Brief back story: Met this girl a few months ago and we really hit it off, but she has been going through a long, drawn out divorce for the last 2 years. The whole thing has really taken a toll on her. Divorce was official a couple of weeks ago, but all of the settlement details are still being worked out.

Despite being pretty successful professionally, her ex is serious POS as a husband/father. Really went off the rails a few years ago after their daughter was born. Abusive, cheating, disappearing for weeks at a time, etc. Blew through most of their savings on hookers and gambling, cashed out the equity in their house to buy his stripper girlfriend implants and a new car. Since they have been separated he's done the bare minimum as far as supporting/spending time with the kids.

Now all of the sudden he is trying to get full custody (he has moved out of state). Even going so far as to hire an evaluator, to the tune of $7K, who to no ones surprise recommended that the kids go with him because he can afford to send them to private school and hire a nanny for them. The irony of that being that he refused to pay for the daughters pre-school this year and she is a stay at home mom.

The whole thing has her really freaked out and I'm trying my best to be supportive. From my perspective no judge in their right mind would allow that and he knows he is about to be paying out the ass and this whole thing is just a hail mary attempt by him and his high priced lawyer to get her to agree to a lot less in order to keep the kids. I'm pretty unfamiliar with how this stuff works, so I'm reaching out to the brain trust for any advice or encouragement I can pass along.

You probably don’t want to hear this but here it is anyway. Getting involved with a woman in the middle of her divorce is not a very good strategy. Especially if she has kids.

Voice of experience.

She needs to talk to and follow her attorney's advice.

Expecting to get advice on how to proceed, across the digital divide, is going to be worth every penny you are not spending.

Voice of experience.

^^
Two excellent suggestions

quote:

Originally posted by arfmel:
You probably don’t want to hear this but here it is anyway. Getting involved with a woman in the middle of her divorce is not a very good strategy. Especially if she has kids.

Voice of experience.

Put it better than I could.

She needs to follow the advice of her lawyer. Laws vary by state so hard for hard to give advice beyond listening to the lawyer. He/she knows how it works in your locale.

quote:

Originally posted by arfmel:
You probably don’t want to hear this but here it is anyway. Getting involved with a woman in the middle of her divorce is not a very good strategy. Especially if she has kids.

Voice of experience.

This plus what the monkey said. As much as you may want to help or be supportive, this is between them and you don't want/need to be involved outside of being empathetic.

Cost me four figures to try and 'help' her. Hold off on the helping until after you get married is my advice.

I have no doubt that her lawyer can deal with it, and have told her that. Not really seeking legal advice, so much as just input from anyone who's been through something similar. My help is purely emotional support.

I am a family lawyer. Listen to the Monkey. We can't know enough from a post to say anything meaningful or accurate.

Sorry to be a buzzkill, but it is the truth.

Just listen to her. Support her. She's a good mom.

quote:

Originally posted by PD:
^^
Two excellent suggestions

+1 to his comment about both of the other comments.

Listen to jhe888. If you have any doubt, listen to him again. It cost me a 2nd divorce to figure this out.

1) She should get an attorney.

2) You are a rebound. Proceed accordingly.

quote:

Originally posted by heavyd:
2) You are a rebound. Proceed accordingly.

Back in college I was that guy, too. She was a sweet girl, but before the divorce her ex-husband put a gun to their baby's head and threatened to pull the trigger, then kill her.

The sex was great, but I shied away after hearing the gun story and dumped her. I'm afraid I hurt her real badly, and I'm ashamed for the way I treated her.

Not only did she deserve to be treated better (by both her ex-husband and by me!), but as I said, she was sweet, and beautiful as well. I wish I'd handled it better.

quote:

Originally posted by arfmel:
You probably don’t want to hear this but here it is anyway. Getting involved with a woman in the middle of her divorce is not a very good strategy. Especially if she has kids.

Voice of experience.

This. You'll be a rebound, no doubt.

Now if you just want some crazy hot sex at all times, proceed with caution. Always wear a condom, lest she become your 'baby momma'. Be prepared for freak outs.

Most of all, be prepare to RUN for your life.

