, and the mortal puts on immortality, then shall come to pass the saying that is written: “Death is swallowed up in victory.” “O death, where is your victory? O death, where is your sting?” 1 Corinthians 15: 51-55

In one word, no.

No, it doesn't.

My pa has been gone 41 years, my ma only 11 yrs.
the emptiness never leaves. It’s like that old song,”Always Something There To Remind Me”. I was blessed to have two great parents to show me the way. Hang tough dar185.

It never gets easier, you just learn to deal with it better.

quote:

Originally posted by maxwayne:
It never gets easier, you just learn to deal with it better.

Perfectly said.

Time heals. I wouldn’t say it gets easier, but after 25 years, it becomes the normal. It’s been so long, that I don’t have that excited feeling to tell her about an accomplishment. It’s now pre-wired that she is gone.

Don’t get me wrong, I wish I could share things with her. The reality is that I can’t. I have learned to accept that.

The thoughts of missing her are still there. But that pain in the chest, similar to when you’re a kid and your feelings get hurt, or that empty hollow feeling that you feel in your chest when someone you care for dies, that feeling, it’s gone. I think about her and I miss her in my thoughts. The physical feeling of missing her, that stopped about ten years ago.

Everyone deals with death and loss differently. My mom died when I was 22. I became a rather cold and jaded person for quite some time. It’s only in the last ten years or so that I stopped enjoying being an asshole. That’s about the same time I accepted that she is truly gone, and about the same time the feelings of missing her stopped.

I hope this makes sense.

I am also sorry for your loss. It’s a terrible thing that many of us have to deal with at different times in our lives. Don’t let it turn you cold and jaded like it did me.

The last really clear memory I have of my father was December 7, 1941 -- Pearl Harbor day. He died three months later.

Eight years later, my mother remarried a man who seemed like a pretty nice guy, until his true colors showed, it turned out that he was an alcoholic abusive son of a bitch. I had to get away from him; I left home when I was seventeen, never to live there again.

Because I wanted nothing to do with my stepfather, I rarely saw my mother, which is something that I truly regret. She died in 1979, I had not seen her for several years.

My time is approaching. Nothing really wrong with me, but at 84 I have to wonder how much time I have left. I think of my mother often, and I wonder whether we will be reunited, or whether there is nothing after death.

quote:

Time heals. I wouldn’t say it gets easier, but after 25 years, it becomes the normal. It’s been so long, that I don’t have that excited feeling to tell her about an accomplishment

yes for me too; I still halfway expect her phone call every now & then....

And my own moments of grief have mellowed considerably over the decades. The last few years of her life she was content, riding horses on the sparse plains of the NorDakota of her youth.

Yes, I think it does. As beancooker said, time does help..the deep ache and breathtaking sorrow ease over years, but you will still turn, without realizing, to say something to that loved one, and then realize they aren’t there.

Then you start to think of them whenever anything you thought might impress or delight them happens, then eventually you simply acknowledge in your mind that “they would’ve loved that”.

I remember my husband asking me after his father died “how long it takes for the pain to go away”.. I said never, but that was 20 years ago..and I lost my brother over 30 years ago. It has gotten easier over all those years. You learn to adjust, but you’re still in early times. When someone who has loved and cared for you dies, it’s hard, in part, I think, because this was someone who knew you, knew your stories and troubles, still loved and cared for you, and thought of you as a good person.

Happy birthday. I’m so sorry for your loss. Obviously you loved each other deeply. Cherish the fact that you had someone who loved you so well in your life. Consider that this might be her gift to you on this day.

quote:

It’s been so long, that I don’t have that excited feeling to tell her about an accomplishment. It’s now pre-wired that she is gone.

Don’t get me wrong, I wish I could share things with her. The reality is that I can’t. I have learned to accept that.

Pretty much this. You're never going to forget your mom, or the memories you have of her, but the rawness of the loss does subside over time.At least that has been my experience.

Peace will come in due time, brother.

From my perspective yes it does get easier. But I don't think there's anything you can do to speed or slow down the healing process. Continue to make her proud as if she was still amongst us. That's the best you can do.

Lost both my Mom and Dad in 2009. Both in there 90's and all in all they lived a pretty good life without a horrible end of life hospital situation, and that gives me some comfort. The actual hurt has waned over the years, but I still think of them every single day. Your coping may be different, but it will come.

I don’t know that missing a loved one ever really gets easier, but it seems like at some point we sort of switch from “Why, oh why aren’t they here anymore?” to “Man it sure was wonderful having the years we did have with them!”

I have lost my mother, father, and wife. You will get past the grief. And you must. We all have different levels of acceptance.

I don't know, but I doubt it. I miss my dad, and still miss my grandparents.

I would say that the pain dulls with time, and the emptiness less often, but my mom died in 2002 and I still think of her every day and miss her. My dad died in 1984 and had been dying for 11 years, so my memories of him are much fainter. He was a good dad, but we never really bonded--no common interests.

Cherish the good memories and try to follow her advice. Make her proud of you and that will show enough respect.

flashguy