Hopefully, something to offend everyone!

January 3 - Kamala becomes President after Biden passes away peacefully in his sleep underneath her pillow

January 4 - Biden revealed to only be mostly dead, regains Presidency

January 6 - Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez dies again

January 9 - David French publishes revolutionary op-ed "The Conservative Case For Only Supporting Progressive Causes"

January 23 - Streaming services all band together to provide content bundled for $180/month, finally letting you get rid of cable

February 12 - Los Angeles Dodgers sign all baseball players in existence, including the reanimated corpses of Babe Ruth, Shoeless Joe Jackson, and Ty Cobb

February 23 - Ozempic revealed to give patients a taste for human flesh, thus ushering in the zombie apocalypse

February 28 - The population of Mexico reaches 0 as everyone crosses the border into the U.S.

March 1 - Americans begin migrating to now-empty Mexico in search of a better life

March 2 - Trump asks Ron DeSantis to be his running mate

March 3 - Trump tells DeSantis "SIKE!"

March 31 - Elon Musk fathers 73rd child

April 1 - Biden announces plans to cut government spending, stop funding foreign wars, and secure our own border

April 15 - Nothing of note happens

April 19 - AOC posts something really dumb on X

April 20 - Joel Osteen posts something really dumb on X

May 4 - Disney announces all-female Star Wars remake featuring Brie Larson as Luke Skywalker and Lizzo as Obi-Wan Kenobi

May 5 - Disney stock price reaches all-time low, Disney execs baffled

May 7 - Obama comes out as even gayer

May 8 - To raise campaign funds Chris Christie joins OnlyFans

May 19 - Pfizer accidentally announces vaccine for new COVID variant that hasn't been released yet

May 20 - Pfizer announces new COVID variant

June 5 - Trump announces that he has destroyed Hillary Clinton's final Horcrux

June 7 - Newsom raises fast food worker minimum wage to $1000 an hour

June 8 - McDonald's raises Big Mac price to $1000

July 4 - True Americans fire rockets into the sky and barbecue dead animals, giving some a sliver of hope that we might just survive all this

July 9 - Camper full of meth with license plate HUNTER found on White House lawn, Secret Service unable to identify owner

July 31 - Global warming causes warm temperatures for 3 months for some reason

August 1 - After floods, earthquakes, mudslides, and droughts fail, God sends asteroid to destroy California

August 2 - Steve in Des Moines, Iowa, eats a delicious breakfast burrito and all is well in the world for just a few hours

August 3 - Steve suffers consequences of eating a breakfast burrito made in Iowa

August 22 - Massive protests erupt over manufactured controversy to give Democrats steam going into election

September 2 - Valve Software finally releases long-awaited Half-Life 3, but it's a mobile game with microtransactions

September 8 - Lizzo eats 3 more backup dancers

September 27 - Final kid in America becomes transgender, everyone begins detransitioning since now that's rebellious and cool

September 30 - Aiden of Toledo, Ohio finds a really cool stick in the woods

October 4 - 162-win Dodgers eliminated from playoffs in first round by 83-win Padres

November 1 - San Diego Padres win first-ever World Series (writer of this list is just saying stuff he wants to happen at this point)

November 4 - New pandemic, cyberattack, land war, George Floyd 2.0, global famine, alien invasion, civil war begins

November 5 - Trump wins election in a historic landslide victory of 128 million votes

November 6 - Trump preemptively impeached on 52 different counts

November 7 - Biden declared the winner of the election after 127 million mail-in votes arrived overnight

November 28 - Biden admin announces that the cost of Thanksgiving dinner has never been lower at $9,628,000 per household

December 1 - Your wife completes all the Christmas shopping for you, the kids, everyone you know, and herself

December 6 - Southern California man Kyle wins trivia night at a pub and basks in eternal glory

December 23 - You wonder if you should get your wife something for Christmas

December 25 - Google updates their Google Doodle to recognize the historic birth of a genderqueer lesbian artist woman of color

December 26 - Your wife isn't talking to you for some reason

December 31 - Despite extensive research efforts, there are still only 2 genders. Weird!

That was pretty damn good.

Closer to the truth than anything the MSM can come up with.
And that's not a joke unfortunately.

There were few things in life better than finding a cool stick in the woods.

Nice. I actually lol’d.

quote:

June 5 - Trump announces that he has destroyed Hillary Clinton's final Horcrux

I'm not on the quidditch team or anything, but as an adult with early 20s aged kids, I know enough about the books to know this is funny as hell.

Great stuff! Still chuckling.

April 1st got me for a second until I looked at the date.

Dec 25th made me LOL!

Whoever imagined that a tiny bunch of Christian guys with a sense of humor (admitting they have maybe 2-3 jokes all told) would become the must-read site on the internet; and would cause Elon Musk to buy Twitter and overturn the monopoly censorship of social media?