I give this about six months. Then ToddGator will come to the forum, tail between his legs, saying, "You guys were right."

Moral concepts aside, if she isn't divorced yet, she is still married. That makes the two of you adulterers. And while adultery has ceased being a legal reason for divorce, adulterous behavior could be use as another lever in a custody battle. It speaks to the character of those involved.

And I *do* know what I'm talking about.

quote:

Originally posted by fpuhan:
I give this about six months. Then ToddGator will come to the forum, tail between his legs, saying, "You guys were right."

How many times have we seen this?

It IS hard to see at the time, you want to believe the best in people, the sex is OFF THE CHART, but those hairs on the back of your neck keep getting tingly... and not in a good way...

OP, pop smoke and run away.

Get. OUT. Now.

Been there, not worth it. They’re all sweet little angels at the start of the relationship. You’ve received excellent advice already. Listen to those who went before you. I’ve been there and it wasn’t worth it. Before I started carrying I was at the girlfriend’s house (the one they had when together) and he busted in one night. I was able to make it to the kitchen and grab a large knife before he got brave enough to try me. I don’t know how long we stood there before he left but it seemed like an eternity and I was on edge til the day I bailed out. The final straw was her growing jealousy of every moment I wasn’t in her sight.

End it now!

I'm not an attorney, and I don't live in Louisiana.

Having said that, I live in a mixed marriage, kids not from both parents. I fought a decade long custody battle, but over seven hundred thousand miles on vehicles in pursuit of visits and custody and fought it across multiple state lines and from outside the country. My kids were placed in an extremely abusive situation; I've full custody now. I ended up paying child support, illegally, in several states, and ended up homeless as a result, because I couldn't live and pay, so I paid and went without. I never missed a payment, even when forced to double and triple pay.

Point is, never say "that would never happen," or "the judge would never do that." You'd be absolutely shocked at what the courts will do, and what parents will do in divorces and custody cases. There is no depth, quite literally, to which some parties will go, including blackmail, murder, and beyond (there is a beyond). Don't ever under estimate the limits, because the truth is that often there aren't any.

Likewise, don't think for a minute that settlements, judgements, even arbitration, will be fair, and don't ever count on child protective services to protect children, or judges or guardian ad litums to do it, either.

As a non-custodial parent, and as a non-parent in the relationship, you'll always be second fiddle to the kids and everything else, no matter what she says.

At this stage in my life, there's not a lot that would or should shock me, but I still find myself taken back at times at the depths to which people can and do sink. Nothing inflames passions and anger like custody issues, and kids become proxy countries for the warring parents.

Listen to the attorneys. To you and me and the rest of the world, divorces are emotional. To the attorneys and the courts, they're economic divisions of assets, payments between parties, and numerical assignments of kids, things, etc.

They're ugly. No matter how rosy the glasses, they're ugly.

When I was entering my separation and divorce, a man at work quietly said he'd be happy to talk, if I wanted. He'd been through one. I asked how he was feeling about it. He said it was uncontested, straight forward, and a year prior. "Now," he said, "I'm just getting to where I can crawl out from under my bed."

It didn't make sense at the time, but it came to make a lot of sense later.

Final decree means every i is dotted, every t is crossed and every sentence has a period at the end. Everything is worked out in advance, all custody issues and who pays how much for support.

Story you are receiving does not hang straight.

After a final decree, either party can later request a hearing to amend the decree based on various reasons. The hearing may or may not be granted.


Caution on your part is most excellent advice from this forum.

DANGER! DANGER!

Unless you have personally seen the guy being the douchebag, don’t believe her claims. Women love to paint the ex as the violent offender for sympathy.

RUN NOW!

The guy is probably a cool dude. I was painted as the unhinged violent guy. Same thing happened to my best friend. It was all false.

I never believe a woman who claims her ex is a monster.

Tony.

Add me to the list of those questioning how someone can be divorced without the other details all worked out.

When I divorced, my attorney told me hell would freeze over before any family court would award custody to the father.
I did not even try.
Sounds like T-Gator may not be getting the straight story.

All right, I'll be that guy:

Ride the rollercoaster, enjoy the sex, avoid the drama...and climb off the ride when it isn't any fun anymore!!

quote:

Originally posted by bcereuss:
All right, I'll be that guy:

Ride the rollercoaster, enjoy the sex, avoid the drama...and climb off the ride when it isn't any fun anymore!!

Agreed, the op is the bridge between her hard times and getting her life stable again.
I've been there so many times '. I guess I'm a "helper" ... In my experience ... they always go on to another place after the fires are all contained.
Watch your willingness to throw money in...just count it as gone. We buy the attention we get one way or the other.

quote:

Originally posted by arfmel:
You probably don’t want to hear this but here it is anyway. Getting involved with a woman in the middle of her divorce is not a very good strategy. Especially if she has kids.

Voice of experience.

Another voice of experience, here. The sex was GREAT, the constant drama, not so.

When she couldn't gain leverage against her ex, I became her whipping boy, I then exited.

quote:

Originally posted by YooperSigs:
When I divorced, my attorney told me hell would freeze over before any family court would award custody to the father.
I did not even try.
Sounds like T-Gator may not be getting the straight story.

(not sure when your divorce occurred, so it may have been a factor, as long ago that was the case)

1987.
I was a GI, in Florida, a very conservative and "old fashioned" area of the state. Petitioned, and prevailed permanent custody, after taking my daughter (11 mo old) and filing, living in a studio apartment, (other facts that one might believe to be against my case), had an emergency hearing by the "other party", I was granted "status quo" and able to keep my daughter under temporary custody, and a year later, (and many details) I was awarded sole and permanent custody of my daughter.

So, yes, a father has as good a chance as a mother in most cases.

It's a crap shoot. And there is no "one size fits all". Different states, different judges, tactics, facts and so much more.

And the belief that there is, often leads to the shit sandwich that divorces become.

As stated earlier, the law is only interested in "division of property" and the "cutting in half of a single entity into two viable entities".

Children are looked at as a separate issue.

That being, "what is in the best interest(s) of the child(ren)?"

And it's like sausage, you have no idea what they do in the sausage factory to get to the end.

Which is why details of such individual "experiences" are the worst "hope" for someone dealing with their own, and speaks back to the topic of the OP.

1. Have her talk to her lawyer.
2. Advise her to do EXACTLY what the lawyer says.
3. You: remain supportive, but stay out of the advice business and don't get involved in what the lawyer advises. Stay out of the relationship with the EX unless, of course there is physical violence or something).

The more you can both exercise dispassionate self control the better it will turn out.

Some states grant divorces without resolving all issues but most do not.

But this situation is fraught with potential disaster.