Two Irishmen walk into a bar.

Q: Why does the hard boil egg win every race?
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They're hard to beat!

Why do cowboys all have the same size balls?
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So they can pull each other's trailers.

quote:

Originally posted by SIGnified:
That is 2/3 of a pun.
PU

Well that's a real stinker.

Why do the Swedish, Norwegian and Danish navies put bar codes on their ships?
So when a ship comes into port, they can Scandinavian.

A clown held a door open for me. I thought it was a nice jester.

A rope walked into a bar and ordered a drink. The bartender said, "We don't serve ropes here." So the rope left, unraveled himself, went back in and ordered a drink again. The bartender said, "Say, aren't you a rope?" "No, I'm a frayed knot."

I hate it when guys say a woman belongs in the kitchen. How is she going to clean the rest of the house from there?

^^^^ Why don't Cannibals eat Clowns?

Because they taste funny.

(I'll let myself out)
.

I did some mechanical work today. I put a rear end in a recliner.

I bought a really nice belt last week.
Cost me $100.
Tried it on today.
Too small.
I already threw away the receipt, so I can't return it.
Huge waist.

How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.

Knock Knock,
Who's there?
Boo.
Boo Who?
You don't have to cry about it!

A man took a winter vacation to New York City and checked into a large hotel. Unfortunately, he quickly found that he was staying at the facility that was hosting the National Chess Championships that year. Everywhere he went, the lobby was filled with games and with people bragging about their incredible wins and brilliant moves. Finally he could take it no longer and he went to the front desk and demanded to check out.

"But, Sir," protested the clerk, "you prepaid for a whole week. Why are you leaving?"

"Because," said the man, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer..."

I need a stepladder. My real ladder abandoned me when I was very young.

Poop jokes aren't my favorite, but they're a solid #2.

Autopsy club meeting Saturday - it's open Mike night.

What sounds do porcupines make when having sex?


Ouch, ouch, ouch....

What concert costs 45 cents?
50 Cent featuring Nickelback.

quote:

Originally posted by egregore:
What concert costs 45 cents?
50 Cent featuring Nickelback.

You're still being ripped off!

quote:

Originally posted by architect:

quote:

Originally posted by egregore:
What concert costs 45 cents?
50 Cent featuring Nickelback.

You're still being ripped off!

Man, you're just on a tear here.

What kind of cell phone does an Italian chef carry?

Gnocchi-a.

I've been called a dad without kids. That makes me a faux pa.

What do you get when you throw a hand grenade into a French kitchen?

Linoleum blown apart.

Did y'all hear about the dyslexic bank robber? "Everybody put your sticking hands in the air! This is a fuck up!"

There are three kinds of people in this world: those who can count, and those who can’t.