You have to do what you have to do. Blood, or kin, doesn’t = good or nice.

My father was a fucking cocksocker. He cared about himself. He was never around. I probably spent 3 months with him my entire life, if that. His 3rd marriage was to some ugly Russian woman. He moved her here to the states, then her son later. I put myself through college and really didn’t care to even to go graduation. But I thought I’d be Christian and give him a shot. He literally was never there for anything my entire life so this was a lifeline. He mucked it. I told him when he had 4 months notice, gave him the date, and told him well you weren’t there for shit so this is your last chance. He complained about how much he had spent to move his bitch over here and her son. Said he was unwilling to go. I got off the phone, sat there and thought about it, and said that’s that. Never talked to him again. He died, alone, in some sort of medical half way house, about 6 or so years ago. He had nothing. His sister, whom I greatly respected, didn’t even want to deal with his ass. She signed over his power of attorney to that half way house and pretty much washed her hands of it as well before he passed. That’s how you know you are a piece of shit. Not your sister, not your son, no friends, no nothing, were there at the end.

Move on with your life sir. If he doesn’t respect you then you have no obligation to respect him. Take care of your family. For many of us, it’s like this.

Sad. Sorry for you.

Extra prayers up for you, your dad, and your family, Mr. Otto.

So sorry to hear that things have gone this way but DNA does not make a family...You have to to do what is best for you and your family.. Prayers for all persons involved. .................. drill sgt.

Really sorry to hear this, how it worked out. I think it's safe to say you damn well tried. It's hard to deal with some folks when you're NOT related to them. When they're a parent, I just can't imagine how hard that is. You won't stop thinking about it, but I agree with the others here. Be shut of him, and try to get away without some kind of big scene.

Ultimately, we are all alone with our mortality. He clearly wants to be alone well before his time.

Keep the faith, we're thinking about you brother.

In my experience, personality often changes dramatically as people age. They can’t see it, but others around them do and this makes it hard to understand and accept, and nearly impossible to repair damaged relationships.

Please give yourself a break. This is often the biology of aging at work. They are not who we remember, and they do not remember who they were. You have expressed your love through your actions. In my opinion, Otto, that is a greater more selfless love than feeling love and not acting on it.

Most of us want to be better. Some of us are actually better than we believe.

I don’t have any advice to give you, certainly not from experience. My father walked out on my mother and I when I was only a year old. Haven’t seen him since, some 44 years later, even though they were married for 5 years before I was born. He was just gone. As far as I know he’s still alive, but he’s every bit as much a stranger to me as someone I would just pass by on the street. It sounds like you and your father are similarly quite distant, and you have my condolences for that.

One of the biggest things that kept me from having a child of my own for as long as I waited was fear of what kind of father I’d be. Like yourself, my grandfather was a father to me, but his time was too short and he missed me walking across the stage to accept my first degree, the first bachelors degree by any of his grandchildren, by a month to the day. I guess what I’m saying, what I’ve learned is that if there’s one thing I learned from my father, even in his absence, is how not to be with my daughter. It seems like you and your father have reached a chasm that can’t be crossed, one in a life long series of chasms between the two of you. Take solace in the fact that you tried to bridge that chasm, you made Herculean efforts to bridge that chasm based upon my understanding of your situation. So don’t beat yourself up, and just take this as further guidance on how you can be, or more accurately how you should not be, with your own wife and children. Honor your father as best you can by being the kind of father you wished your own father was. That’s been working for me and I’ve found greater joy in being a dad than I could have ever possibly hoped. I do hope you’re able to find peace.

Look I don’t know shit about shit and just because somebody is blood doesn’t make them worth your time.

That said. Wounded dogs growl and while I am truly not trying to be pop culture cliche, fear does often lead to anger. (It does with me). So as much of a shitshow that it might be you might want to take into consideration that the man is wounded, scared and angry…….and we will all be there on some level at some point.

He chose his path; nobody is to blame for his demeanor but him and nobody could blame you or the family for giving him what he has asked for.

I’m sorry this hasn’t worked out the way you hoped for going in. Following your various posts, it’s clear that you have put more effort into your relationship with him than he deserves.