BTDT twice. First wasn't pretty, I looked over my shoulder for a good year. Second was fun but ultimately doomed to fail as well.

Even assuming everything she tells you is accurate (and that is likely a huge assumption)...

EJECT!!! EJECT!!! EJECT!!!

White Knights only exist in fairy tales.


He is sucessful professional, she is stay at home mom. She is going to fight him for continued support and he, understandably, wants to minimized continued costs. A cynical person might think she is already out looking for the next guy to pay her bills.

Now if you truly have an excess of time and money and really, really need the drama, knock yourself out.


Side note - I’ve never heard of a divorce being “final” yet still having “details being worked out”. Granted, I am no expert, but I do have one divorce under my belt (with a child involved) as does my wife and neither of those were finalized without details being decided.

Additionally, I don’t think anyone who takes two years to get divorced really wants to be divorced.


Oh, and why does divorce cost so much? Because it’s worth it!

I see you’re in Louisiana.

That adds a whole extra layer of fucked uppedness that none of us who aren’t admitted and knowledgeable in Louisiana family law could comment on intelligently even if we wanted to.

Because their jurisprudence is French in origin - rooted in the Napoleonic Code rather than English common law like the rest of the country.

I deal with the ugly side of custody matters at least once every couple of weeks when I’m the “on call” attorney at the office. I wholeheartedly agree that this is NOT something you want to be anywhere near.

-Rob

I’m not a lawyer but I agree on the aforementioned rebound comments. A woman in this type of situation shouldn’t even be dating. She should be worried 100% about removing herself from her screwed up situation and about her kids, not dating.

quote:

Originally posted by 911Boss:
Even assuming everything she tells you is accurate (and that is likely a huge assumption)...

This is very important. No offence meant here, but you are only hearing one side of the story — hers, and the one that paints her in the best possible light and makes him look like a monster. It may all be true but I would still take all of her stories with a grain of salt. She has every reason in the world to portray it in a certain way, whether it’s all true or not. One reason being your emotional support for her.

quote:

Originally posted by 911Boss:
Side note - I’ve never heard of a divorce being “final” yet still having “details being worked out”. Granted, I am no expert, but I do have one divorce under my belt (with a child involved) as does my wife and neither of those were finalized without details being decided.

Agreed, which makes me think she is not telling the truth. It sounds like she is separated, not divorced. Many women who are looking to date do not want to be honest about their status of being separated versus officially divorced because they know most guys wouldn’t touch them with a ten foot pole due to the perceieved financial and emotional “baggage” situation.

Where I’m from, a divorce is finalized with a dissolution of marriage agreement in which the couple’s financial assets and property are divided up. Also, this agreement dictates who the custodial parent is (if not a 50/50 split), the child support terms, and co-parenting/visitation time for the non-custodial parent.

I am not the trusting type so I would probably ask to see her divorce papers/decree if I were you. If and when she avoids the question or changes the subject, I would run like hell for sure. If she lied about her divorce to you at the start of your relationship, she would lie about anything.

The actions of the soon to be ex-husband don’t add up. He’s broke, he’s got money etc. There is his version, her version and the truth will likely lie in the middle. If she truly wanted to gain custody of her kids, she would not have been a stay at home mom while he was eroding their finances. Run, run fast.

So many of us have been here, done that and got the T-shirt, myself included and from both sides of the equation. You’re getting her half of the story which is mixed at best and divorce is never final when children are involved. I’m happily divorced 5 years and the drama/lies from my ex are only now settling down a little. When kids are involved you will be dealing with her ex one way or another for decades and there will always be drama. Support her emotionally, allow the lawyer to give her advice and most of all for you, be ready recognize when it’s time to walk away and do that when you feel it rather than get sucked into a bad situation because you think you can help. I’m sorry if my words are blunt, I don’t wish bad on anyone it’s just all so predictable. Hopefully ammmicable solutions can be found for everyone, especially the kids.

You do not want to get in the middle of this. Period. You want to be supportive but if you stay this will be a long drawn out nightmare not of your making. Be classy but do not continue this relationship. It will be costly in time, money, emotions, you name it. Run.