Keep it up!

OttoSig:

Did you get the email I sent about a month ago that contained my phone number?

I'm happy to talk about not drinking as a life choice. I made that choice almost 42 years ago.

Just keep swimming. Prayers!!

How's it going, Otto?

Gentlemen,

I’m gonna be honest and admit my mistakes but also what I learned.

Saturday, on day 28 I took my boss out for a going away, I drank water for most the night but convinced myself having a few wouldn’t hurt. Nothing bad happened during the night but the next day I was horribly depressed for letting everyone down. My son, my wife who’s rooting for me, and all y’all.

I don’t want to say I won’t do it again but knowing how that felt I damn sure don’t want to do that again. I feel like I wasted everyone’s time and energy and I want to run and not reply to this thread again but I know I gotta.

I haven’t had a drink since then and I’m being positive that it was a learning experience not to be naive again.

I hate that I ruined my streak but I’m okay being better prepared for the future.

I’ve received so many emails that I haven’t been able to rely to all of them, I think y’all warrant sincere replies and not short thoughtless ones so I will get to replying to all of them.

No worries Otto….the important thing is you keep putting your foot forward…accept your mis-step and don’t beat yourself up over it! Keep it up Btother….you’ll be ok

Please consider AA. It is free. What you have going for you is willpower. It does not work in the long run. You need some education as well.

I used to smoke cigarettes. I quit several times before I was finally able to quit forever. Don't give up. If you fall down get back up. It is a marathon not a sprint.

quote:

Originally posted by OttoSig:
I drank water for most the night but convinced myself having a few wouldn’t hurt. Nothing bad happened during the night but the next day I was horribly depressed for letting everyone down.

You know my story. It would be an understatement to say I had really good reasons to quit, and me letting everyone down would have entailed becoming a crimson fountain on the floor in front of my wife and son at the start of the Covid lockdowns. I managed to quit in rehab, and stayed quit for over seven months without too much trouble. I stayed away from "triggers," I was spared being around alcohol, and I went to meetings online, but I didn't work a program. You know what happened seven months in? I got an email on the morning of Christmas Eve while I was taking a shit that said "You have cirrhosis." After the shock and the crying was over, you know what the very first thought was that popped into my head? A voice, my voice, and it said (and this is an exact quote): "You need a drink." Holy fuck, right? What an insane thing! And to boot, the verbiage was not "I need," but "You need." You know what that was? It was the disease of alcoholism lying to me in my own voice. You know what that did to me? It scared my ass into the closest local meeting... two months later on Super Bowl weekend. Because drunks love to actually address the issue, right? So I go in there, and I tell everyone what happened and these words fell out of my mouth - "I need a sponsor, and I need to work the steps right fucking now, or I'm going to drink again, and I'm going to die, because I don't have a solution to this and it's absolutely tearing me apart." My solution to everything was a drink. Good day? Celebrate with a drink. Social occasion? I can't people without a few in me to calm down. Bad day? Well of course I need a fucking drink. Ad nauseum. It was my solution, my answer, my be-all response to all of life's stimuli.

If going out with coworkers got you to slip, what happens if your kid gets cancer? If your wife gets hit by a car and it falls to you to take care of your kids, what is your solution? I will tell you now: If you do not find a suitable replacement for the booze, you will drink again when shit gets serious. I'm not telling you I don't believe in you, I'm telling you that I absolutely respect and believe in exactly what alcoholism is capable of and I had no idea until I was willing to learn.

