January 07, 2024, 09:45 AM
rduckworFunnyStuff: Babylon Bee's predicitions for 2024
Hopefully, something to offend everyone!
January 3 - Kamala becomes President after Biden passes away peacefully in his sleep underneath her pillow
January 4 - Biden revealed to only be mostly dead, regains Presidency
January 6 - Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez dies again
January 9 - David French publishes revolutionary op-ed "The Conservative Case For Only Supporting Progressive Causes"
January 23 - Streaming services all band together to provide content bundled for $180/month, finally letting you get rid of cable
February 12 - Los Angeles Dodgers sign all baseball players in existence, including the reanimated corpses of Babe Ruth, Shoeless Joe Jackson, and Ty Cobb
February 23 - Ozempic revealed to give patients a taste for human flesh, thus ushering in the zombie apocalypse
February 28 - The population of Mexico reaches 0 as everyone crosses the border into the U.S.
March 1 - Americans begin migrating to now-empty Mexico in search of a better life
March 2 - Trump asks Ron DeSantis to be his running mate
March 3 - Trump tells DeSantis "SIKE!"
March 31 - Elon Musk fathers 73rd child
April 1 - Biden announces plans to cut government spending, stop funding foreign wars, and secure our own border
April 15 - Nothing of note happens
April 19 - AOC posts something really dumb on X
April 20 - Joel Osteen posts something really dumb on X
May 4 - Disney announces all-female Star Wars remake featuring Brie Larson as Luke Skywalker and Lizzo as Obi-Wan Kenobi
May 5 - Disney stock price reaches all-time low, Disney execs baffled
May 7 - Obama comes out as even gayer
May 8 - To raise campaign funds Chris Christie joins OnlyFans
May 19 - Pfizer accidentally announces vaccine for new COVID variant that hasn't been released yet
May 20 - Pfizer announces new COVID variant
June 5 - Trump announces that he has destroyed Hillary Clinton's final Horcrux
June 7 - Newsom raises fast food worker minimum wage to $1000 an hour
June 8 - McDonald's raises Big Mac price to $1000
July 4 - True Americans fire rockets into the sky and barbecue dead animals, giving some a sliver of hope that we might just survive all this
July 9 - Camper full of meth with license plate HUNTER found on White House lawn, Secret Service unable to identify owner
July 31 - Global warming causes warm temperatures for 3 months for some reason
August 1 - After floods, earthquakes, mudslides, and droughts fail, God sends asteroid to destroy California
August 2 - Steve in Des Moines, Iowa, eats a delicious breakfast burrito and all is well in the world for just a few hours
August 3 - Steve suffers consequences of eating a breakfast burrito made in Iowa
August 22 - Massive protests erupt over manufactured controversy to give Democrats steam going into election
September 2 - Valve Software finally releases long-awaited Half-Life 3, but it's a mobile game with microtransactions
September 8 - Lizzo eats 3 more backup dancers
September 27 - Final kid in America becomes transgender, everyone begins detransitioning since now that's rebellious and cool
September 30 - Aiden of Toledo, Ohio finds a really cool stick in the woods
October 4 - 162-win Dodgers eliminated from playoffs in first round by 83-win Padres
November 1 - San Diego Padres win first-ever World Series (writer of this list is just saying stuff he wants to happen at this point)
November 4 - New pandemic, cyberattack, land war, George Floyd 2.0, global famine, alien invasion, civil war begins
November 5 - Trump wins election in a historic landslide victory of 128 million votes
November 6 - Trump preemptively impeached on 52 different counts
November 7 - Biden declared the winner of the election after 127 million mail-in votes arrived overnight
November 28 - Biden admin announces that the cost of Thanksgiving dinner has never been lower at $9,628,000 per household
December 1 - Your wife completes all the Christmas shopping for you, the kids, everyone you know, and herself
December 6 - Southern California man Kyle wins trivia night at a pub and basks in eternal glory
December 23 - You wonder if you should get your wife something for Christmas
December 25 - Google updates their Google Doodle to recognize the historic birth of a genderqueer lesbian artist woman of color
December 26 - Your wife isn't talking to you for some reason
December 31 - Despite extensive research efforts, there are still only 2 genders. Weird!
