It's Time For A Jewish Joke Thread

April 10, 2019, 06:20 AM

V-Tail

Pesach (Passover) is almost here, so it's time for a Jewish joke thread. Please contribute yours.

I remembered this joke because I have just had an email exchange with one of our SIGforum members whose town has a new synagogue, but they don't have a Rabbi yet.

There was a small town in the south that had an even smaller Jewish population. Not enough Jews to have a regular synagogue and a Rabbi.

The daughter of one family was going to get married, so the family contacted the Rabbinical Council in New York and requested a traveling Rabbi for the date of the wedding.

A Hasidic Rabbi in Brooklyn (where else?) agreed to make the trip and officiate at the wedding. Now, this was a Big Deal (nothing to do with forum member bigdeal), because this town was so small that the train never made a regular stop at the station, it just whizzed through except for the rare occasions that a passenger was arriving or departing. On the arrival day, the businesses in the town -- barber shop, general store, diner, and gas station -- all shut down and everybody gathered at the train station to see and greet the arriving Rabbi.

The train stopped, and the Rabbi got off. A Hasidic Rabbi, no different from any of the hundreds in Brooklyn, but a rare sight in a small southern town.

The Rabbi looked around, realized that everybody was staring at him, and said, "What? You never saw a Yankee before?"

April 10, 2019, 06:57 AM

thunderson

A Reform Rabbi was so compulsive a golfer that once, on Yom Kippur, he left the house early and went out for a quick nine holes by himself. An angel who happened to be looking on immediately notified his superiors that a grievous sin was being committed on earth. On the sixth hole, G-d caused a mighty wind to take the ball directly from the tee to the cup for a miraculous and dramatic hole in one.
The angel was horrified. "Lord," he said, "you call this a punishment?!"

"Sure," answered G-d with a smile. "Who can he tell?"

April 10, 2019, 07:01 AM

2000Z-71

What do you get when you cross a jew with a polack?

A janitor who owns the building.

April 10, 2019, 08:09 AM

Floyd D. Barber

Did you hear about the new Jewish Cadillac? It not only stops on a dime, it picks it up.

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Always remember that others may hate you but those who hate you don't win unless you hate them. And then you destroy yourself.
Richard M Nixon

It's nice to be important, it's more important to be nice.
Billy Joe Shaver

NRA Life Member

April 10, 2019, 08:30 AM

kz1000

What does a Jewish woman do with her asshole every morning?

Sends him off to work.

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"Yidn, shreibt un fershreibt"

"The Nazis entered this war under the rather childish delusion that they were going to bomb everyone else, and nobody was going to bomb them. At Rotterdam, London, Warsaw and half a hundred other places, they put their rather naive theory into operation. They sowed the wind, and now they are going to reap the whirlwind."
-Bomber Harris

April 10, 2019, 08:38 AM

2000Z-71

How was copper wire invented?

Two jews fighting over a penny.

How was the Grand Canyon created?

A jew dropped a penny in a crack in the sidewalk and went looking for it.

April 10, 2019, 08:42 AM

greco

Then there was the Jewish pedophile who got arrested for try to sell candy to children in the park.

April 10, 2019, 08:43 AM

h2oys

A Priest and a Rabbi were eating together when the priest started to tease the Rabbi.

”Wow, this ham is really good” he said licking his lips.”I know it’s against your religion, but when are you going to break down and finally have some.”

After a moments thought the Rabbi responded with a smile “at your wedding!”

April 10, 2019, 08:47 AM

ersatzknarf

Got this from my folks, years ago:

A Priest and a Rabbi lived across the street from each other.

One day, the Priest got a new Lincoln and was outside blessing it and sprinkling it with holy water.

The Rabbi saw this and as he had just gotten a new Cadillac, he went outside and snipped off the end of the tail pipe...

April 10, 2019, 08:58 AM

OKCGene

quote:
Originally posted by V-Tail:
Pesach (Passover) is almost here, so it's time for a Jewish joke thread. Please contribute yours.

I remembered this joke because I have just had an email exchange with one of our SIGforum members whose town has a new synagogue, but they don't have a Rabbi yet.
There was a small town in the south that had an even smaller Jewish population. Not enough Jews to have a regular synagogue and a Rabbi.

The daughter of one family was going to get married, so the family contacted the Rabbinical Council in New York and requested a traveling Rabbi for the date of the wedding.

A Hasidic Rabbi in Brooklyn (where else?) agreed to make the trip and officiate at the wedding. Now, this was a Big Deal (nothing to do with forum member bigdeal), because this town was so small that the train never made a regular stop at the station, it just whizzed through except for the rare occasions that a passenger was arriving or departing. On the arrival day, the businesses in the town -- barber shop, general store, diner, and gas station -- all shut down and everybody gathered at the train station to see and greet the arriving Rabbi.

The train stopped, and the Rabbi got off. A Hasidic Rabbi, no different from any of the hundreds in Brooklyn, but a rare sight in a small southern town.

The Rabbi looked around, realized that everybody was staring at him, and said, "What? You never saw a Yankee before?"

I heard the same joke with a different punchline. The rabbi, wanting to speak to them in the local dialect, said “Shalom Y’all”.

.

April 10, 2019, 09:23 AM

Floyd D. Barber

A priest and a rabbi were sitting in adjacent seats on an airplane.

After a while the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, “Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?”

The rabbi responded, “Yes, that is still one of our laws.”

The priest then asked, “Have you ever eaten pork?”

“Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and ate a bacon sandwich.”

The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.

A while later the rabbi spoke up and asked, “Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?”

The priest replied, “Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith.”

The rabbi then asked him, “Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?”

The priest replied, “Yes, Rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke the pledge of my faith.”

The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent for several minutes.

Finally the rabbi quietly observed, “Beats the shit out of a bacon sandwich doesn’t it?”

April 10, 2019, 09:24 AM

RichardC

The rabbi, the priest and the minister were fishing for bass.
The minister snags his Rapala on a low hanging branch, gets out of the boat, walks across the water to retrieve it and walks back across the water to the boat.
Ten minutes later, the priest snags his Jitterbug on the same branch, walks across the water to retrieve it and walks back to the boat.
Ten minute later, the rabbi snags his Zara Spook on the opposite side of the creek.
He thinks, “ If these Christians can walk on water so can I."
He gets out of the boat and immediately goes under.
As the priest and the minister are hauling him back into the boat by his shirt collar, one laughs and says to the other, "John, do you think we should tell Saul where the rocks are before he drowns himself?

April 10, 2019, 09:26 AM

Floyd D. Barber

A man goes to a confession.

Man: "Father, I have lived in sin."

Priest: "We are all weak at times. Tell me what is on your heart."

Man: "Last night I had sex with the seven most beautiful women on earth, one after the other, through the night. They kept asking for more and I couldn't resist."

Priest: "Alright. How much time has passed since your last confession?"

Man: "I've never been to a confession before, I'm not even catholic. I'm Jewish."

Priest: "Then why are you telling me all this?"

Man: "Hell, I'm telling everyone..."

April 10, 2019, 09:28 AM

Gustofer

How did the Grand Canyon get formed?

A Jew dropped a nickel down a gopher hole.

April 10, 2019, 09:33 AM

kz1000