I almost posted this before, and then didn't. Meet my friend Morgan. We met in rehab. You ever meet someone who astonishes you with how smart they are? Someone shockingly brilliant? That was Morgan. And funny. And caring. Did I mention how scary smart she was? She was an RN, degreed medical practitioner and was on her way to furthering her career when the drink took her sideways. We became friends quickly over some crossword puzzles. I can turn a phrase, but she was on a whole other level. Lots of laughs. She was as bad a drunk as I was. I mean, we compared notes on it, and it was neck-and-neck. We kept up when we got out in April of 2020, we'd check up on each other every few months. She loathed the idea of AA, God, working the steps, the whole thing. She tried SMART recovery, she tried the Sinclair method, she tried some buddhism-based program, but she wouldn't do AA on her life. She would drop off the radar, then pop up drunk with texts that made no sense. A phone call around New Year's '22 where she was slurring and then passed out mid-sentence. There was another call months later where she got confused and I think just walked away from the phone. Last time I heard from her was late last September, and she was clear-headed, lucid and sharp. And then I couldn't get ahold of her. Just before you posted this thread, I texted her and asked "hey, are you still alive over there? You ok?" I will never use that particular phrase to ask how a friend is doing ever again, and if you catch me doing it, call me an asshole because I deserve it. She had all kinds of ideas about how to get sober. It's been a few months since I searched for her name and I'm still processing it, but my big take-away is that I didn't push her because I knew drunks hate to be pushed and it offends us, but the old-timers who've been sober for decades and helped hundreds of people put the bottle down and find peace with themselves have a saying: I'd rather step on your toes than walk over your grave. I chose not to step on Morgan's toes. So now the lock screen on my phone is the last picture she sent of sunset on the beach in Hawaii right by her house, and for all I know, I was one of the last ones to talk to her who might have had a chance to actually get through to her and I didn't take it.

quote:

Originally posted by OttoSig:
I’ve received so many emails that I haven’t been able to rely to all of them, I think y’all warrant sincere replies and not short thoughtless ones so I will get to replying to all of them.

I suggest that the only person you owe anything is yourself, and you owe it to yourself to find help because maybe some people can white knuckle it through between relapses, but ask yourself if you'd rather live that way because you're smart and you've got it all figured out, or would you like to find peace and be comfortable in your own skin, and totally neutral to the presence of alcohol, be it people drinking around you or your wife keeping a bottle of rum in the freezer? I have the latter and I suggest to you that it's better. If you aren't scared, then you haven't had enough people around you die from the disease yet. My father Whitney Houstoned himself and one of my closest friend's wife hung herself because she couldn't quit. There's people who go home from meetings and eat a gun because they heard platitudes from people like "keep coming back" and "one day at a time" and didn't hear a solution to their problem. I'm here to tell you a solution exists. We've got it written down in a book, in black in white, even.

If doing pushups and running laps worked, we wouldn't have rehabs, brother. There may be ways to quit that work, but I know one that works if you actually do the whole program. When you look up success rates and people say it didn't work for them, ask them if they did all the steps, went to regular meetings, built up a social network, and helped others. The answer is always "no." AA will be here for you, and you will be ready for it when you run out of all other ideas, because I was at death's goddamned door before I was willing - just like everyone else who does it right. You have to be at rock bottom to want to do it, but only you can decide what that actually looks like. Are you willing to give up and just follow some suggestions? Then congratulations, we can help you. You still got ideas about how to quit? Go try those and when they don't work, come back to us because we have some suggestions that will work for you if you do them.

Two last things: This disease is progressive and it always gets worse, not better, and there is no such thing as a safe slip. Maybe this time there were no consequences but shame and regret, but you could be like my friend Ryan who stepped off the curb funny after a night of drinking, fell in the street and got his head run over. He lived out the rest of his few years the mental age of a two year old, his mother taking care of him until he died. Had a great career as a civil engineer, and the last pictures of him are him holding a stuffed teddy bear in a giant hospital bed in his house.

If this comes off as brutal, then it's been carefully related with love, because no alcoholic ever, anywhere got saved by people blowing sunshine up their ass.

quote:

Originally posted by ZSMICHAEL:
Please consider AA. It is free. What you have going for you is willpower. It does not work in the long run. You need some education as well.

This right here.
Otto, you have hopefully figured out that this thing you have is more powerful than you are.
The solution, then, is a Power Greater Than Yourself.
AA is where you can start to find it.

That’s disappointing, I was pulling for you to make the 30 day milestone. Making that post here must have been really hard and, that you made it, says a lot about your character.

