5/4ths of people can't do math.....
Guy in an electric car asked me for directions,
I sent him down a dead end street because there's no outlet...

Why did the man fall into the well?
He couldn’t see that well.

A blind carpenter picked up his hammer and saw.

What do you call a dog with no legs?

Doesn't matter, he won't come anyway.

quote:

Originally posted by Inusuit:
What do you call a dog with no legs?

Mat!

Did you hear about the group of dyslexic devil worshippers that dedicated their lives to Santa?

Valentines Day is coming soon. Be sure to have your heart on.

What kind of bees make milk?
Boobees!

My friends and I formed a band and we call it "Duvet". It's a cover band.

I made coffee the other day. I couldn't find my coffee cup, I think I was mugged.

I never believed in chiropractors till I saw one the other day.
Now I stand corrected.

Did you hear about the cheating Cheetah?

She was never caught.

Have you ever done a sex act with a Smurf?

It was once, in a blue moon.

I told my wife she drew her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.

quote:

Originally posted by ShneaSIG:
Earl and A.C. go out huntin' one afternoon. A.C. hasn't been feeling too great, but he thinks he'll be all right because Earl recently got himself one of them newfangled fruit phones that can make calls anywhere. About halfway along the walk to the hunting blind, A.C. groans and collapses in a heap. Earl eventually gets his newfangled fruit phone to dial "911" - this is the recording:

911 Operator: 911, what is your emergency?

Earl: My buddy just collapsed! He's dead!

911 Operator: He's dead? Are you certain? Can you make sure he's dead?

*BANG* *BANG*

Earl: Ok, now what?

Earl and AC decide to go hunting. As they drove into the woods they saw a sign that said Bear Left. So they went home.

How do you make a white pony pink?


Use horse reddish.

Why does a dog lick his balls?

Because he can.

A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying, "I've had enough and have left you. Don't bother coming after me.”

Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction.

After a short while, the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom.

She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note.

After a few minutes, he wrote something on it before picking up the phone and calling someone.

"She's finally gone...yeah I know, about bloody time, I'm coming to see you, put on that sexy French nightie.

I love you...can't wait to see you...we'll do all the naughty things you like."

He hung up, grabbed his keys and left.

She heard the car drive off as she came out from under the bed.

Seething with rage and with tears in her eyes she grabbed the note to see what he wrote...

"I can see your feet. We're outta bread. Back in five minutes."

A naked blonde walks into a bar with a poodle under one arm and a two-foot salami under the other. She lays the poodle on the table. Bartender says, 'I suppose you won't be needing a drink'. Naked lady says...

Sausage fractals
Mandelbratwurst