I'm very sorry, Otto. You're a good man. Don't beat yourself up, and don't live with regret. You did the right thing trying to reach out and help. And at least you did get to have a few good times with him at the beginning of your stay. If he's choosing to act this way now, that's on him not on you. It's very sad, but not something that should weigh on your conscience.

I'm sure it's going to be hard after going through this, but keep pouring your energy into the lives of your family who want to let you do some good.

^^^ What this man says.

You did your best and can live guilt free knowing you tried. Its on him after that.

quote:

Originally posted by cslinger:
So as much of a shitshow that it might be you might want to take into consideration that the man is wounded, scared and angry…

This is worth considering as a causative factor for his behavior. Some are able to embrace their demise and pass with peace and acceptance. Others struggle through the stages of grief, and some never make it to acceptance - taking it out on those around them. None of us knows how we're going to be when that time comes. It's easy to judge when you're 20-30-40 years out, but when it's right around the corner, well... I expect it's a different ballgame.

If you give a damn at this point (and no one would blame you if you don't), you might try to find someone who could counsel him through the process. It'd be good for him and, perhaps, you.

quote:

Originally posted by Gustofer:

quote:

Originally posted by cslinger:
So as much of a shitshow that it might be you might want to take into consideration that the man is wounded, scared and angry…

This is worth considering as a causative factor for his behavior. Some are able to embrace their demise and pass with peace and acceptance. Others struggle through the stages of grief, and some never make it to acceptance - taking it out on those around them. None of us knows how we're going to be when that time comes. It's easy to judge when you're 20-30-40 years out, but when it's right around the corner, well... I expect it's a different ballgame.

If you give a damn at this point (and no one would blame you if you don't), you might try to find someone who could counsel him through the process. It'd be good for him and, perhaps, you.

I do understand where both of yall are coming from, I really do. And as I stated, I believe the main reason for his actions are his inability to cope.

However, I’ve sacrificed enough, he cursed me 24 hours a day for weeks. I ignored it, had a few talks with him. When he curses my wife and children, the only thing that prevented him from picking his ass up off the floor was the fact the a punch might kill him at this point.

At this time, bad as it may make me look, I’ll consider myself better off to be rid of him. He had the opportunity, as bad as the situation may be with cancer, to end his life with his kids by his side. He never had that being less than decent as a father, apparently my 30 years not associating with him were for good reason. I wouldn’t go to that house again if he does tonight. I won’t be at the funeral and couldn’t care less about the 4 acres he gave me. They can sit there and rot until I sell em when the opportunity present itself.

Not saying it's the cause, but look up Chemo Brain. It can cause behaviors like you described. I would also talk to his oncologist.

There could be a lot of reasons behind his behavior. From the sound of it he has never been particularly nice or present for you. Maybe he’s just being a jerk because he can’t face his reality and can’t handle the results of his own choices. Maybe he has chemo brain, maybe he has brain cancer, maybe he is in terrible pain, maybe anything. Whatever he has going may explain his behavior, but it sure doesn’t excuse it.

Making the career sacrifice that you did to come and care for him, even uprooting your family was a supremely unselfish act. Having made that leap, you will never have any reason to look back and regret not being there for your dad. You did your part.

For whatever reason, he is doing everything he can to drive you away. This is clearly what he wants, so there is no reason for you or your family to suffer his abuse any longer. Drive on with your life with clear conscience.

Take a look at how your father was raised. There is the answer right there.

I spent my whole life being treated like shit by my father. Everyone made excuses for him but the reality was he was a world class jerk. He's never had any real friends and every time he moved it was only a matter of time before all of the neighbors hated him. I kept trying because that's what we're supposed to do. I finally reached my breaking point and ended all contact. He died two years ago and my only regret was not telling him to fuck off sooner. I've never told this to anyone because it sounds like an awful thing to say, unless you've been dealt a similar hand it's hard to understand.

I had a somewhat similar situation with my Mom . The last few years of her life were miserable for my sister and I. I finally stopped going over there . When she took her last breath from Covid related Pneumonia , I felt nothing . Well , maybe a little bit of relief that it was over . I guess I was supposed to feel guilt or something but it didn't happen .