What is your next step? Reset the counter to zero and start again? Keep us updated here because there are probably more members following your journey then just then just the ones who have posted or e-mailed you.

I'm not one to push AA or rehab because l'm a stubborn, willpower, figure it out and handle your business type of guy that has managed to get by so far, but a lot of members here with more experience with your situation then me have been strongly recommending you seek some assistance. Please at least consider that they may have learned some lessons that the rest of us have not had to learn and think about it.

Keep at it, and my best to you.

Romans 3:10...

...as it is written: "None is righteous, (i.e., perfect) no, not one."

We are flawed human beings, Otto. God knew that when he created us. But he is CHOCK FULL of grace and mercy and will forgive you. We ALL...ALL...slip up. EVERY one of us. EVERY day!!!

You fell off the horse, my friend...
Stand up
Dust yourself off
Throw your shoulders back, and
Get back on that horse

NO ONE HERE will blame you for ANYTHING. Seek the help that so many others have recommended.

GOD BLESS!!!

quote:

Originally posted by OttoSig:
I hate that I ruined my streak but I’m okay being better prepared for the future.

Every day is a new opportunity to wipe the slate, clear the plate, and start again.

- - - - -

ETA: My goodness, Dr. T said it SO much better than me!

Otto,

I went through some tough times after my first of two relapses. There was no continued drinking after the relapse but a total mind fuck. I got buzzed after playing golf with my friends while my wife and son were out of town. I bought a pint on the way home and made a cocktail when I arrived. I ended up pouring most of it out but damn, I felt like such a jerk that night and it did not go away for a couple of weeks. I ended up telling my wife about it and she was disappointed which made it even worse. I finally said to myself, the terrible feelings I had were a big price to pay for 3 beers and a CC water. I needed a better plan than "I am not going to drink anymore". That didn't cut it.

My second relapse was really nothing but could have been much worse. I bought a 24 oz can of Miller on the way home from work. Again my wife was out of town. She called me when I'd had three of four swigs. I was done with it and poured most out. I added one more thing to my plan. Call the wife if I feel like having a drink. This happened about six months ago, that's why I don't consider myself alcohol free. Just as an FYI, if I have another relapse, I'm going to do rehab.

My plan adjustment was to tell my golf buddies and work friends I was doing a "No Drink March" just to see what it was like. I then mentioned to them I was doing the same for April because March felt so good. That turned into a May. (My own weakness and not peer pressure were instrumental in my first relapse) My golf buddies stopped offering me beers while we were golfing. My work friends stopped asking me out for a beer after work. Even on road trips. Letting people know about the "sober month" also put pressure on me not to take a beer or cocktail when offered. Maybe an approach like that would work when going out with office pals or your friends?

If you don't feel the above advice isn't pertinent, no problem. It worked for me but we're all different. Whatever route you take I am behind your goal and any approach you decide to take 100%.

Bytes

quote:

Originally posted by P220 Smudge:

You know my story...

This is a great post. Thank you.

Sorry for the loss of your friend.

The chains of habit are
Light,
Until they become so strong,they can't be broken.

Hey
If it were easy
The cigarette, booze people and
Weight watchers would be out of business.

quote:

Originally posted by pace40:
Sorry for the loss of your friend.

Thank you.

Here's that picture she sent me a few weeks before her obituary. It hits me hard. She was at about the same place in her trajectory through life as the sun in this picture when she took it.


A sick mind can't figure out how to make itself better. It just very simply requires help from others to get right. Maybe a drunk can not drink, but that doesn't address the reasons he drank in the first place. If it were a matter of willpower, he wouldn't have become a drunk in the first place.

A no nonsense video discussing Alcohol Withdrawal by Dr.Andy Kim, psychiatrist. He knows what he is talking about and why white knuckling is not a good idea.

I’ll watch the video in bed tonight.

On a related note, is it normal for my eyes to twitch like crazy all the time???

More of an annoyance than anything.