There was a power failure in a Dublin Department Store last week and three hundred people were stranded on the escalators for more than two hours.

“O’Leary, your glass is empty, will you be having another one?"
"And what would I be doing with two empty glasses?” O’Leary replied.

Young Teresa came home with some dreadful news. “I’m pregnant” she cries."
“And how do you know it’s yours?” shouts her father.

PADDY: “Hey Shaun, what’s Mick’s surname?”
SHAUN: “Mick who?”

PADDY: “If you can guess how many Pheasants I’ve got in me bag you can have both of them”.
SHAUN: "Three."

Mrs Murphy said: I don’t tink me husband has been faithful to me”.
“Why’s that?” said Mrs O’Toole.
"Me last child don’t look anything like him”.

Mrs O’Toole said: “I can only tell you this bit of scandal once, because I promised Mrs O’Leary I would never repeat it”.

Shaun and Molly sat up all night, on their honeymoon, waiting for their conjugal relations to arrive.

Murphy had a rope hanging from a tree in his garden. Shamus asked him what it was for.
“It’s me weather guide” said Murphy, “If it’s swinging back and forth, it’s windy and if it’s wet, its been raining".

Murphy was told by the Doctor he had two weeks to live, so he chose the last week in July and the first week in August.

Colleen dropped a Euro coin, intending it to fall into the blind man’s hat on the pavement, but missed, as quick as a flash he scooped it up and put it in the hat. “You’re not blind” she said.
“No I’m not” said Paddy, “Its Murphy whose blind, I’m just filling in for him while he’s gone to the pictures”.

“We’re looking for a Treasurer for the Xmas fund”, said Paddy.
“Didn’t you take on a new one last month?” said Murphy.
“That’s the one we’re looking for”, Paddy replied.

Father O’Flaherty asked Mrs O’Reilly how many children she had. Four was the reply. “That’s a good Catholic woman you are, and when will you be having the next?" he asked.
“I’m not Father”, she replied. “I read that every fifth child born in the world is Chinese”.

The Dublin pensioners club go on a mystery tour every Wednesday and to make it interesting they have a sweep to guess where they are going. Shamus, the coach driver, has won five weeks on the trot.

tac

I had no heard all of them, enjoyed the lot!

Hard to say if those are actual jokes or just quotes from real life.

God invented whiskey to prevent the Irish from ruling the world.

Change a couple words in most Aggie joke true stories, and you'd have an endless supply of Irish jokes

As you may or may not know, over here in Glasgow and in Berlin we are hosting the European Games - outdoor stuff in Glasgow and track and field in the Olympic Stadium Berlin.

As ever there will be people trying to gatecrash, and this trio of Irishmen were no exception. However, one of the three was canny enough to realise that the only way they'd get in the back way was by pretending to be competitors. So after a bit of looking around the local stadium improvement building site, they were ready to try their luck with a steward guarding the back gate.

Liam, the biggest, was carrying a scaffolding pole over his shoulder. 'What do you want?' - asked the gate steward, 'I need to get in the stadium, I'm a pole vaulter.' Okay,' said the steward, 'In ya go'.

Seán was next, carrying a manhole cover. 'What are YOU participating in? - asked the steward. 'Discus', said Seán, showing the manhole cover. 'In ya go, then'.

Last of all of Fergal, carrying a roll of barbed wire over his shoulder. 'And exactly what sport are YOU doing?', asked the steward looking at him with a distrusting glare, 'Fencing', replied Fergal.

tac

This message has been edited. Last edited by: tacfoley,

Tagged for future reference - Thanks guys

hmmmm. I know Shaun and I don't think he ever said those things.
Sincerely, Wishfull O'Thinker.